It sounds to me like you are totally justified in feeling the way you feel.

Those feelings are perfectly normal to have. Please don't verbalize them to your daughter - it will not turn out well. She may, one day, realize what her daddy did to your family. Let her come to that realization on her own. When she's with your ex at your old house try and do something just for yourself. Make that time about you. Also, remember, that he is her father and she may feel as though she has to feel that way.

I understand the feelings that you have but, he is still her dad. In many cases, there is a special tie between a dad and his daughter.
Where do you think the term "daddy's little Girl" came from?

I know first hand of a dad who had an affair, yet his 2 daughters still want to spend time with their dad. He was there for them when they were small and that relationship is not broken by a sheet of paper that states "A Decree of Divorcement".

As others have said, when she gets older and more mature, she may see things in a different light and she can make whatever choices she wants to at that time.

It is difficult to go through a divorce. The parties involved don't always see things in the right way but, if there are children involved in a divorce, there will always be a tie with the ex and when grandchildren come along, there is still that tie.

These things are never easy to deal with but, they are what they are and we have to learn to adjust and live with them.

It does sound like jealousy, and I guess that's where you need to start. Yes he has the house, the girlfriend, he's still living your life.

You have to come to terms with this, and you cannot take it out on your daughter. It is not her fault that her mom and dad arn't together, it isn't her fault that she gets to visit her dad at your old house.

I guess that's where you really need to start is that yes the house used to be yours, your family, but its not now. Plain and simple its his, its for his family now.

I am not by any means saying this is easy, I have the opposite problem. I live in our families house, so I do get to stay with the kids in what is now our home.. But I was just as angry that the kids were going to a new home with their dad, it didn't matter that it wasn't our family home it was just that it was a home that didn't involve me.

Try to be happy for your daughter that she has two parents who love her. Try to look at it from her point of view, she is getting to spend time with two parents.

You need to get help for you, your daughter needs you to be strong, and you will only alienate her if you keep getting mad at her over things she has no control over.

Continue getting your feelings out, it really does help

Unfortunately, as mom's it's our job to keep things to ourselves at times like this. So that being said, you have to let it out somewhere. I feel better if I do something physical sometimes (walking, yoga, scrubbing the floor the old fashion way, or sometimes singing in the car at the top of my lungs just helps me let it all out). Sometimes watching something really funny with the kids, laugh out loud til you're crying funny, helps break that tension with them too. And maybe, eventually sitting down (if this would be appropriate) and explaining to your daughter that you love her, but sometimes you have a bad day and feel very hurt and hope she understands that this is difficult for you.

Sadly we just have to suck it up, and allow our kids to love their other parent even though we find it hard to forgive them for what they did to us.

I am astounded at how quickly even my grown up sons have forgotten how verbally abusive their father was to them when they were teenagers and he was still living at home.

I have to just learn to accept the fact that he is their father and the way they feel about him is not necessarily the way I feel about him.
I know it is tough, but sadly we cannot take it out on our kids.

My children elected not to have a relationship with their father. Well, their father didn't do anything at all to initiate one following the divorce. He went off into the sunset with his new girlfriend. Now my kids have let so much time go by that it is impossible for them to reconnect with their father. My son got married without his father in attendance. My daughter WON'T get married because she has no father to walk her down the aisle, no father to dance with, etc. It may not seem so great now, but it is a wonderful thing for your daughter to still have her daddy in her life.

I agree with new2free, justified, understandable, not uncommon as it is, we have to suck it up.

Like the others have said, you have to let your daughter be with and think of her father as she wishes. Perhaps some day she will see or understand on her own what happened with her parents. It is a rough place to be for you, but your first concern should be with her not your anger at her father.

To this day my children still blame me for leaving their father! What they didn't know and still don't know is that I was the one that asked for the divorce because he cheated on me. I have never once revealed that to them.....as much I wanted to. That was 12 years ago and I still haven't said a thing about it. They have eventually grown to see that he is an asshole.

I understand why you feel the way you do.We all need validation that what we went through was wrong. As a child I could never accept or understand why my mom acted the way she did. She worked really hard to try and destroy my relationship with my dad. All I knew was that my dad was the one who made me feel special. She seemed like the angry one all the time. As an adult I now understand why she felt the way she did however she never got over that hurt and is still an angry bitter woman who is not able to enjoy most of life.

Consider going to a divorcecare group.

I think the hardest thing I dealt with...including his affair...was the knowledge that, regardless of my feelings towards him, or anything unresolved in my marriage, I had to be "cohesive" enough with him simply because we have a son. Having a child wasn't, and would never have been, a reason for me to stay married because I think choosing not to stay in utter crap sets a good example, however, I already chose him as my son's father, and that's a relationship that won't end unless something real crazy happens with my X.

Anyhow, my point is that, while it SUCKS HARD your X has a GF, her kids, etc...he is still your daughter's father. That's it. Children are incredibly forgiving of parents (look how many kids have terrible childhoods and still love their parents?) but it wouldn't be appropriate, not that you suggested it, for your daughter to hate her dad because he had an affair. A father is not just any guy...it's a father. I know, for me, it would take someone moving HELL before I could imagine dropping my Dad for any reason.

I'm glad you're in therapy...you have issues within yourself to resolve about your feelings toward everything...I think your daughter is a symptom of your bigger problem. Somehow, you need to make peace with this being your new existence. He has moved on, and it's time you did as well.

Sending you support -

When something happens that changes are worlds so dramatically its very easy to get wrapped up in how we are feeling and how he did this to us. All the anger and hurt of how could he, and why doesn't everyone see him for that person.
But please keep in mind that not only did your world change but your daughters was turned upside down as well. She only sees (as any kid will) what's going on around her. That she was ripped out of the home she knew and there are scary changes. If you are having anger issues that you didn't have before she will feel that and think its directed at her, even if you are upset at her daddy. But she still feels protective of her daddy also, keep that in mind. Just like she will always love you, she will always love him.
Its switching places with her. You have awhirlwind of emotion to deal just like she does. Maybe when she goes back to the house, in her old bedroom she is able to pretend nothing has changed for a short time. It could be her exscape, her fantasy place.
I would never point fingures because all of us lose the person we want to be at times, at when that anger is directed at our child it never leaves either us or our childern happy. But if you are becoming showing more anger at her she could be trying to get away from that as well. So during the times she talks about her daddy or asks to visit him (I sooo understand how just mentioning him flares a mood!) Try to hold strong and calm your emotions and speak to her about him as you know she sees him, not as you do.
I wish you the best and hope that you can find your happiness once again

You have to just stop it. Nothing else is fair to your daughter, or healthy for you. Just stop it, however it happens or whatver it takes to do it, just stop it. I get that you are human, and you feel what you feel, but you HAVE to STOP IT. Oh, and get out of the victim mentality - quit comparing your suffering to his, his loss to yours - your daughter should not have to pay any price for any of that. She may, but it really is not fair to her. Wishing you nothing but strength as you go forward.

First it's great that you see it's an issue and are working to change it. Believe me I know that it's so much easier said than done, but it's a huge step.

Myself I got frustrations out by chopping down a tree with a hatchet. (Yeah, I could have used a saw, but this was cathartic, I got blisters on my hands, and somehow it just helped.

Then, just me, but I was Never going to lie to my kids even my omission. I wasn't happy with their dad. I used it as a teaching moment for my kids....for what are OK and what aren't OK ways to behave when you're angry.
So I did a lot of talking out loud "i'm angry and I need to calm down, so I'm going to go into the kitchen and make dinner, I'd like some time alone.'
or "I'm upset, so I'm going to put some music on to help me calm down."

That sort of thing.

It didn't always work, but a side benefit was after about 6 months I started hearing my kids use my same language and do the same behaviors. (shocking....I guess they do listen, I wondering if they were deaf.....lol) Oh and my kids are 9 and 11 now.

And hey, if you do snap at here, apologize, make things right, and move on. We're all human. I don't know a single parent that doesn't loose it with their kids at least sometimes.