People do change someway over long term as surrounding environment or situation is never fixed and there are always new experiences around but I do not believe in sudden change in character unless there was some big trauma in one’s life or the change were gradual just you didn’t notice them maybe due to lack of communication between you two ? (not opening up to thoughts and feeling to each other)
I think starting the relationship with many similarities is great but changing together in sync over a long term is challenging. Communication line needs to be always open so things are always up to date with what is going on in eachother’s life and are in same page and looking at the same goal. (also to check both needs and wants are not being ignored etc…)
When you noticed a change in his attitude/behaviour, its better to confronted it right then and encourage open communication to discuss the issue rather than leaving it alone as that tends to make things more difficult to resolve over time even if the issue itself has not changed. But of course, the person with the issue will have to be willing to talk about it openly as things cannot resolve itself without even knowing what the problem is in the first place.
You should not be afraid of being alone as we are all alone in some sense. What each and every one of us feel is our own and does not transfer to someone else. So one can really understand exactly what other people are going through in internal sense.
I see relationship as trying to become one mind with two separate bodies and it does require lot of effort (time, energy etc..) from both party especially in long term.
You should enjoy this time and feel the free flow. You have more time for yourself and can do what you want without consideration and discussion to other people. Only thing you need to keep up to date is yourself, how you are feeling, what you need and wants are etc… you will have more spare time and energy so you should think about how you are going to use that spare resources while enjoying your solo life. You still have your senses, so go see, hear, taste and feel beautiful things and enjoy while you are still alive. (Just know moderation and balance when enjoying something as everything has pros and cons)
You should make use of the last relationship as a stepping stone to understand what you truly want in life or in relationship.
Don't let your relationship/experience turn you into someone you don't feel comfortable being. If cannot be helped, simply leave the situation and step away

I meant,,,,,
So "No" one can really understand/feel exactly what other people are going through in internal sense.

I've been lying to myself about my husband for years. I'm slowly starting to realize it's never going to get better. The only person I have to talk to about stuff is my mom, I'm sure she's tired of hearing it by now. I joined this group in the hopes of finding people to relate to. I'm sorry you are going through this, you are not alone.

Thank you OWT. I hope you find your way out of your troubled relationship too. Hugs

I am so sorry you're going through such a hard time.. it's not easy, im going through the same situation myself. I am paralize with fear.

I'm sorry you are so heartbroken. You must feel betrayed and let down by the changes in your husband. I think we all experience some level of disappointment in our spouse b/c people change over time. We, change. When I felt let down by my husband, I used to get infuriated and tried harder to change him. But I found out that it had the opposite effect. It drove him away further. And that would cause me to get even more desperate to force him to change. It was a vicious cycle. The harder I tried, the more he clammed up and distanced himself. Then, I realized that I was trying too hard. I "needed him" too much. To punish him I decided I would no longer depend on him so much. Then I realized just how extensive my dependence was. Little by little, I began to not rely on him so much, not to expect so much. I learned a lot about myself. I realized that I wanted to change him so that I could continue be "taken care of."

There are still things that bug me about him, but they don't bother me so much anymore. I have come to accept that there are things beyond his reach and change. I am more than okay now. It was really hard to get to this point b/c I thought he had to change, but it really wasn't. Ultimately, it was me and I was the one changed.

I know you're hurting and that it's really very hard when you are in the moment. You think and expect the worst. But I do hope and pray that this suffering would be for you that unwanted grain of sand in the clam that causes so much pain and discomfort now, but eventually produce the perfectly beautiful, precious pearl.

Sending you much love...

Thanks Abounding Joy. Unfortunately for me, my husband pretended to be the kind of man I told him I needed when we were friends then when we started going out and so on. He started changing after the wedding. Taking away all the things that were important to me. I don’t think I can forgive or overlook that level of deception. I was not looking for anything other than a partner in life and love. A man I could talk with, trust and respect. Consideration was mandatory for me. I give it and expect to receive it. If I don’t have these basic boundaries then I can’t feel good about him or myself

Just wondering how you are doing? Have you been to counseling yet? How is it helping you?

people change ...i m learning that exact fact right now. I still trying to cope with my loss as well. apparently my ex fiance said she changed and decided to move on with her life...all we can do is hope that with these changes..something good can come out of it.
i try to let go myself. but its hard. I guess wha t you really should ask is can you live the rest of your life with or without them.
but i feel your pain..its tough...we have to battle through it everyday... i struggle everyday....but i have been told it gets easier with time.

Sounds sad and I know it is hard to see the end. I married someone that did not put the effort in either through counselling. We are divorcing now and I am glad, like you, I tried everything, it helps at the other end. You can't change them, they have to want to. It is depressing when your spouse doesn't want to fight for the marriage that you would fight for. Good luck I think you will just know

I hope you are feeling better. I've been thinking of you & your husband. I'm not sure if you are in the state of mind to read, but I wanted to share a book I read years ago when I was really struggling in my marriage. "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. Your struggles reminded me of many women whose stories are shared in the book. I'm so sorry you are hurting, but you are not alone. We hear you and we feel your pain.

Don't be hard on yourself, you are not deceiving yourself, you are being betrayed by someone who cares too much about himself and does not have the pants to talk to you in the face and tell you it is over. It happened to me. I saw the signs, his coldness his disrespect and I always justified it.... he cheated just to prove his entitlement, just to prove he did not care, but hid it not because he was worried about my feelings but because he was worried about his reputation and what other people would say about him, the so called perfect husband. I know what you say, because even with all that, I was waiting like a fool for that perfect husband, to come back. Let me tell you, in this past 10 months I have learned that there is nothing we can do to bring them back, no therapy no nothing. I went to therapy with him for almost 5 months, I was sooooo hopeful just to realize later on that while he was saying he was hopeful too, he was seeing someone else.
So I gave up on him, not on me. I pray for him to do good because he is the father of my kids, but it took me 10 months to be strong and put myself first. Put yourself first and let him go. I hope your therapist is good and guides you well. I love mine, they are like a suit, sometimes you have to try a couple in order to feel it is the right one. Believe me, don't waste more time on him, invents in your wellbeing, he will look at you differently when he sees you are not that needy little puppy waiting for his crumbs. Checked out husbands don't come back. Grieve your loss with all the tears and anger and denial and all the shit you want but he should not be back because you want, just YOU should be enough and for him it is still too little. Send him to fry some asparagus, you don't need him. You are stronger that you think. I know what I'm made off now but it took me a while to be here.

Thanks for all your words of comfort. I saw a new counselor almost 2 weeks ago, but I don’t think she’ll work out. I didn’t feel comfortable with her. Really missing the last counselor I had, Susan, who counseled me through some stressful time a couple years ago. She had even seen my husband and me together for several appts before he decided she was judging him and he didn’t want to go anymore. Of course he was feeling guilty once all the crap he was doing came out in front of her. Susan now counsels students at a local college so I can’t get an appt with her anymore.
I do check out and buy self help audiobooks on personalities and relationships, AboundingJoy, so I’ll look your suggested book up. I recently bought an audiobook called "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love" by Elaine N. Aron. I've long believed that I have the traits of the HSP, and this book has opened my eyes to all that means. I told Joy that I was also hoping to understand the differences in our communication styles because of our personalities. She told me that I've been trying to communicate with my husband for over 6 years now, and it's time to stop putting the burden of all that solely on my shoulders. She said he doesn't want to see himself as he is, and that what he's doing is hurting me. Nothing I say to him will make a difference in that. So I have to focus on getting to know myself and seriously consider separating from him as soon as I can manage.
Right now, I'm spending most of my time when I'm home downstairs in my artist room. I just can't seem to make myself stay in the same room with him for long. I've been ill the last few weeks with a cold/virus, so I've been tired when I come home at night. Fortunately he works 1st shift and my job is 2nd shift so there’s not a lot of time together during the week. When I got home early tonight, he had football on the tv, as always, so after 15 mins. I went downstairs and spent most of my evening there. I think he's seeing the big wall that's coming up between us and it’s both scaring and angering him. He's taken to interrupting me and talking over me a lot more lately. I went to bed early and was dozing with the tv on. He came in and started talking down to me and interrupting me before I could get 2 words out. I finally exploded when he wouldn't let me talk, and I yelled at him to shut up and let me complete a damn sentence. Now he's in bed and I'm sitting in the dark in my living room. I'm simply too upset to be in the same room with him right now. I really need to fast track this plan to leave him, but I don’t know what he’ll do when I finally tell him I’m going to file for a divorce.

"She told me that I've been trying to communicate with my husband for over 6 years now, and it's time to stop putting the burden of all that solely on my shoulders. She said he doesn't want to see himself as he is, and that what he's doing is hurting me. Nothing I say to him will make a difference in that. So I have to focus on getting to know myself and seriously consider separating from him as soon as I can manage."

Wow, I was in that exact same place with one exception - I was trying to communicate for over 30 years. I finally did learn to just - stop. It's so freeing to stop trying to get him to care, to understand. To acknowledge the reality and take action. He didn't care enough, ever, and I was just a sorry little girl trying to get him to love me.

That part of my life is OVER, yay, my only regret is how long it took me to come to terms with the situation.

You will be fine. Stay strong and believe in yourself.

I hope you can overcome your fear of being alone. I have been on my own for almost 4 years now, but I was terrified to file for divorce, because we have 2 kids. I have become so independent, and I like being able to plan my future without my selfish ex-spouse always trying to ruin my plans, trying to spend down our savings on flashy things to impress strangers, trying to force me to do favors for other people while he sat around at home, and I could go on and on. Being alone is awesome at times. When someone treats you badly, you don't miss them all that much when they're gone.