Tough spot!

As parents, we always want to intervene and/or resolve our children's conflicts; however, it is a double sided sword. The parents are crossing over boundaries and vise versa.

IMO, the main thing that you and your wife should offer, is advice and resources for them to seek as she is an adult with a husband.

Show her the way to seek a marriage counselor. The mother's health is at stake and so is your marriage. I am not advocating for you to turn your back but, when our children become adults and make adult decisions, they have to learn to find solutions with you guys as the safety net and not the nucleus of a resolution.

My daughter is 23 and I'm so glad that she is far away from wanting to marry her boyfriend as she has focused on graduating from college. But, if she did go that route, she would have to find solutions because if I was to step in, I would be stunning her growth as a woman, as an adult. I won't be around forever and I will not dare cripple her at this point.

You can read through these links that we provide the newbies and perhaps, you can populate some advice you can offer. Just offer advice...don't meddle.


http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/2816539-manual



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358621-stages



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358615-loveless



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358611-7steps



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358596-no-contact



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358587-forgiveness



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358584-loving-yourself



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358575-loneliness



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358567-pastas-posted



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358554-drama



http://dailystrength.org/help/crisis-resources



http://www.hud.gov/homeless/index.cfm



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/6969338-your-message



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/7880220-break-up-survival-guide/lastpage



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/8291684-survivors-bill-rights/lastpage



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/8686330-101-little-instructions-surviving/lastpage

Here is another contribution from a beloved member that will be leaving us...Zen11...we will miss her and we thank her for so much and of course, for her parting words that she allowed me to share with you:

I have watched many come and go...and come and go again. I have read too many "good-bye cruel DS world" threads, not that there's anything wrong with that. Its just not my thing. As much as I would like to acknowledge some wonderful people publicly, I'll just keep this here and hope that some find this with sweet serendipity.

I'm certainly one who likes to give her opinion and advice, so it really was difficult to end my thread addiction. So here is my final advice (yeah, gotta have the last freakin word):

On online support group etiquette:

1. don't be an ass. I could write a dissertation on this topic alone. I will spare you.

2. yes, there is a difference between a 20 y.o.'s 2 month relationship blowing up and a 40 y.o.'s 15 year marriage tanking, but pain is pain. Have some compassion for pete's sake. Refer to #1 before responding.

3. number nabbing is a serious sport. it is not for the weak or those with dial up connections.

4. online groups aren't all that different from "real people" groups. you wouldn't walk into a party and start talking shit about people you don't know so don't do it online either. read the threads. read the responses. learn about the people in the group. refer to #1 before responding.

5. creating multiple profiles, trolling, stalking, etc. is creepy and just plain wrong. shame on you. refer to #1.

6. nothing good can come of starting a thread after midnight on a lonely Friday night while drinking. trust me on this one. okay, maybe some good. those who are sober are usually thoroughly entertained.

7. starting new threads every half hour that pretty much detail your every thought is grounds for banning. okay, it isn't, but it should be. Journal that shit.

All right. Getting off my high horse now. I should be allowed up on the soap box once and awhile considering my veteran status. :)



On break ups:

The best advice I ever received is the same advice that made my blood boil when I first got it. Take care of yourself. I didn't understand what that meant on many levels and no one ever expanded on it. In a nutshell (cuz an entire book could and should be written on the subject) bring the focus back to YOU. There is a time to vent about what an asshole your ex is, but that time really needs to be short. Get it out. Journal, bitch, scream and let it go. Then bring the focus back to YOU. Basics. Food, exercise, hygiene, etc. Every time you catch yourself complaining about what the ex is doing or who they are doing it to, stop. What are YOU doing? You won't change what she/he did. You won't change her/his behaviors. You can only change yourself. Live the life YOU want. Right now.

For God's sake get some therapy and don't take all your advice from some whackos on an online support group site. :)

Unfortunately we can't always save our children from their mistakes. She's an adult, and maybe whoever is telling your wife all the problems shouldn't be telling her. They will seek help when they are both ready to receive it. I know this is hard but sometimes we have to let our children save themselves.

Sigh...this is difficult. But like you said, the daughters are adults and you have no control over them. It speaks volumes that you are trying to find a way to solve this for her. Remind her daughters in a gentle way how stressful and physiclly painful all this drama is for Mama. Although it is tempting to take charge and fix things for a spouse I advise you to ask her if she wants you to step in before doing so. I know most of the time when I shared problems like this with my EX he took it upon himself that he needed to fix it or that he was a failure in some way if he couldn't. I wish you luck.

My step-daughter has admitted that she is seeing this other guy. She has changed her status on her MySpace page to single even though she is still married. She is wanting to file the divorce papers NOW and has requested help from my wife in getting the papers from the court. She is acting very rashly and not thinking straight ... which has been a long standing trait with her according to her mother.

At this point, my wife wants to send her to the midwest to live with her brother, LOL. I say we let her make these decisions and suffer the consequences. She's an adult and making adult decisions. She can suffer the adult consequences. My wife doesn't like that idea because she recognizes (as do I) that there are a lot of scumbags out there that will take what they want and then dump them like garbage and she doesn't want that to happen to her daughter. All the while she is getting stressed, in pain, getting sick and depressed, and there does not appear to be a light at the end of this tunnel .....

She is an adult. Be a safety net but, don't try to control her life. I get it...I am a mother but, I can only advice her and let her know that I will be there in a flash.

Once upon a time, she and I were a bit estranged. I sent her a letter with all the advice that a mother would give their daughter throughout certain phases of their lives because I didn't know if she would come back home again.

She is about to graduate with honors with a double major and she told me the other day that she reads that letter to this day and she appreciates me. She said that she understands why I let her make her mistakes and that she appreciates life so much better. This is when my daughter became my hero.

Don't try to control.
Be a safety net.
Give advice.
Live your own life.

Why did she (the daughter) get married to get away from home? That's kinda saying she got married to get away from you two isn't it?

Does your 17 year old live with you?

These bastardized Brady bunches don't seem to ever work out well.

TD has a huge point! I left my home at 17 to get away from my controlling and abusive parents....I ran away from home twice before then....

I did well in life on my own as necessity is the mother of invention. I didn't have children until I was 26.

My daughter left home to go to the college where he boyfriend was going. They are both graduating....

I'd worry about supporting your wife. She's shouldering a burden that is beyond both of you at this point.

If her daughter is a grown up now, making grown up decisions.....let her make grown up mistakes. I'd work with your wife on the value of letting this play out. No matter what advice you or your wife give, it won't be valued anyway, so why bother?

If you're going to do anything, I recommend simply laying out to the daughter what the consequences of her actions will be.

Her daughter will likely make mistakes, but those are her mistakes. Not yours or your wife's mistakes.

I didn't read your second response.

If I were you and your wife, I would give her no assistance in obtaining this divorce.

Again: If the daughter wants to make "big girl" decisions, let her do the leg work.

Just my opinion, but anything other than letting this play out and the daughter will only learn that she can fuck up, almost at will, as an adult with no real consequences.

@TD66 and ZXJ: She wasn't getting away from us. When my wife divorced from the kids father, she was going through a very difficult time. Her (now ex) husband had cheated on her, her self-esteem was in the toilet, she was very depressed, and her health was not good. She did not think she would be able to take care of her kids while dealing with all of this stuff so she reluctantly gave up physical custody of the children to her ex because she honestly believed it was in the childrens best interest. She just was not in a place where she could raise three young girls on her own. Her parents and siblings were not all that supportive of the marriage and that lack of support continued as she went through her divorce. She felt alone and abandoned and barely able to cope.

The girls were essentially raised by her ex-husband and his new wife who had two children of her own. Based on the stories I have heard from all three of her daughters, the step-mom and the new step brother and sister were not nice to them at all. After my wife was able to get her feet back under her (it took a few years), my wife wanted to get custody back but her ex-husband and his new wife threatened and ridiculed and played on her guilt of giving them up in the first place to keep her from seeking custody.

Her step-daughter started dating her husband and spent most of her time with him while she was still living with her dad and step-mom. When she graduated from High School she moved in with my wife and I and continued to date her now-husband. She lived with us for about 8 months. They had already been talking about getting married for almost a year by the time she moved in with us. The excitement of getting married and being able to live their own lives was still very attractive to them. Even though we tried to discourage them getting married so young, they were convinced that this is what they should do because they were so much in love.

BTW, my wife's 17 year old still lives with her father and step-mom. We have asked if she would like to come live with us, but she doesn't want to leave her dad alone and she and my 17 year old son don't really get along very well (long and complicated as to why).. I have physical custody of my 3 children from my first marriage. Their mom lives in another state and doesn't see them very often. We accomodate her whenever she requests to be able to see them as long as it doesn't interfere with the kids school.

And the crap keeps getting deeper. This guy my step-daughter is seeing also has a my-space page. On that page he has admitted to being in jail a few times. He has been brought up on assault charges and according to someone that has mutual friends, this guy currently has broken parole and has a warrant for his arrest.

My hell .... how do people get conned by people like this? My wife is in tears wanting to get this guy away from her daughter. She is at the end of her rope and dangling by a thread :'-(

I never mentioned that is what is going on. It was a perhaps rather than a definite. We only know what you tell us...the rest is simply different angles and different points of views.

Now...I stand on what I said. She is an adult. All you can do is give her advice and allow her to live out her mistakes. I hope she comes around but, it is really hard to make them listen. If it was my daughter and the guy had assault charges, I would investigate the charges via public records and get copies of those charges and give them to her but, it's still up to her.

I wish peace and strength to your wife and the entire family...

bottom line is it's out of your wifes control. And by everything you have disclosed it sounds like the two of them deserve each other. I know it sounds harsh but to behave like a single person while married you get back what your putting out.

Do the best you can to support your wife and suggest she butt out of it. There is nothing anyone can do to change the daughters mind. She is hell bent on this. It's hard watching family make huge mistakes. I know this from personal experience. I also know you can do more damage than good trying to convince someone how stupid they are behaving.