Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have been re-married for 2-1/2 years. My wife has three daugthers from her first marriage. Her oldest is 21, married, and expecting their first child, her youngest is 17 and going to High School but has a boyfriend that she "loves" and has dreams of being married to him (personally, I don't like the guy too much and think he is trouble). However, it is her middle daughter that is creating the most stress right now.
She is not quite 20 years old and has been married for about a year and a half. She married her high school sweetheart and dated him for 2 years before they got married. Her husband seems like a nice enough guy but like most early 20 year old guys, he enjoys playing video games and spends a LOT of time doing it. My step-daughter even played the games wtih him. Recently they moved to a new place with some roommates. The roommates are engaged but not married yet. My step-daughter started going to dance clubs with the female room mate while her husband and the male roommate would stay at home and play video games. Well, she met some guy at one of these dance clubs and now wants a divorce. I believe that this guy she met is a total player and is feeding her lines to make her feel like she is unhappy and wants a divorce. All of this has happened in just the past month.
This is absolutely killing my wife. She has Fibromyalgia and has a hard time dealing with stress becaue it causes pain flare ups with her FM. My wife made similar decisions when she was her daughters age (got married young to get away from home, didn't really experience much of what life has to offer, and regreted being married to the guy after just a few short years). However, my wife stuck it out until she couldn't deal with it any more ... by then they had three kids. So my wife is torn, she doesn't want her daughter to be seduced by this dance hall slime bag and throw away what could be a good marriage. But at the same time, she doesn't want her to be unhappy and stuck in a marriage she doesn't want to be in and the time to get out is before there are any kids in the picture.
The biggest thing is she doesn't want her to be making a rash and hasty decision without considering everything involved. It is a hell of a position to be in. Add to that the difficulties we are having with my 17 year old son from my first marriage and the stress is truly wearing her down. She feels dead inside and can't see herself ever being happy again. The combination of stress, FM, kids making foolish decision, etc. .... it is literaly killing her. I look in her eyes and I see the spark that was there is gone. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. I offer my suggestions and do my best to be supportive, but I'm kind of the odd man out. The older daughters didn't really get a chance to know me very well and I didn't get a chance to know them. They are not very likely to listen to any advice from me and because I don't know very much about them, it is difficult to offer advice.
Should I just be supportive to my wife and do my best to help her maintain her sanity?
What do I do about my sanity? Watching my wife suffer from this is devastating to me as well. And then my kids start their own drama. BOTH of us are in a world of hurt ... I've just got a better set of 'tools' to deal with my frustrations and stress ... plus I don't have FM which makes even the smallest tasks seem monumental at times.
Any advice would be welcome.
She is not quite 20 years old and has been married for about a year and a half. She married her high school sweetheart and dated him for 2 years before they got married. Her husband seems like a nice enough guy but like most early 20 year old guys, he enjoys playing video games and spends a LOT of time doing it. My step-daughter even played the games wtih him. Recently they moved to a new place with some roommates. The roommates are engaged but not married yet. My step-daughter started going to dance clubs with the female room mate while her husband and the male roommate would stay at home and play video games. Well, she met some guy at one of these dance clubs and now wants a divorce. I believe that this guy she met is a total player and is feeding her lines to make her feel like she is unhappy and wants a divorce. All of this has happened in just the past month.
This is absolutely killing my wife. She has Fibromyalgia and has a hard time dealing with stress becaue it causes pain flare ups with her FM. My wife made similar decisions when she was her daughters age (got married young to get away from home, didn't really experience much of what life has to offer, and regreted being married to the guy after just a few short years). However, my wife stuck it out until she couldn't deal with it any more ... by then they had three kids. So my wife is torn, she doesn't want her daughter to be seduced by this dance hall slime bag and throw away what could be a good marriage. But at the same time, she doesn't want her to be unhappy and stuck in a marriage she doesn't want to be in and the time to get out is before there are any kids in the picture.
The biggest thing is she doesn't want her to be making a rash and hasty decision without considering everything involved. It is a hell of a position to be in. Add to that the difficulties we are having with my 17 year old son from my first marriage and the stress is truly wearing her down. She feels dead inside and can't see herself ever being happy again. The combination of stress, FM, kids making foolish decision, etc. .... it is literaly killing her. I look in her eyes and I see the spark that was there is gone. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. I offer my suggestions and do my best to be supportive, but I'm kind of the odd man out. The older daughters didn't really get a chance to know me very well and I didn't get a chance to know them. They are not very likely to listen to any advice from me and because I don't know very much about them, it is difficult to offer advice.
Should I just be supportive to my wife and do my best to help her maintain her sanity?
What do I do about my sanity? Watching my wife suffer from this is devastating to me as well. And then my kids start their own drama. BOTH of us are in a world of hurt ... I've just got a better set of 'tools' to deal with my frustrations and stress ... plus I don't have FM which makes even the smallest tasks seem monumental at times.
Any advice would be welcome.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
As parents, we always want to intervene and/or resolve our children's conflicts; however, it is a double sided sword. The parents are crossing over boundaries and vise versa.
IMO, the main thing that you and your wife should offer, is advice and resources for them to seek as she is an adult with a husband.
Show her the way to seek a marriage counselor. The mother's health is at stake and so is your marriage. I am not advocating for you to turn your back but, when our children become adults and make adult decisions, they have to learn to find solutions with you guys as the safety net and not the nucleus of a resolution.
My daughter is 23 and I'm so glad that she is far away from wanting to marry her boyfriend as she has focused on graduating from college. But, if she did go that route, she would have to find solutions because if I was to step in, I would be stunning her growth as a woman, as an adult. I won't be around forever and I will not dare cripple her at this point.
You can read through these links that we provide the newbies and perhaps, you can populate some advice you can offer. Just offer advice...don't meddle.
http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/2816539-manual
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358621-stages
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358615-loveless
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358611-7steps
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358596-no-contact
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358587-forgiveness
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358584-loving-yourself
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358575-loneliness
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358567-pastas-posted
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358554-drama
http://dailystrength.org/help/crisis-resources
http://www.hud.gov/homeless/index.cfm
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/6969338-your-message
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/7880220-break-up-survival-guide/lastpage
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/8291684-survivors-bill-rights/lastpage
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/8686330-101-little-instructions-surviving/lastpage
Here is another contribution from a beloved member that will be leaving us...Zen11...we will miss her and we thank her for so much and of course, for her parting words that she allowed me to share with you:
I have watched many come and go...and come and go again. I have read too many "good-bye cruel DS world" threads, not that there's anything wrong with that. Its just not my thing. As much as I would like to acknowledge some wonderful people publicly, I'll just keep this here and hope that some find this with sweet serendipity.
I'm certainly one who likes to give her opinion and advice, so it really was difficult to end my thread addiction. So here is my final advice (yeah, gotta have the last freakin word):
On online support group etiquette:
1. don't be an ass. I could write a dissertation on this topic alone. I will spare you.
2. yes, there is a difference between a 20 y.o.'s 2 month relationship blowing up and a 40 y.o.'s 15 year marriage tanking, but pain is pain. Have some compassion for pete's sake. Refer to #1 before responding.
3. number nabbing is a serious sport. it is not for the weak or those with dial up connections.
4. online groups aren't all that different from "real people" groups. you wouldn't walk into a party and start talking shit about people you don't know so don't do it online either. read the threads. read the responses. learn about the people in the group. refer to #1 before responding.
5. creating multiple profiles, trolling, stalking, etc. is creepy and just plain wrong. shame on you. refer to #1.
6. nothing good can come of starting a thread after midnight on a lonely Friday night while drinking. trust me on this one. okay, maybe some good. those who are sober are usually thoroughly entertained.
7. starting new threads every half hour that pretty much detail your every thought is grounds for banning. okay, it isn't, but it should be. Journal that shit.
All right. Getting off my high horse now. I should be allowed up on the soap box once and awhile considering my veteran status. :)
On break ups:
The best advice I ever received is the same advice that made my blood boil when I first got it. Take care of yourself. I didn't understand what that meant on many levels and no one ever expanded on it. In a nutshell (cuz an entire book could and should be written on the subject) bring the focus back to YOU. There is a time to vent about what an asshole your ex is, but that time really needs to be short. Get it out. Journal, bitch, scream and let it go. Then bring the focus back to YOU. Basics. Food, exercise, hygiene, etc. Every time you catch yourself complaining about what the ex is doing or who they are doing it to, stop. What are YOU doing? You won't change what she/he did. You won't change her/his behaviors. You can only change yourself. Live the life YOU want. Right now.
For God's sake get some therapy and don't take all your advice from some whackos on an online support group site. :)
At this point, my wife wants to send her to the midwest to live with her brother, LOL. I say we let her make these decisions and suffer the consequences. She's an adult and making adult decisions. She can suffer the adult consequences. My wife doesn't like that idea because she recognizes (as do I) that there are a lot of scumbags out there that will take what they want and then dump them like garbage and she doesn't want that to happen to her daughter. All the while she is getting stressed, in pain, getting sick and depressed, and there does not appear to be a light at the end of this tunnel .....
Once upon a time, she and I were a bit estranged. I sent her a letter with all the advice that a mother would give their daughter throughout certain phases of their lives because I didn't know if she would come back home again.
She is about to graduate with honors with a double major and she told me the other day that she reads that letter to this day and she appreciates me. She said that she understands why I let her make her mistakes and that she appreciates life so much better. This is when my daughter became my hero.
Don't try to control.
Be a safety net.
Give advice.
Live your own life.
Does your 17 year old live with you?
These bastardized Brady bunches don't seem to ever work out well.
I did well in life on my own as necessity is the mother of invention. I didn't have children until I was 26.
My daughter left home to go to the college where he boyfriend was going. They are both graduating....
If her daughter is a grown up now, making grown up decisions.....let her make grown up mistakes. I'd work with your wife on the value of letting this play out. No matter what advice you or your wife give, it won't be valued anyway, so why bother?
If you're going to do anything, I recommend simply laying out to the daughter what the consequences of her actions will be.
Her daughter will likely make mistakes, but those are her mistakes. Not yours or your wife's mistakes.
If I were you and your wife, I would give her no assistance in obtaining this divorce.
Again: If the daughter wants to make "big girl" decisions, let her do the leg work.
Just my opinion, but anything other than letting this play out and the daughter will only learn that she can fuck up, almost at will, as an adult with no real consequences.
The girls were essentially raised by her ex-husband and his new wife who had two children of her own. Based on the stories I have heard from all three of her daughters, the step-mom and the new step brother and sister were not nice to them at all. After my wife was able to get her feet back under her (it took a few years), my wife wanted to get custody back but her ex-husband and his new wife threatened and ridiculed and played on her guilt of giving them up in the first place to keep her from seeking custody.
Her step-daughter started dating her husband and spent most of her time with him while she was still living with her dad and step-mom. When she graduated from High School she moved in with my wife and I and continued to date her now-husband. She lived with us for about 8 months. They had already been talking about getting married for almost a year by the time she moved in with us. The excitement of getting married and being able to live their own lives was still very attractive to them. Even though we tried to discourage them getting married so young, they were convinced that this is what they should do because they were so much in love.
BTW, my wife's 17 year old still lives with her father and step-mom. We have asked if she would like to come live with us, but she doesn't want to leave her dad alone and she and my 17 year old son don't really get along very well (long and complicated as to why).. I have physical custody of my 3 children from my first marriage. Their mom lives in another state and doesn't see them very often. We accomodate her whenever she requests to be able to see them as long as it doesn't interfere with the kids school.
My hell .... how do people get conned by people like this? My wife is in tears wanting to get this guy away from her daughter. She is at the end of her rope and dangling by a thread :'-(
Now...I stand on what I said. She is an adult. All you can do is give her advice and allow her to live out her mistakes. I hope she comes around but, it is really hard to make them listen. If it was my daughter and the guy had assault charges, I would investigate the charges via public records and get copies of those charges and give them to her but, it's still up to her.
I wish peace and strength to your wife and the entire family...
Do the best you can to support your wife and suggest she butt out of it. There is nothing anyone can do to change the daughters mind. She is hell bent on this. It's hard watching family make huge mistakes. I know this from personal experience. I also know you can do more damage than good trying to convince someone how stupid they are behaving.