I know exactly what you mean! And no there is nothing you can do about it. He will always be like this. The only person you can help is you.

Oh yeah, you have just described my STBX..In public and around his friends he is one person, at home he was a different person..Same with the counseling.

As far as a solution, I do not know what to tell you because I am divorcing my STBX..Not just for this issue alone..

People often put on a "public persona" that fits how they want to be seen by others who do not know them well.

My sister, was a "frugal" person at home, but to the outside world she always wanted to seem "generous". Don't get me wrong I loved my late sister. Just thought if you saw it from a different point of view you might see how this works.

I'm a bit of a "fraidy cat"..but try to project myself as very self confident to people who do not know me.

It's really not that unusual.

My ex was like that. He would bend over backwards for his buddies, was really friendly, but at home, completely different

My wife wore a hat when she was out. When she got home, she would take it off to expose the horns...

Mine has shown many different sides just to me, from the most charming, wonderful, responsible, kind, generous, loving spouse to being mean-spirited, secretive, resentful, lying, evasive, irresponsible. It wasn't a public/private thing. It could have to do with his being an alcoholic--but he showed all these sides while sober. It has been very confusing for me, and also I think I have had more trouble letting go because I keep dwelling on the great side of him, who I like to believe is who he really is. However, truthfully, they are all different true parts of him, alas.

My stbx is apparently happy at work (friends have told me)then when he comes home he may give me a hug,have his supper then sit with his head in his hands for a while,ive stopped asking if he is ok as he usually shrugs his shoulders and denies there is a problem.Hes still leaving, doesent know when or where hes going to go,then next minute hes a total stranger,grumpy,rude,etc etc.
Then he tells me he loves me,what is going on? he wont even consider a counselor

Mine did this too. I don't have a solution, either and being that I tended to overcompensate for him and enable his behavior, (I realize I need to work on this for future relationships) then...But yes..He is Mr. I'll Get The Bill, which meant to me that I would have to juggle the grocery money, do without family vacations...He is very generous with himself and likes to brag about and show off his purchases, but wasn't the one dealing with the banks to keep us out of forecloser. The latest deal was buying a new exhaust system for his Harley. Was going to have so and so tune them because they were the "best!" (meaning more expensive, too). Heck, he is still paying for the pipes he had installed when he bought the bike! duh. He is all about bragging rights and trying to keep up with other friends. Counseling? Naw...he goes a few times, then stops because I am sure he doesn't want them to get him to realize he has problems.

I would like to add that hopefully, in time, he will start to let his true self out in counseling, especially if you have a skilled counselor--and then maybe you can both really deal with the issues or at least deal with how difficult it is for you and strategies you can both use to bring more harmony to this. I hope he would be able to be honest and not say that you are just imagining this.

Here we go.
Your happiness is not and should not be connected to how your husband treats you.
Tell your tharapist that you cant be happy unless he treats you well and see where that will take you.
You cant change him but you can change yourself.
It may seem hard and daunting . But you will be happeir in the long run.
There are several women heree that said to hell with how he is treating me and I want to live a life without fear of how that man is treating me.
Walking on eggshells is no fun
Aks some of the women here how they got over that.
And hold on to your butt cuase your life will change for the better.
Matt

Thank you all for your responses.

I think everyone puts up a front while in public. They can't truly be themselves with the whole world watching. I guess it depends on the severity of the different personas if it's a problem.

Mine wears his gold star for dad of the year in public and to his family, in reality he completely ignores his child, doesn't support her financially, physically, or emotionally but, hey, as long as the pics are smiley who cares......

Wow... sounds just like my husband, although after a few months other people can see it too.

He's a very "private" person and doesn't want anyone knowing our business either, but if his friend suggest that he buy something he's right out there doing it. Like he is trying to get approval from friends, or look like the coolest one.

In the last couple of years he has become very negative and is a totally different person at home than he is when we're out. He also has episodes where he will just explode in anger when no one even knew anything was wrong. I have been trying to get him to go see someone, but he's not having it.

We've been married 18 years now (since we were 19) and I've been trying my hardest to hold on, but I just don't know how much longer I can do this. If he doesn't want the help the only thing that I can see that is going to change the situation is leaving and then maybe he will get some help. I love him very much and don't want to have to do it, but I see no other options at this point.

My ex was like that too. He projected himself to be a very helpful, giving person when in actuality he is very manipulative and selfish. His acting skills caused other people to see me as the bad guy, the crazy one with problems, when in fact my reactions were practical responses to his abuse.

Sadly I don't think there is a solution. In my couple months of healing I have learned that there are in fact bad people in the world and just like my ex it is possible that your spouse may be one. There are people who don't care if they hurt you or others around them and although they may say they care their actions should be reason enough to believe otherwise. Too bad those people are just as lovable as the good ones.

I would suggest though that you always be aware of the facade in case he tries to turn it around on you. My ex did many times, working his charm on me, and I was foolish enough to let him in. Don't make my mistake. Know what to look for and see it for what it is.