Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So... My back story first. Nov 2014 ex wife leaves me for another man she met only 2 weeks before after spending a year prior to that telling me we were ok and that she loved me. No communication on how unhappy she was. Of course there were signs, but I never knew for a moment that she was that unhappy.
Anyway, fast forward almost 2 years and I'm in a relatively good place mentally, emotionally and financially.
Now I find myself kind of feeling lonely on a pretty regular basis, I miss being part of a couple and I definitely miss her.
I've dated a few women, but the results always end up the same, they're not interested and I'm really starting to feel like there's something wrong with me. The last woman I dated lasted 4 months, and her hesitation was that I have kids and she doesn't have kids and wasn't sure she was ready to date a man with children. Fair enough, I can understand that.
I don't feel like it would be difficult to find dates. Online dating has made it easier than ever to meet new people, it's great. Right now though I feel afraid. I'm afraid of being rejected yet AGAIN. I open up the dating apps, I match some people and even have some women saying hi to me first. Then I don't respond.
I think it's because I've become really disillusioned about love. I don't really see a point in trying to find something that no one seems to be willing to work on. Now I have nothing against women, but 70% of all divorces are initiated by women (the interesting thing is that in non married relationships the breakups are equal). And I have read so many pro-divorce articles often written by women. Too many articles where the initiator has openly said that there wasn't anything overtly wrong, but they just had to find "themselves" or they were "unhappy".
I guess I find it hard to believe that I could trust anyone again with these thoughts, actions and ideas being the driving force behind many divorces. The whole Eat, Pray, Love thing! (Which by the way her and her husband of 15 years, who she met on her Eat, Pray, Love adventure are now splitting). I find it almost pointless to even try or to even bother.
See I'm not basing this off just those things alone. I gave my heart to my ex 100%. There was no out for me. We made a family and in that commitment (abuse is always an out) I would have worked on what would have been needed to make sure we got over the bad times. I really trusted her. I understand that we had some issues, and I clearly see what mine were after the fact. My point is though, is that she based her decision off of how she was feeling over a short amount of time. A feeling that is fleeting and changes. Her unhappiness, as though it was my fault that she was unhappy. Never mind all the great times. It just seems people (men included) are often so willing to throw it all away, only to discover that how they feel may not be any different down the road and that the real work needs to start with them.
Our throw away culture saddens me. It saddens me that people aren't willing to take the time to reconnect. They're all too eager to shed what they think is their cause of strife, for something new and shiny.
Seems really pointless if you ask me... Love just seems like a losing game, and that no matter what, someone will ALWAYS get hurt, ALWAYS! I know that this is a sad way of being, and I also know that at some point I will probably fall madly in love again and forget that I ever felt this way. For now I'm trying to embrace my single life and do some personal growth and enjoy just being me without the expectations of another.
For now I sign off... The Late Brew!
The world today in general saddens me deeply.
Jay... It's not that I believe they don't exist, I just feel like they're far and few between. I think it does go both ways, that women and men aren't willing to put in the work. But the world in general saddens me too.
You just have not found the right one and had the right attitude to clinch the deal, as I put it.
If you seem needy or leading with your chin or mention the ex-wife, all of those are ways to shoot yourself in the foot while on a date.
I think you need more time to get over the ex-wife.
I hate the way the relationship with my ex and some after have altered the way I think about relationships in general. I think that, sure, if there is one thing the person I am dating doesn't like, or labels as a "red flag" in their opinion, that they will bolt immediately. I just don't want to deal with that anymore. Rejection of any kind, even if its not you, its them, is taxing.
I always believed and wanted to be in love. I felt there was someone out there that felt the same as me, and when we were to meet, we would. I am not so sure anymore. I guess, I believe 1 in every 10 ladies aren't swiping left on everyone, so she may be out there, but I am not even looking for her I find. And until I keep my eyes and heart open, I wont see her.
I would agree that I don't think you are ready to date. I know I am not ready to date as I don't want to. That right there is a clear sign that no matter who you meet or how hard you try, it isn't going to come to fruition at this time. So its best to not muddy the waters right now with the anxiety of "Will she like me or wont she", when you need to get to the point where you can for sure say, She will like me cus I like me.
Welcome to the group
We do live in a society where it's easier to walk away then to tough it out. I'm guilty of thinking the grass is greener on the other side. But, I have always tried to communicate my feelings. I am also guilty of being a coward at times, not opening up for fear of rejection. But, let me tell you, not opening up because of fear is the ultimate betrayal of not only your partner, but yourself. That took me a lot of failure to realize—and I still screw it up!
What I'm trying to say is, it takes strength to openly communicate your feelings, needs, and wants. It also takes strength and courage to encourage your partner to keep open channels with you. You mentioned signs being there. If you felt the signs, perhaps you could have been more supportive in creating an atmosphere where she wanted to express herself and felt safe in working through things.
I'm not pointing fingers. Don't get me wrong. But, I always try to look for areas of personal growth as well as traits in partners I know are unhealthy clashes for me.
Keep standing strong. Be patient. The universe has a plan for us all … and remember, everything falls apart before something great.
I agree with you for the most part, and your term "throw away culture" just rings so true. HOWEVER.... One thing I have learned from my own painful divorce last year is that everything in this world is temporary. Yes, even relationships, even marriage - life itself is temporary.
So maybe another way to look at things is... Let's say you meet someone, you both seem compatible, you have some really good times together, a few bad times, but the good far outweighs the bad. Then you break up for some reason. Was it worth it? Perhaps it depends on how long the good times lasted. But in some cases I think we would agree that it was still worth it.
Maybe you'll find your happily-ever-after person. Maybe, instead, you will have 2 or 3 more close, meaningful relationships with different women and they will each be fulfilling in some way. And maybe you'll find that they were all worth experiencing.
I guess at the start of any given relationship you have no way of knowing if it will go the distance. And the odds are probably against you. But if you change your expectations a bit, embrace the unfortunate facts of life that nothing is permanent, nothing is guaranteed, you can go into it with a different perspective. I think it also reduces the "pressure" to find that person who you'll be happy with "forever".
I want someone to be with forever, to grow old with. But there is no viable way to screen for relationship longevity when dating. So instead find someone compatible who is fun, makes you happy, builds you up (instead of tearing you down), and improves your life. Then, if it lasts "forever", great! If it doesn't, it will still have been worthwhile along the way.
That's how I'm trying to approach dating and life. Perhaps from a jaded perspective. To give more insight into my thinking, I also find it to be very unlikely that I will marry again. I see no point in getting legally entangled with anyone again, especially after the pain of disentangling during divorce, and I think sometimes it is true that people change to some extent once the ink dries. Now you have someone tied to you in a more permanent way, so you don't have to "try" as hard to be a healthy contributor to the relationship. Perhaps I have just resignedly accepted the potentially temporal nature of all relationships.
Maybe my rambling will help you consider a new perspective. Either way good luck to you! You sound like one of the "good ones", like I was - someone who actually meant "till death do us part" when they chose to get married, then got burned.
She is 15 years younger and I guess he wanted a true
"do over" :P
My sick sense of humor and sarcasm has gotten me through and I too am in a much better state. It's amazing how much happier I am not being married to him lol. Here is the rub-- dating sucks! Or I have found it to. I also have a kiddo he has Autism so that takes things to a whole other level. I have learned to compartmentalize my life but it's hard to find someone who understands that my son is a priority and until I have a solid relationship with someone special will I be willing to share a new relationship with my son.
It's tough to wade through the superficial frivolity just to find someone genuine to hang with for movie, dinner etc...
So know you aren't alone in the BS boat lol
We'll find shore again meanwhile we'll watch the beautiful horizon....
(Wow that was deep:)
I often try to live my life with the understanding that all things are temporary. This I know to be true. I had thought that we could have made it though and that temporary meant to the end.
When I had read your comment Steppingovertheedge it made me think back to when we first broke up and the pain I felt. I remember feeling like it would never go away. I remember when it did though, I remember specifically feeling less pain. So I agree, all things are temporary and it's this temporary nature of life that also makes it wonderful, and it also makes it tough.
As it is said, this too shall pass.
I'm sure when I'm ready, I will encounter the shore, and get off the BS boat and feel safe with someone again.
Right now, I know that I am not ready. I would like to believe I am, but I'm not. I can say that even after almost two years I miss her so much still. I wish I didn't, but I do. I miss having a whole family. I miss not having to do everything when I am with the kids.
I know I will be ok. For now though, I don't feel ok and I'm ok with that.
I'm apparently still grieving and having to see her a couple times a week doesn't help (during pick up and drop off). That is the one downside of sharing children with an ex. No possibility of NC!
Oh well. Thanks again for all the wise and wonderful words people.
The Late Brew!
So please be very careful on with that statistic . unfortunately sometimes women are just left to doing the chore of submitting the paperwork ( and in my case I think it's because I also have more balls than my ex husband )
Sorry touchy subject
How do you give and try when you were hurt so bad and the world seems scary
Thanks for the reply. I'm not sure how they came up those stats, but that's what they are. I am really not blaming women (no hate, I like women) and I'm sure all of them had their reason. I just feel like the dream of divorce is sold by articles and books pushing women in the direction of choosing divorce so they can "find themselves". Then there are situations like yours, that sounds like it was a really tough time and I'm happy to hear you left him. He sounds like he was not very nice.
I have read articles by a psychologist that wrote an article called "Why women leave good men" and pointed out that many of the splits she witnessed could have been saved. That many of the men being left were not bad men.
I have met more women than men admit that there wasn't anything overly wrong, they were just not happy, not in love anymore etc. My cousin, married for 20 years left her husband out of the blue and there was not much wrong.
I met another woman recently, who left her husband of 10 years and 2 kids. She openly admitted that there was not much wrong. She left for another man, who ended up being a nut job. Now she's miserable and alone.
So this is actually an interesting thing, because in non married hetero relationships, the stats are actually equal. So what happens in marriage? Why do men stay longer in marriages that are no longer ok? Why are women leaving men in such large numbers? What conversations do we have to have to change this? These are things I have been thinking a lot about since my seperation.
I want to point out that I'm not blaming women. I'm not saying that this is all women's fault. I spent some time being very introspective, and I understand what my part (or what I understand to be my part) in the failure of our relationship was. I know how I want to be in my next relationship. I know that men are equally responsible for the failures.
So sex/gender aside. I just feel really hopeless. I really want to believe in forever after (although I know that is very unlikely). I want to believe that people are willing to work at their relationships, and understand that dips are a normal part of life and that happiness is not found on the green pastures over yonder.
That we are all responsible for our own happiness and that it isn't fair to put that on our partners.
Anyway, I really did not want to sound like I was blaming women.
I'm also very sorry to hear of your experiences. I felt very betrayed by my ex, but I also felt overall that we had a good relationship. I can only imagine the pain you went through and I hope you are doing better.
The Late Brew!