For the record, sleepovers by boyfriends and girlfriends can be uncomfortable for the kids no matter how old the kids are. I am single and my son was 22 and still didn't like it when I brought a guy home that he didn't know well yet. Just my .02...

I have it written in my divorce judgement that no one of the opposite sex, unrelated can spend the night while children are there. Or here for that matter. Not like I'd ever do that, but just to be equal. You are not overreacting. We need to do things to protect our children. If you are not fully divorced yet, you should add that to your judgment, or just keep a good log of when it happens, then perhaps petition friend of the court to discuss your concerns about your children's healthy state of mind. Definitely not an overreaction. Shame on her for putting her needs above the children's.

You are not overreacting - most of the custody arrangements I hear about have a clause in them about no overnights with the kids under the roof until re-marriage

If your children are uncomfortable with the situation then it needs to be dealt with. Remember though that the discomfort may just be with the fact that it's someone else and NOT you sleeping there.

I know that many have "no opposite sex sleep over" clauses put in the divorce"..and many get upset that children seeing or hearing mommy or daddy going to bed with someone else. I play devils advocate pretty well and h ave often wondered something. Are children traumatized by seeing their parents sleep together? Or is it the idea by the ex that this is evil? I'm not trying to start a huge debate.

Lets suppose that the new significant other is for all intents and purposes a law abiding, non drug using, non alcoholic, non child molesting person..is it really any different than seeing Mommy and Daddy get into the same bed? It's just something I've wondered about.

I AHVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE AT, NO PARENT NEEDS TO BRING A BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND AROUND THE CHILDREN UNTIL THEY ARE FOR SURE GOING TO WORK OUT, THEY REALLY DONT NEED TO BE STAYING THE NIGHT, I JUST HOPE THEY DID NOT SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM. THAT CAN REALLY BOTHER KIDS, SORRY IF YOU NEED TO TALK FEEL FREE.

When my girls' dad and I were separated, my girls came home from daddy's house one time and told me about daddy's girl friend who had a sleepover - in daddy's bed ....I called him and ASKED him if he could confine his sleepovers to the nights he didn't have the kids. I told him he was setting an example and if he didn't want his daughter to think it was ok to do what he was doing, then he needed to stop. Kids do what you do, not what you say.

How selfish can she be. No, with the further information, I agree she is totally out of line. And she's only been seeing him a few weeks!!! How does she know what kind of man he'd be. And with the kind of upbringing that you have always had with the kids, that just makes it worse. And how could you let your own daughter look forward to the outing, even having her brothers at their dads and then make her have an evening with HIM instead. Doesn't say much for him either as a person since he had to know about it.

I would have to agree with you on this one. When I do date, I go out only on the weekends my son is not with me. I figured at least he could learn from one of his parents how to make good choices and it would have to me because his dad sure didn't and still doesn't know how to.

I forgot to tell you, you need to iron this out now, because it will continue to be a problem. And it will be other issues, too, so I agree with the others about having stipulations written into the separation and divorce decree. Sounds like you have tried to talk to her with no cooperation.
My girls' step mom "rented the basement" of daddy's house while they were dating and engaged. My girls were too small/young to get it, thank goodness. But, it was a step in the right direction. My ex did not have her sleep in his bed while the girls were there. Now that he is married to her, though, we have issues like stepmom giving my girls bad haircuts without permission when the girls were trying to grow their hair. When they came home with bangs that looked like they'd been done with yard trimmers, I had trouble not getting mad. I again, ASKED my ex to ask his wife to let me,as primary care paren, take care of haircuts, and all other personal care. It is going to be a long road, so get ready.

I haven't been in this situation yet. According to state mandated parenting class that I took in order to receive the divorce, we were told that "sleepovers" were not considered harmful to the children. Any illegal or abusive behavior going on of course is. I guess you can't make your ex understand not to be selfish, it seems that is who she is. I would not have my children witness anything like that unless and until I was sure this was a committed relationship. I feel for you.

For the record, my divorce is finalized (as of 1-30-07). I am planning on re-reading the decree tonight because I can't remember if there was anything in there about "sleepovers".

Regarding the comment about the parenting class and how sleep overs don't hurt the kids. That may be well and good, but when you are trying to raise your children with the moral perspective that sex is only between husband and wife, then it enters a different realm. My children are still young (the oldest is just into his teens), but they are old enough to know what is going on and that the boyfriend is not sleeping on the couch.

I do agree that they will need to get accustomed to someone other than their father being with mom. But, I feel she has stepped out of bounds here.

Thanks to the reponses that confirm to me that I am not over reacting.

I agree jlkrjl that I need to iron this out now. I need to talk to the ex. However, I have had talks with her about this in the past. I asked her when she is dating other men, not to introduce them to the children until she is more comfortable with who they are and if the relationship has any potential. Her response, as I mentioned before, was "Thanks for your concern, but I disagree and will do what I want to anyway."

Another dilemna I have is that my ex is not very understanding, has no compassion or empathy, and gets angry easily. If I mention to her that I heard about this from the kids, it is highly likely that she will get anrgy at the children. In the past this would lead to a screaming tirade. She says that she has changed and doesn't do that anymore but that is not the impression I get from our children. Thankfully, the kids seem to feel that they can talk to me about these things ... I hope that does not change.

YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL HER THAT THE KIDS TOLD YOU, YOU CONFRONT HER AND SAY I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO START DATING SO IS THERE ANYWAY FOR THE KIDS THAT YOU CAN WAIT TO BRING THE GUYS AROUND THE KIDS UNTIL YOU HAVE DATED HIM FOR AWHILE AND YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT HIM? IF NOT THAN GO TO THE NEST STEP. YOU NEED TO START WRITING ALL THIS DOWN TO, THE DATES AND WHAT HAPPENED, ALL TALKS YOU TO HAVE.

FORGOT, YOU WILL ALOS SHOW YOUR KIDS THEY CAN COUNT ON YOU AND TRUST YOU, THAT IS VERY SPECIAL, I HAVE THAT WITH MY KIDS. SORRY YA'LL ARE GOING THROUGH THIS, YOU ALSO WRITE DOWN THE TIMES YOU TOOK THE KIDS WHEN IT WAS HER WEEKEND. PLEASE DON'T LET THE KIDS HEAR YA'LL FIGHT WHEN THEY ARE WITH YOU. THAT IS HARD ON THEM ALSO. GOOD LUCK

My ex and I don't fight ... we didn't fight in our marriage either. We have had some discussions where we do not agree, but I would not classify them as fights.

I document every time I have the kids. I have a calender that I mark my regularly scheduled time and I add to it whenever I have additional time with them. I also keep a journal of all of this stuff.

I have successfully moved past giving a crap about her, but her continued selfish behavior and disregard for the feelings of our children is very frustrating and creating stress for me. :(

WELL YES AND IT WILL UNTIL SHE WAKES UP. I HAVE BEEN THERE.