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Situation: I need advice

bigguy3
bigguy3
I had my boys tonight. My ex was supposed to go to a mother/daughter thing the school sponsored. She asked me to take the boys so she wouldn't have to find a sitter for the boys. I didn't have any other plans so I was glad to be able to have some additional time to spend with my kids.

My oldest son was telling me about my ex-wife's current boyfriend. He said he was upset at his mom because she asked her boyfriend to spend the night and my son didn't like that. The excuse she gave was that her boyfriend was too tired to drive home (yeah, I believe that ... NOT). Anyway, the next morning my son told her that he didn't sleep well and kept waking up all night long because he was uncomfortable that her boyfriend was there in the house.

Later that night, as I was bringing my boys back to her place, my youngest said, "I bet mom's boyfriend will be at the house.", and sure enough, his car was in the drive way when I got there. Apparently, my ex skipped the mother/daughter thing, took my daughter out to dinner and ice cream then came home and called up her boyfriend to come over then told my daughter to call me in about an hour to bring the boys home. My ex had told me that she would call me when they were done with the mother/daughter night ... apparently, she needed some mother/boyfriend time as well.

This disregard for the wishes of the children and the irresponsible behavior of having a man she has only been dating for a short period of time sleep in the house when she has the children really bothers me. When I have the kids with me I could care less who she has over for the night ... but I don't think it is right for her to have a "house guest" while she has the kids with her. Do you think I am over reacting? What would you do?
deleted_user
deleted_user
I do not think you are over reacting at all! I don't know what I would do in this situation though,, but a child does not need to be seeing that kind of behavior because it tells them that it is ok and underminds all morality!
deleted_user
deleted_user
What do you know about this guy?

There isn't a lot you can do about it unless he's got some major problems. I think your son is your major concern here and as hard as it may be, you need to tell him he'll be fine and to comfort him. Regardless of your moral opinion she is free to do as she pleases. Your biggest job is to comfort that boy and bite your tongue as best you can. Someday you will be introducing someone to your children as well.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well other than the fact that your son has said this makes him uncomfortable, it could be unsafe. If she wants to take risks like that when she is on her own fine, but give it a break when the kids are home. I would tell her you think it was irresponsible one, to miss the mother-daughter thing and two, to ignore your son's feelings about the bf sleeping over. I would also say, what you do is your business and I don't care, but when you have the children, please consider their feelings and safety. This is not too much to ask as I am sure you would do the same for your kids.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If you have a good relationship with his mother, bt all means discuss the situation. At the least let her know how your son feels. However, any big stink may amke amtters worse. It's a tough one. I have had problems dating never mind a sleep over with my kids, but the facts are that it is going to happen and we have to help or kids get used to the idea. Sleepovers??? Not until the kids are comfortable with the other. That's me though. You really can't control that unless there are some major flags.
patti22
patti22
How long has she been dating him? And how long has she known him? It's a tough issue and one you probably can't do anything about. Encourage your children to tell their mother their feeling about everything...not just this one specific thing. As for making the mother/daughter function. Plans might have been changed because of the boyfriend, or maybe your daughter really didn't want to go after all. I have made plans to do such things and then at the last minute my son will say that he doesn't want to go, and rather than forcing it, we just stayed home. Maybe your daughter just wanted mother/daughter time alone. Too bad the boyfriend showed up, but again nothing you can do. Next time maybe you can take your daughter out alone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You're not overreacting. In fact, my attorney writes this into separation agreements as a matter of course. It is prohibited per our agreement. It's just common sense to me. Don't expose your kids to your 'love life' until you are remarried. Otherwise, it is very confusing to the kids, Not to mention, it may send a moral message you don't want your kids to get (i.e., sleeping with someone outside of marriage); which is fine for adults to do but you certainly don't want teenagers to think it's okay.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes you have too get use to that Idea. I know your kids do not like it. Your ex is moving on and so should you. You no longer have any right to say what she does in her personal life. You do have a right to be concerned and about your childre you should express yourself about that. But at the end of the day. It is none of your business. You will do the same some day and she will have to deal with it. I am in the same boat.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My lawyer told me that you can write into your divorce agreement ---No sleepovers in front of the kids unless you are marries--to that effect. That's all well and done but then you have to prove it. Can't use the kids you spouse could say you manipulated them in to saying stuff. Gotta have pictures from a PI or do it yourself--yuck!!! The problem herein in enforcability. As if we need more to deal with other than the divorce itself.
deleted_user
deleted_user
sorry didn't proof read.
patti22
patti22
Yes Gemini, it is common sense, but again it depends on the state. SC is very conservative, in PA there are no restrictions once you are seperated. He can have anybody over he wants. It's all left to the parents discretion. Hah, I don't see mine introducing them to lots of other women, but when I asked stbx about it, he acted as though he had never even thought it would be an issue to do so.
Che2
Che2
It's in my Divorce agreement too. No overnights. IMO..it's just not the right thing to do.

If your son is uncomfortable with it..and he should be..it is definately your business.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't think you are overreacting. And I have to say that your son telling you he is uncomfortable with the guy in the house could be telling you more. Kids are very good at letting you know when they don't think someone is a good person. Keep listening to them.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No your reaction is normal, yes you may not care what she is doing but not in front of the kids.

Make sure your son that is uncomftable with it,lets her know all the time. If you and her can talk about it, that is the best, make sure she knows that you dont care when the kids are not there, but when the kids are there that this should not happen. That is what I did with my sons mother.

Just remind her, this is not about you two, it is about the kids. That is important! KIDS FIRST!
bigguy3
bigguy3
Thank you all for the replies. To expand on a few things ... my wife and I are christian. Our faith is very specific about no sexual relations outside of marriage. I take the kids to church with me every Sunday that I have them. My ex, and the kids, have told me that they go to church when she has the children on the weekends. For her to be behaving like this is contrary to a lot of things and is sending a horrible message to our children. If my ex's parents knew about this I am sure that they would be extremely upset. If we were not trying to raise the children with the moral position that sex outside of marriage is wrong, then it would be a slightly different situation.

Because this involves our children, the situation IS my business. Who she sleeps with, goes out with etc., is NOT my business, but when it affects our children then it is a different ballgame and it becomes MY business. I will try to talk to her about it but her response to me when I bring stuff like this up has always been "Thanks for your concern, but I will do what I want to anyway."

I have my children again this weekend (not my regularly scheduled weekend but the ex has a party Friday night and a class on Saturday - at least that is what she told me, so I have agreed to spend more time with them rather than a sitter.) I will try and get a feel how my daughter feels about things as well.

And it was not my daughter that changed her mind regarding the mother/daughter night. She very much wanted to go to the mother/daughter thing and was really looking forward to it. It is typical behavior by my ex to have no regard for ANYONE'S feelings except her own.
bigguy3
bigguy3
To answer a few other questions. My ex has been dating him for around a month. Her boyfriend is divorced and, according to my children, has little to no contact with his ex and his three children from that marriage. In the words of my son, "His ex-wife hates him and the children don't like him either."

I don't know anything about this guy other than the car he drives and what he looks like from a picture I have seen.

I realize that my children will need to get comfortable with both my ex and myself dating other people. But dating, and spending the night with are two completely different things.
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