Hi, I’m going to just use his first initial in case he goes into my phone. So I’ve known my fiancé J for 3 years now, we met on a dating app.

Right off the bat he fell for me very quickly, said I love you on the third day and then a week later he told me he wanted to marry me. He was 3 months out of a 4-year relationship/engagement with his ex. I honestly was put off by it but I met someone else at the time and we stayed friends.

J kept saying he wanted to kill himself so I talked him down probably a good 3 times. That was back in 2014. We were on and off again up until 2015. He moved out of state and came down. We were rebuilding our relationship and he did ask me to marry him, I said yes. But then I disappeared on him which I know wasn’t right but I got scared for whatever reason. Well, he moved back to our state, he called me and we went out to dinner and got back together. By this time I was moving to a college by his city so we spent a lot more time together and eventually I moved into his apartment.

Ok now that I got the history on us. I’m 23, he’s 28. So we’ve been living together for a year now and a lot of the stuff I was afraid of has come up. He has very manic episodes of his bipolar issues and self-harms. Back in January, I thought he was cheating on me. He kicked me out of our apartment and I began talking to a guy through messaging, never in person. Well, I came to find out that guy told J. We were on a break. So he lets me come back and we got past that part.

Now fast forward to October this year. We lost our apartment. I feel like he blames me. Every little thing, if his phone charger is on the floor, that’s my fault. I asked him not to rip apart a box my mom told me to save and he flipped out, told me I don’t have a brain. He’s gotten mad and said one thing and when I do it he turns around and said I didn’t listen and when I question him he gets mad. This is TMI and a trigger warning but I have woken up in the morning to put it lightly, a gift. He has sex with me when I’m sleeping, obviously, I don’t know how to feel about it.

We’re currently living with my parents and he always complains about the commute, well my mom was generous enough to let him live with us. I feel like I have to ask for permission even to get food at the store. I have been having some health problems and he told me not to talk to my mother about anything but she’s been through stuff with me and she’s all I have besides him to talk to. He tells me I need to cut my mom off, or that she’s too nosey. When we had our apartment he got all depressed when I went home and would non stop text me. Also, one of my hobbies is called stupid and he said do I really have time for it, but we always do what he wants.

It’s been a month and he’s spent money on bikes and trips but yet we still don’t have an apartment. I have no money because he needed gas to get to work because we live at my mothers and I don’t want him sleeping in his truck.

Honestly I’m afraid to even say little things to him in fear of setting him off. He’s said he’d kill himself if I ever left him. I love him to death I really do but I just don’t know what to do anymore.