Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Sh*tty Day

UghFeelings
UghFeelings

Hi All,


Hope everyone is doing well.  I haven't posted in a few weeks, but had a bad day, and thought this may help.


Just a quick recap, my ex and I broke up about six months ago, and have had no contact (except for the occasional head nod in passing) since I ended it.  He had a problem with alcohol abuse, and smokes weed three to four times a day.  We were together for three years, and let me tell you that he had some pretty bad episodes with PTSD (he was in the Marine Corps) during nights when he would drink.


Here's where I'm stuck - we had our Thanksgiving potluck at work today, and I got to see him with his new girlfriend holding hands (she works for the same agency).  It was like a kick to the teeth.  I knew they were together and had even seen them kiss in the parking lot, so I'm not sure why this sent me into a tailspin.  Maybe because it was at work in front of other people that know me?  I can't stop crying.  I feel like my thoughts are getting the best of me today.  That she's a much better person, and I caused him to drink to excess.  That she understands him better and I was a terrible girlfriend.  


How do you all deal with these obsessive thoughts?  I'm driving myself insane, and I hate this.  Feeling super inadequate, and I feel like having to see him in passing most days is effecting my work.  


Is there some magic button we can all push to get rid of our exes?  If not, who do we talk to about that?

imiru
imiru
Woah woah woah. Caused him to drink in excess? What did you twist his arm? Emotionally abuse him? Hit him? He chose to drink because of his PTSD that is in no way on you. And don't assume that his new girl is better, no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. For all anyone knows she's probably struggling with him too. Its natural and its ok to have those thoughts, *bear hug* I'm sorry you had to go through that. All you can do is smile and move along, cry when you need to and keep going.
UghFeelings
UghFeelings
imiru, thank you for the logical feedback - I tend to spiral into all these "perhaps" irrational scenarios. I do feel like I wasn't my best self at times, and definitely lost it when he would over drink, and had to clean up his physical and emotional messes. So there is some guilt there. I'm definitely crying, but you're absolutely right, I need to smile and move along. And thanks for the bear hug - did make me feel better!
thiscantbeit
thiscantbeit
Im with imiru. And Im glad you are too! Those feelings of inadequacy are normal but that doesnt mean theyre accurate. This is a hard place we're in right now. If changing jobs is not an option then start looking at what you can change to lessen those triggers that cause you to spiral. I know, easier said than done. But start writing things out and see what that may look like for you. I too wish there was a magic pill or button and this would *poof* be gone. Im praying! - Hugs
STex
STex
The intrusive thoughts kill me. I have been trying to "stop" myself. I give myself some time everyday to grieve and obsess, if I start thinking about the crap I tell myself stop- remind myself I don't have time at that moment refocus and get on with it. Our minds are so powerful and so weak at the same time. It doesn't always work, but a lot of the time I can get myself up and functioning again. I know it just sucks.
thiscantbeit
thiscantbeit
STex, I hear you. I have been really looking into what causes us to obsess like that and have yet to come across any solid answers. I like what you said, "Our minds are so powerful and so weak at the same time." That is so true. Our minds are powerful in absorbing and applying information but weak in managing emotions. I just don't want to feel anymore.