Thank you for this post. Im a firm believer that what we resist,persists. By living int he anger, grief, denial, etc we stay bound to the situation, you are so right. When we face it head on, accept we are powerless over others, the healing begins. Or so I know this to be true for me.

We all suffer from the same condition: human frailty.

human frailty

maybe it's suffering, maybe it's just part of being human, that being happy and fulfilled and free from pain isn't realistic and not what we're here for

I went back a number of times, so renouncing didnt work for me either until the struggle to make things better, to get back to the good times wasnt working, and I realized I just had to surrender to the reality that it would always be bad, and did I really want a life resigned to it always being bad?

THATS when leaving and staying away became easy (easier), that doesnt mean there wasnt pain, grief, anger, resentment, hatred and blame (I know blame gets a bad rap on this forum, but really, some people have a pattern of thinking and behaving which creates a lot of mayhem and upheaval and pain for themselves and others, and they deserve most of the blame)

I have spent a lot of energy and time working hard not to feel what I feel, but I learned things like recovery has its own timetable, and trying to deny feelings or force recovery to go a certain way, bogs everything down...that change, not just immediate short lived shallow change, but REAL deep change and growth and personal development happens slowly, until the entire organism is ready, prepared, and wanting of change...and not just an an intellectual "want", but throughout the heart and spirit too.

if a heart still needs to kick stuff around, and shed some tears, creating time and space to do that helps get it over with more quickly.

That's MY experience, and what I learned in therapy. Life isn't perfect, (is it ever?) but I look back and have a lot of compassion for the person who was me, and what she has experienced getting to this point, and it makes me appreciate all the more what everyone else goes through to make their way too.

great wishes of support and luck to you

@JoyRide...Always writing the good stuff. Thanks for all that you said.

I dont think being happy is unrealistic. I think that most of us are asleep and dont see reality, and thats why were not happy.
People dont want to be cured. They want relief; a cure is painful. Most of what we feel and think we conjure up for ourselves in our heads. We have so many attachments that we cannot imagine being happy without certain conditions. Its only when we get sick of our sickness that well get out of it.
I think what you say about surrendering is right on. Instead of fighting feelings, we need to observe them. Not do anything, not try to change, not try to understand, just observe. Then maybe understanding will happen. Sadness, depression, anger, they will always be there. But if you understand, if you are aware, you wont be affected by them in the same way. Thanks to both of you for your words!

Joy.

I struggled for a few minutes trying to say what I thought, then I scrolled down to find you had ALREADY stated pretty much what I wanted to say.

So thanks for that. Now I can go back to my lunch.

renounce /rnans/ Show Spelled
[ri-nouns] Show IPA
verb, -nounced, -nouncing, noun
verb (used with object)
1. to give up or put aside voluntarily: to renounce worldly pleasures.
2. to give up by formal declaration: to renounce a claim.
3. to repudiate; disown: to renounce one's son.

Not sure I get this one? I agree with all that joy wrote in her post. But I'm not following how it has anything to do with renouncing something? Or how renouncing gives someone else power? I felt incredibly empowered by the process of renouncing my ex. It wasn't something I had to fight or resist. But I guess I never tried to leave until I had reached the point where I knew that the situation was broken beyond hope of repair and I needed to get out in order to have a chance at a healthy, happy life.

Always a pleasure to read you JoyRide! And eye opening- most of the time;). I've just started to appreciate myself from the past, how well this poor soul has coped. And I'm not sticking to the plan of being brave anymore- if I want a cry, I'll just have it. Feels like a heavy weight is being lifted...My magic plan that by Christmas I won't be sad anymore, by spring I should have somebody to date, by summer....didn't work out, and that's fine. I'll take all the time I need now!

Rue, I think by renounce I meant give up voluntarily. In my situation, I was renouncing having him in my life. I was trying to avoid going back, calling him, etc. Because I felt that doing so would make me unhappy. Therefore I gave him the power to make me happy or unhappy. I tried leaving and letting go so many times, and telling myself that I needed to let him go is what made me powerless. All I needed to do was understand. Like I said in my previous reply, sometimes, its only when we get sick of our sickness that well get out of it. Perhaps that was your case. It wasn't mine.

Dren, I admire very much that you've been able to gain so much from past relationships and see their true purpose.
I'm curious about those that you mentioned you renounced. How did you renounce them? How did that help you gain power?

This whole thread is a good read and definitely ties into my situation. Just wanted to say thanks to you all.

For me, its the difference between letting go, and pushing something out of your life (head, heart, soul).

I was just talking about this in therapy a couple nights ago (for something unrelated to my breakup). We both agreed that so many people want to change something about their lives, even those who are happily married (spending habits, lose weight, give up an addiction, change careers). Most of us try and push ourselves out of one thing and into another, usually fueled by "shoulds", these ideals or high expectations we have for ourselves, and while most people can achieve those girls over the short term, real lasting change in those areas sticks when people WANT, MORE than they feel the SHOULD (if that makes any sense).

And I guess that's what I was trying to say, which fits into the topic, that if you can surrender the SHOULD, long enough until the whole, full WANT shows up, those changes in feeling or thought or habit come much more easily, feel much more natural and right, and last much much longer.

meaty topic :)

typo-hell

girls=goals

Joy, yes, that makes sense. Depends on one's perspective too. I definitely felt like I was letting go. Letting go of a fruitless quest to "make things better" once I finally realized and acknowledged that it wasn't possible to "fix" things. But once that happened, it was like escaping to freedom, not like pushing something out. We might all be talking about the same thing, but from different angles.

Enjoyed this one. Thanks

I'm veering off-topic, but what JoyRide said struck me:
"maybe it's suffering, maybe it's just part of being human, that being happy and fulfilled and free from pain isn't realistic and not what we're here for "
Maybe I'm a downer, but I think that if my whole life was completely happy, then would I really *be* happy? It would all be the same. I'm not saying that I want to be this freaking heartbroken and devastated, but if I wasn't sometimes sad, I wouldn't be able to be truly happy.
Am I a freak?