Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi there,
I've decided to reach out as going through a separation as of 1 week ago and feeling absolutely broken emotionally.
We were together for 13 years, married for 10 and have a 12 year old daughter. The marriage has been really hard the past 3 years. A combination of my work stress, his own mental health issues and a toxic dynamic between us. We seemed to lurch from crisis to crisis with each other where we would just not be there for each other, althuogh I do feel I was there for him, when I was vulnerable or going through a difficult time, I experienced him as completely unsupportive, critical and on a few occasions, quite emotionally cruel and controlling.
We moved house last year in an attempt to improve things but this did not work. We stared couples therapy 3 months ago but have come to the decision to end our relationship and marriage. Even though I have felt so repetatively hurt emotionally in the relationship, and I was the one to name the decision and put a stop tp us hurting each other, I have felt like my world has caved in - I go from extremes of anger and sadnesss, to hopelessness and depression. It's felt impossible to function as I've needed to, I've struggled to sleep and have taken a couple of weeks off work to recover. I'm a mental health professional so need to be ok to do my job.
I don't understand why if I know logically that separating and divorcing is the right things to do, that I'm feeling this traumatised emotionally. I know I have to go through this pain to break the attachment but it's so hard. As soon as I start to feel some inner strength for a short time, my mind then bombards me with memories about the good times and thoughts that we will not have the future together I once believed possible. I know we have grown apart. separate bedrooms for the last year, no sexual physical intimacy for years now. So much pain and torment. I feel pathetic for feeling like this and am trying to look after myself and for my daughters sake.
The worst of it is that he seemed relieved to be out of the relationship. I know he is human and feels pain also, but we have no choice but to live together at the moment due to finance. We can't see a way to separate physically and financially while out daughter is at a fee-paying school. She is happy there and has formed good friendships and has had so much change recently re pandemic and moving house etc that i don't want to dismantle that for her. I just don't know how I can live under the same roof with my husband for that long, see him daily and manage to break the bond and attachment and move on with my life. We don't have family where we live apart from his father and he can stay there 2 nights per week but that's all.
I can't stop crying at the moment. I know it's early days but I always held onto hope we could sort things out and be happy together again. I need to find a way to let go of that now. Any tips on how I get through this?
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
It's only been a week of official separation. And, you are still living under the same roof. So of course this is going to be hard on you. It's all so new (even if there were problems for years... this is now officially "separated"), so there are brand new feelings of grief, loss, sadness, despair..... it's all normal. You are grieving. Grieving what you had and what could have been. Fearful of the future, the unknown. In other words, your feelings are so completely normal and justified. You will not feel this bad forever.
I know you said you are a mental health professional, but you getting your own individual therapist would be really helpful right now.
I am assuming your daughter knows? I would suggest you or him start making plans for one of you to move out. It is literally torture to be separated but still living together. How can you move on, when he is right there. So even though it might be challenging financially, you two need to decide which one of you should be moving out, and when exactly this will happen (soon, hopefully), so that you two can start to live your own, separate lives.
I'm sorry things didn't work out. You did nothing wrong. Don't think for one second that he is okay with all of this and not feeling anything sad. Men just don't show their feelings like women do.
Get your own therapist. Concentrate on what your next goals and dreams are in your new life. Take care of your daughter but also take good care of YOU.
Writing in a journal helps a lot. Write write write. Anything and everything. No one has to see it, and you don't have to go back and read it if you don't want to. It helps to get the feelings and thoughts out of our heads and on to paper.
Talk to your girl friends, family, colleagues.... You don't want to be isolated at a time like this. You need support, and people you can talk to, vent to, go out to lunch or coffee with. Get out of the house as much as possible (especially with him living there!)
You're going to be okay.
Doing more than this feels too much at the moment. I do have a therapist that I speak to every 2 weeks so I do have some support I can depend on.
The thought of having to sell the house and split everything fills me with dread and I get so overwhelmed at the moment faced with that.
I don't even know who I am anymore without the marriage.
Just my opinion, but hopefully you and your daughter can stay in the house. That will give her some continuity. If your husband is already staying at his father's house a couple nights a week, maybe there is a way that he can stay there longer? Starting him there a whole week, then back to your house for a week, then he stays with his Dad two weeks, etc. I know it is inconvenient for everyone, but I am hoping he will agree that for your daughter's sake, that you and her stay in the house. Is just my thought on it.
Does your therapist know the latest? Maybe you can speak to her weekly, for awhile?
You will get through this. Take it slow and easy. One foot in front of the other. You're going to be okay! Hugs!
Also, I have found that doing stuff that is just for me, makes me feel better. Like changing the curtain to the one I love. Or getting new little things for the house that feel distinctly like me and my decisions. I love rhythm and blues so I’m getting a poster of Nina Simone because it’s what I like. And I don’t have to worry about what he likes anymore or how to placate him anymore or how to babysit. I was always babysitting. On one hand I’m really sorry this is happening to you on the other hand maybe this is for the greater good and maybe this is a path to freedom
Is it bad that I find myself obsessing about whether he feels any pain or regret? That's all I can think about, my mind goes on overdrive thinking that he is just ok with all this and probably relieved I'm out of his life. He does not process or show emotions like I do so I'm left feeling that he does not feel this loss. I have no idea why I'm so stuck on this, maybe it's all part of my own insecurity about being unloved and not important to him, which is how I felt a lot during the last 2 years of our relationship. I felt like the lowest priority to him during that time, like he would avoid time together. I know this was mostly because he was scared of getting into an argument but how could we have got on so well in the past and it seemed to me like a switch changed 2 years ago and he just stopped putting in any effort. Each time we spent time together we would end up in conflict. Somehow knowing this does not make the pain any less. I'm doing what I can to look after myself but the pain is still there constantly. It's only been 2.5 weeks since we decided to separate but I thought I'd at least feel a bit stronger by mow.