Unless you are pretty much an outcast from your family.......the family to me is going to be biased because of the relation. To answer your question....I don't think it is a good idea because it will only alienate you even more to the point that both of you are just resentful towards each other. He focus has to be each other and the MIL needs to buut out of the equation and however hard it is to look over the pettiness...start ignoring it because its making you sick. I would just take time away from the situation and evaluate the relationship with your husband and focus solely on this if you are trying to make it work. Sorry if I'm not much help.

DO NOT DIVORCE..........after reading your post.....I must say this is at the top of the list of "Not a Reason to Divorce". I do see you and your husband are having marrital difficulties, but this is not a reason to saw off your arm.....If you had a medical problem, you would do anything to find the cure and not give up. Please Do Not Give Up on your marriage as you and your husband made a committment and became "ONE". I just spoke to a lady in my Divorce Care class, as she was the one that initiated and is now divorced 2 years later. She said that she wished every woman would talk to at least one woman that initiated a divorce and later regretted it. This woman is under tremendous pain as she deeply regrets divorcing her husband. At the time, it looked like the best option, but learned through the past few years that so many things could have been done. I suggest you find a woman that has initiated a divorce and later regretted it. I wanted to leave my wife many times during our 7 year marriage "as we were just never on the same page" I kept my committment and never left her....unfortunately..she gave up and left me this past April. I know that I will live with myself the rest of my life without that feeling of "regret" and she will "one day" have that tremendous pain to live with. I hear "through the grapevine" that she is heading down that path to that day. So if your husband wants to divorce, let him file and leave.....give him the pain years down the road....don't DO IT!!!!

May God Bless you and your marriage and allow him to guide you.

Thanks.

Charlie - sorry I wasn't clear. I didn't mean to ask if it was appropraite for me to turn to my own family.... I guess I was asking, do you think it's appropriate for him to turn to his family? I have a much greater support network, I'm seeing my own counselor and going to a support group for separated/divorced. He has none of that so he's turning to the people who have "always been there for him." mommy and daddy, sisters and aunts and anyone in his family who will listen. He has few friends, but obviosuly they would be biased too.

Thanks mgilles- there's a lot more backstory than even just the one post though. His mom has some deep mental health issues. I'm concerned about how this will pan out over the long term since he seems to have proven that his mom comes before me in all things. He is refusing professional help and he's refusing to see my perspective. I feel the only way I could save my marriage at this point is to "put up and shut up" which really doesn't feel like a healthy option. In other words, unless I say, oh yes you've been right this whole entire time, there will be no movement forward. Now, I know it takes two but... I can't even begin to tell you how it feels to be constantly disrespected by husband and mommy and told that i have to sit back and essentially take the abuse because my perception is wrong.

and trust me, i feel like the only significant problem in our marriage is his mom. i would love to stay married to him but i have huge issues with people trying to control me.

I read a lot of posts from people considering Divorce. Well let me tell you............you don't want to be in my boat....people that are or soon to be going through a divorce. I would love to be back in my old place, which is your place. I also thought there was no way to save this marriage or let alone did I want to. I finally stood up and said "No" I will never Divorce my wife as we are "one". You have got to fight for this marriage, yes, it looks bleak and terrible.........but you have to fight for the cure. I don't know the cure to your marriage and I know you don't either......but there is a cure out there to make both of you happy again, and it has not been found yet. The option you stated "just shutting up and accepting it" is not the cure. Please, don't do it. I would give anything to go back in time and attempt to fix some things that I am responsible for. yes, she left , and yes, she filed.....but I know I could have done things different to steer her away from this consideration. I suggest you find the class called "Choosing Wisely" or "Divorce Care" You need to attend and don't skip a week. It might keep you from making the biggest mistake of your life. I know my wife would not be where she is today if she had the correct advice. Good Luck.

Only you know whether you can continue to live this sham of a marriage. He's married to his mother before you. There are 3 of you in this marriage where there should be 2. The counselors were right that he needs to make his relationship with you his priority and talk to you about issues, not his mother. I can understand speaking with family when struggling with something. I've done the same thing myself. They are my support. But if you 2 are trying to work things out, then the conversation needs to be between you 2 and not involve any outside family members. I can't imagine what else mgilles expects you to do to save your marriage. You are miserable, and your husband won't continue counseling with you. You should still go on your own. That may help. But until your husband decides that his marriage is more important than his relationship with his mother, I fear you are doomed to fail at keeping this marriage together. It takes 2. And I have to say that I know a lot of divorced women, and I don't know of any that would rather go back and put up with the crap they lived with rather than being divorced. I'm sure there are some, but I would say they are not even close to a majority. I'm not saying divorce is a picnic, but it's not the end of the world. You can only do so much on your own to make your marriage work. It takes 2. Where is husband? Oh yeah, talking to his mommy.

well i must be masochistic reading about these stories of people considering divorce, it is very hurtful and reopens wounds to remember i was once in a position of trying to save my marriage instead of bowing to pressures. i deeply regret having thought there was no way out, it was all a lie. there is always hope and a solution, but the crisis blinds us to that. i really hope you don't rush to divorce but i do totally agree with you that your mother in law is a toxic element ruining your marriage.

Actually if she loved her son, she would not try to control him by dividing the two of you; she would want the best for him, which means oxygen to grow as an adult man. Seems like your situation has become a wrestling match of who will bow to whom and put their dignity aside. It's very hard to feel disrespected, but i will give you advice as a woman, let God himself prove you're right. Stop arguing or trying to win the battle of who's right. Stop debating. Swallow your passion and pride, go back home, be gentle and peaceful. Do your part a s a loving humble wife and then WATCH GOD BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR MOTHER IN LAW BY EXPOSING HER TOXIC INFLUENCE AND MAKING HER LOSE HER GRIP ON YOUR HUSBAND. if you will trust God to fight for you, he will cause your husband to turn against her manipulations. But only if you stop arguing and trying to prove yourself.

since you have moved out and filed for divorce, any dumped spouse in those circumstances would feel free to discuss things with their family. he has all of the power now that you have left the marital home.

you forfeited your wife power when you left and filed for divorce.

First of all, if your MIL is inserting herself into your marriage then she is overstepping her boundaries and your husband should be the one to put her in her place. Secondly, if your husband is divulging private information about your marital difficulties to his mother, then he is not showing proper respect or deference to you or your marriage. If by chance you two do get back together and manage to work things out, there will always be an awkwardness between you and your MIL. Believe me, I went through the same thing with my first husband and I know how disrespectful it feels not having your husband support you but instead side with his mother.

Cheryt - I have no idea what your belief system is and that is not the point here.....but you state I can't imagine what else mgilles expects you to do to save your marriage.......How about Pray and allow Jesus Christ to work in this situation. I think he can help fix this marriage as in one breath he created the Heavens and the Earth. Sorry, just very offended with your lack of faith and to pass on that lack of faith.

lonelyineurope - Amen and God Bless you.

I'm sorry you were offended. However, this is not a religious site, so praying and letting God take over is not for everyone. And I have known people who have stayed in miserable marriages that went to church every Sunday and asked for God's help, and it never got any better for them. The Lord helps those that help themselves. We cannot be passive bystanders in our own lives. At some point we have to value our own sanity enough to say we want a better life, and then go about getting what we want. How many people stay in abusive marriages only to eventually be murdered because they stayed and prayed. Prayer can do wonderful things, but sometimes life requires action.

cheryt - We are here to help strongonmyown....not bicker between our beliefs. I don't recall reading anything that brought attention to me that her husband could end up killing her. Her husband is a "Mommy's boy" and is very confused about how to treat his wife. He is not handling this situation very well. I am only going off the information given. Again, her hurt is real......The point I made is.......These are not grounds for a Divorce. However, the divorce might scare the crap out of him and wake him up. I just don't want her to have the regret. You are right, God doesn't intervene all the time.....but what if he was waiting to in this marriage???

No....go to your family for financial support, moral support. DO NOT share your marital problems with family. Isn't that what got you into this? Family has NO business in your marriage. My mother-in-law helped destroy my marriage. If he can't cut the apron strings and be a husband, do you really want to be with him?

oh my, I read your last couple threads (posted in this and past thread), and unless your ex changes his ways, backs you up, honestly I don't think your marriage is going to work, and I don't say that lightly... I'm sure you're aware of this, but if you had kids together this would only get worse right?

My ex-MIL is a lot like your MIL, only thankfully my ex backed me up all the way (until after the divorce which is a whole other post LOL). The reason for our split up had nothing to do with his mother.

Me and ex-MIL used to get along great, when ex and I were dating she'd treat me like a daughter (she never had one). But after we got married, she'd lay on a lot of the guilt trips: How we didn't visit enough (which was once a month, we lived we lived 2 hrs away), and whenever we'd visit my parents/ family during holidays instead or her (ex and I would alternate whose family to visit, can't be at two places at once),

She'd also play favorites. Ex's brother was her favorite, and my son was her favorite over our other two daughter (yup, she actually stated that out loud over Easter dinner! my jaw dropped when she said that, thankfully ex put her in her place quick).

When our oldest was born, she frequently drop by unannounced (at that time she lived 2 hrs away, why not a phone call), and then expect me to drop everything to entertain. Often these visits were all day. Not a huge deal, but it messed up my son's sleep and feeding/ nursing schedule (resulting in him being crabby,When he'd get crabby, she'd complain I'm not doing things right, not feeding him enough, or he's sick. Breastfeeding was icky to her, she'd frequently try to shove a bottle of formula in his mouth, When he was old enough to eat solids, she feed him candy (including gum-choking hazzard). But again, thankfully my ex was supportive of me. Had he not, I would have gone CRAZY. When my other two were born, I learned better to stand up to her. But I don't think I could have done it without my exes support.

No you are not crazy.

Yup I am very close to my parents (my mom is my best friend, and for what it's worth, I did go to her for advise about marital issues, but she never butted in, or blabbed it to the whole world like you ILs).

Best wishes to you. Honestly, I don't think you guys are going to work out (unless your ex does a 180), and that it's best you get out before you have kids (because it will get much worse, again the playing favorites, among kids, who is favorite grandma, ick).

Let me say that you can stand on your head and spit nickels, but it won't change this marriage. You must realize that you can only change you--you can't change your husband.

He is not interested in counseling, he isn't interested in trying the advice of the counselor, and the only advice he wants to hear is the bad advice of Mommy. You will have a miserable life ahead of you with a husband who is unwilling to bend and be flexible and won't go to counseling and try what the counselor suggests. And add to that that Mommy rules his life. Are these grounds for divorce--a divorce court will agree they are and that's what counts.

This is a huge deal in your life and in your future. It was bad enough that you are separated from him. He has done NOTHING to show you that he is interested in changing things, except that he wants you back home--where it will be back again like it was.

I would suggest you give him back to his Mommy now and plan your future and a better life without him. There are good men out there.

Life can be short or long and we have to make the best of it. We don't have to be in a marriage where we are unhappy and the other spouse refuses to work on it. Take care and many hugs.