Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
most relevant background: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/16873260-betrayed-him-again
I'm separated, and starting the divorce process. Husband and I unofficially separated in April because of major fighting we were going through. He was staunchly defending his mom against some comments she had made (after he had confronted her, he flipped and turned against me). Husband went out and bought three different books on MIL/DIL relationships and told me that it was just a family dynamic I didn't understand. He said his mom was also reading these books to get greater insight.
The reality is, she had just said some things to offend me and I needed an apology.
Well, MIL and husband initiated some crazy passive aggressive stuff to "prove a point." Ew.
Now, what was meant for me to be a short stay with family (i'm not gainfully employed as i went back to grad school FT, will be done with my program this dec.) has turned into over three months of us not living together. We tried counseling with two different therapists, but only got through about three sessions with each. The last counselor told him he needed to support me and make me his primary relationship, even if he felt his mom was right and I was wrong. Meanwhile, the counselor told hubby to not pressure me into moving back as that would create resentment.
Hubby quit counseling because he didn't like what he was hearing. He kept telling me that the only way our marriage would work would be if I moved back in and we worked on our issues. Alone.
That never made sense to me. I know what I need for this marriage to work and it wasn't living in a hostile environment with him. I needed some physical and to not have to look at those @#$%^^ books every day!!!
Well, come to find out yesterday that his mom was the one who told him that our marriage would fail unless I moved back. I was blown away. First that she would insert her opinion and second that he would go with what his mom says over what our own counselor said (and if you're wondering, no she is not a counselor. She's a retired RN.) To make no mention of the fact that um, what does he think would have been best right? Seems like mommy fed him a script.
Now my question to all of you... during an informal separation, is it appropriate to turn to your parents for support? To talk to them about your separation and all of the issues involved? If it is, then to what extent? Where do you feel it crosses the line?
I'm separated, and starting the divorce process. Husband and I unofficially separated in April because of major fighting we were going through. He was staunchly defending his mom against some comments she had made (after he had confronted her, he flipped and turned against me). Husband went out and bought three different books on MIL/DIL relationships and told me that it was just a family dynamic I didn't understand. He said his mom was also reading these books to get greater insight.
The reality is, she had just said some things to offend me and I needed an apology.
Well, MIL and husband initiated some crazy passive aggressive stuff to "prove a point." Ew.
Now, what was meant for me to be a short stay with family (i'm not gainfully employed as i went back to grad school FT, will be done with my program this dec.) has turned into over three months of us not living together. We tried counseling with two different therapists, but only got through about three sessions with each. The last counselor told him he needed to support me and make me his primary relationship, even if he felt his mom was right and I was wrong. Meanwhile, the counselor told hubby to not pressure me into moving back as that would create resentment.
Hubby quit counseling because he didn't like what he was hearing. He kept telling me that the only way our marriage would work would be if I moved back in and we worked on our issues. Alone.
That never made sense to me. I know what I need for this marriage to work and it wasn't living in a hostile environment with him. I needed some physical and to not have to look at those @#$%^^ books every day!!!
Well, come to find out yesterday that his mom was the one who told him that our marriage would fail unless I moved back. I was blown away. First that she would insert her opinion and second that he would go with what his mom says over what our own counselor said (and if you're wondering, no she is not a counselor. She's a retired RN.) To make no mention of the fact that um, what does he think would have been best right? Seems like mommy fed him a script.
Now my question to all of you... during an informal separation, is it appropriate to turn to your parents for support? To talk to them about your separation and all of the issues involved? If it is, then to what extent? Where do you feel it crosses the line?
to mgillies and cherylt- so.... i will say this. i am a deeply spiritual person. i even considered becoming a lutheran minister during my college years. i do have a very strong faith and I do believe God can intervene and work miracles in our lives and in our marriages. however, i do feel that God has already set out what he intends for us in marriage - to "leave and cleave." my husband has very clearly not been able to "leave and cleave" thus far and through my own prayers and finding out that he was actually trying to get me back based on what his MOM said... well that to me was the epitome of not "leaving and cleaving." i guess i had posted on this board because i was feeling a little mixed up as to when it was appropriate for parents to support vs. when not.... just looking for ideas. sorry didn't mean to start any spiritual wars!!!
i think to cheryt's points.... you can't stay in a marriage where you're number 2. i don't think cheryt was insinutating i was to be murdered at some point, but she was just underscoring how many people stay in relationships and hope they can "pray their way" out of harm. let me be very clear... God values the sanctity of marriage, though I doubt He values someone being verbally or physically abused, which I think was Cheryt's point.
i get that when you get married you commit to someone in the eyes of God... but if that person totally changes and becomes verbally abusive towards you and puts his mom first (in direct contradiction to Scripture) then i highly doubt God expects you to stick around. and maybe God can change my husband. I've prayed for that but... nothing yet... and it's been months. we're human. we make mistakes. God lets us do that from time to time to underscore our own humanity and help us realize that maybe we need to make better choices?
I honestly don't know... all I was asking is whether or not people thought it was appropriate to consult your parents when going through a separation/!
support is one thing... and i'll say that when i moved back home my parents were neither here nor there with the whole issue. they literally told me well you have to do what's best for you and we can't tell you what that is.... his mom on the other hand.... fyi he is still living in our marital home, which he had bought on his own... so... anyway yeah.
he doesn't seem to have any opinions. it's whatever i say or his mom says. but.... yeah....99% what his mom says.
So, basically I think it depends on the situation and parent, and in your case, I think your ex is out of line. He should be going to you about you/ his problems, not mommy/ daddy. Yes you ILs are a big issue, their behavior is inappropriate, but I place the blame more so on your ex, for not standing up for you. These issues can be worked through, but not without your husbands support. I don't believe he is going to change.
It totally depends on the people.
My boys and I are very close and they come to me with everything. If they were having a problem they would come to me because they would know I was trying to help BOTH of them, not automatically taking sides. The very first thing I would say is go tale to the other person and try and work things out together---NO FACEBOOK!!!!
As I said on your other thread, this is just to much and I am sure you will find a guy that will want to be married to you rather than his Mom.
Sorry this worked out this way. Sometimes you just have to say enough and save yourself before you totally sink in the quicksand.
Take good care of yourself and congratulations on your degree!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))
Some families are so good at not "telling" their adult kids what to do, but giving them wisdom to help them make smart decisions. I like those type of parents and they're the type of parents that raise kids to be independent, fully functioning adults that manage through any crisis and they remain stable. Your husband and his family do not fall into this category and they are HIGHLY DYSFUNCTIONAL. By the way, I preduct that your husband is going to lose it big time when Mommy finally passes away and you don't want to be married to him when that happens.
I agree with you that it wasn't appropriate for your husband to go to his Mom for advice when his Mom dominates him and your marriage, that's just not appropriate at all.
I also agree with you that it wasn't even appropriate for him to follow his Mom's advice. It shows he doesn't really think for himself and just obeys Mommy. That's not okay either and this man-child definitely has huge problem-solving deficiencies.
That he has NO OPINIONS really is a red flag that he doesn't care and that Mommy runs everything, decides everything, and handles it all so he doesn't have to care or have opinions. That's really bad.
None of this makes for a workable relationship. He is very immature and his decision-making processes are skewed. You deserve a good and happy life and a mate that will work equally with you on that life. This guy isn't that mate. This won't get better, and it will get worse as his Mom ages and he is drawn even more into her ailments and her neediness of him. Get out soon. Take care and many hugs.
no but on a serious note... i had called him out on the whole "my mom told me that the only way this marriage would work is if you moved back in." i asked him "well what do you think?" and yeah, he couldn't give me a straight answer but did manage to say "no one tells me what to do."
i feel like she has brainwashed him.
i guess i am still in these early stages of divorce thinking and wondering how else this could have been saved. last ditch kind of stuff. some days i have a difficult time moving on to the acceptance piece.
He hasn't changed and he's just lying to you hoping you'll believe it.
The only way things would have been different is if you married someone else. sorry.