I was in that situation for 13 years! I recently filed for divorce. I think the only way to stay sane through it all is NC! I've tried to keep things nice but even the littlest thing turns into a mess and he flips it around on me. Nothing is his fault. He takes no responsibility for his actions. I kept waiting for him to grow up and realize that the world did not revolve around him. He's 8 years older than I. It never happened. It's sad when you lose hope but it's better to live in reality then to dream of better while living a nightmare.

Thank you. That is so true..it always gets turned around as if its my fault. Its never his. NC has got to be the best way but that takes such strength on my part. I hope I have the strength.

The book "WOmen Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra Brown, does an excellent job of describing personality traits she discovered through testing partners of those abusive people (with NPD and ASPD) and why they are not only attractive to the abusers, but also why they keep us around for so long once the abuse starts.

I highly recommend it.

You LEAVE. Because you cannot fix them or make them trat you the way you deserve to be treated.

I can't say it enough times. Leave. Walk away. Don't try to fix them. Don't try to change yourself in hopes that you can get them to see that you're worthy, right, good, lovable, don't deserve the abuse, etc. It's all crazy-making. And it won't end until the abuser is out of your life completely.

Your comments are absolutely helpful - when the abuser is your partner and/or spouse.

the option to leave is one.

But here is the scenario: the abuser in my case, is my child. She is 21. She is the cause of the soon to be divorce, because we cannot see eye to eye and my child is extremely intelligent, manipulative and aggressive - out of other's eyes.

How do you divorce your child, who had just given birth to another child? How do you turn your back on a baby whose mother is like this? I can't walk away... this is too hard and I don't think there are enough books that will give you the green light to walk away knowing that there is such complexity in the matter.

CMondo....I can totally relate. Unfortunately my child was destroying me ( physically, mentally, and financially). I tried for 23 years to get my daughter help and kept moving the line. Unfortunately a year ago, I set the firm line and will not move. It hurt like hell, but I had to let her go and she refuses to speak with me even though I left the ball in her court, but she also won't allow me to see her kids ( my granddaughters). These grandchildren have been ripped from my life and I miss them terribly, but there is little I can do about it right now but wait it out. I pray it changes with time becuz my heart is broken. I can not change my daughter or her decision to punish me by ripping my grandkids from my life, but I refuse to keep letting her abuse me and ultimately destroy me. It was a very tough decision, but it had to be done. Hang in there and know I truly understand.

Please consider these sites. YOu have identified some signs of an abusive relationship or at least an unhealthy pattern of communication and emotional expression. It is important to consider your physical and emotion safety.

Here are two site which you may find helpful.

http://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/healthyrelationships.html

http://www.nnedv.org/resources/stats.html

CMondo, I have lived through almost the same kind of thing except I was already divorced. It is so difficult to have a child who is this way and has a child themselves. Of course as grandparents we want to be there for the child but we can not and I repeat, can not allow them to manipulate us and control our lives. We must stand up for ourselves and when she realizes that she can't control you, she will come around.. Unfortunately, it took until my daughter was around 25 for her to realize just how important I was in hers and her childs life. I wish you much luck and please, do not let her take away your power. Much love to you.

CMONDO After reading your post, I see a classic example of cycle of abuse. It's a circle that needs to be broken. He needs to accept the responsibility of his actions. Has your abuser been abused as a child. Until he is willing to face his issues head on, he will continue to be in the circle. You know what he is about, he has to accept the resposibility of his actions.

I lived with the same thing for 15 years until it started to have such a negative impact on my older daughter and she then started to become his victim is when I had to ask him to leave. It's a sickness and they truly don't believe they're wrong.

You cannot reason with an unreasonable person. If you do try to talk or speak and explain it just escalates out of control.

He still thinks it was all me and I was the cause of everything. Also, my older daughter doesn't speak to him at all. We are all in counseling trying to heal from this rollercoaster of a ride.

I was too stupid or afraid to leave earlier and I really should have. I also feel horrible that I brought children into the world in a relationship like this.

Well we all learn through our experiences.

I learned that he will never see anything but from his own point of view, and everybody owes him. He points out everything he does for you (even the slightest things), but won't acknowledge anything you do for them. I kicked him out and he became even more verbally abusive. Two months after I broke our engagement he found another victim - a woman with a house and a good job, another meal ticket. All the while he was with me everything was always turned back on me. He never did anything wrong. I wish I had kicked him out sooner because he has done some emotional damage that will take time to heal. There's just no way to keep your sanity AND try to make the abuser understand and take responsibility for their actions. They never will. You have to let go of that idea and concentrate on yourself. Protect yourself. Now if I can just listen to my own advise.

The denial of wrong doing by the abuser is the cover for what is yet to come. Regardless to the fact that a confrontation is expected, the abuser surrounds the pray with kindness, love, smiles, tenderness until they are ready to bite.

Usually it is after something wonderful done for them that they screw up and attack.

Like a ring, the cycle never ends until something is broken and painfully damaged. I am not sure what causes this behavior but I am certain that no matter what comes next, the attack is a bite waiting to happen.

I am very sorry you're going through this :(

Sounds like my ex too! He left me because he said I was abusing him. He had been laying down the groundwork for a couple of years, being sickly sweet to me in public but horrible in private. All the time he was doing this to me, he was telling others, including our grown children, how abusive I was. Now, after emotionally abusing me for years, he left me, and made me out to be the bad guy. Our friends, however, saw through his behaviour. Several have even told me they knew a year ago that I was being abused. I just wish they had spoken up sooner, but now I'm so very happy and relieved that he is gone. In my case, the abuse began slowly and just eroded my self-esteem over time. I would advise anyone who is feeling abused to get away, before things escalate. Regular counselling and a support group have helped me to begin to regain my self-esteem. I used to be exhausted all of the time but it was the stress of the relationship that was wearing me down. I was completely devastated when he left a year ago, but today I can see that he did me a great favour. Wish I had left years ago, as this situation has negatively affected our youngest child, who was still at home and witnessed the abuse. Now that I am in an apartment of my own, I finally feel safe. There were times when I felt lonely, but recently got myself a pet and this has really helped.

I was verbally and emotionally abused for 28 years. I divorced him, have no contact, and LOVE my peaceful life. I would never go back to that.