Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Looking around, reading several posts, books and living the experience myself in different circumstances, here is what I notice in common on an abuser:
- talks fast
- doesn't allow the other party to reply to accusations or self defense by talking at the same time.
- flips on every event, making it your fault: if they betrayed your trust, it was your fault, if they lied, it was your fault, if they are angry with you, it was your fault
- they say they love you but their actions show the opposite
- they cry more often then not, asking for forgiveness, only to repeat the same over and over
The list is long. Sometimes I think I am the one going nuts because the abuser is centered with conviction and indeed manipulative.
If you experienced the same or similar, how do you keep sanity and make the abuser understand their actions are not acceptable without ripping the defensive side on them that usually bursts in an attack against you again?
- talks fast
- doesn't allow the other party to reply to accusations or self defense by talking at the same time.
- flips on every event, making it your fault: if they betrayed your trust, it was your fault, if they lied, it was your fault, if they are angry with you, it was your fault
- they say they love you but their actions show the opposite
- they cry more often then not, asking for forgiveness, only to repeat the same over and over
The list is long. Sometimes I think I am the one going nuts because the abuser is centered with conviction and indeed manipulative.
If you experienced the same or similar, how do you keep sanity and make the abuser understand their actions are not acceptable without ripping the defensive side on them that usually bursts in an attack against you again?
1) neutralizing the issue of conflict and walking away
2) walking away
I can't tell you the thousands of times I defended myself against the assumptions, the twisting of the truth, the outright lies, the gaslighting, trying to make myself understood or seen in the face of all that crazy-making.
It was a waste of time.
People who want to abuse you are not interested in the truth, and they are not interested in seeing you or hearing you.
Their only goal is to be one up, by making you lose, hurt, or feel annihilated.
It was a very long and very painful lesson for me to learn.
((many hugs to you))
The thing is, you don't make them understand. It is their nature. It is what they are. Either you live with it or you live without it (as in get out of Dodge!!) Mine is a sociopath. Completely incurable. He will promise to change and then do the exact same thing the next day.
My sister told me something that finally gave me the strength to start taking the steps to leave: "You know he won't change. He's proved it thousands to times. What you do about it is up to you. Can you live like this for another year? 5 years? 10 years? If not, get the hell out now."
My sister is ten years younger than me and apparently a lot wiser.
@ greenbutterfly81 - I am very sorry your husband treats you as such and an abusive relationship can lead to severe consequences to you and those around you who are dear to you. Your sister is wise not because of her age but because she is out of the situation you are living right now. It gives her clarity. Indeed an abuser never changes - the sentence "what is in it for me" is a constant and their moves are always temporary. It doesn't really matter how smart and intelligent we are. Once you fall in the trap of an abuser with their soft words, flowers, false promises, eye to eye lies, it is very hard to get away but possible.
Like you said, they make it your fault. You are the one causing the problem. You...you...you!
They will never get it....never, ever, ever.
It sucks!
I got sick and tired of being sick and tired of the same old thing....and the pain got worse than the fear, I walked away.
I have been gone over 6 years and divorced 9 months and he still doesn't have a clue as to why I left.
You don't make it better. You can't make them see the "error of their ways". Only they can do that, and chances are, they never will.
I spent so much time trying to make things so he wouldn't have a blow up, wouldn't accuse me of things I never did, twist the truth, blame me for any slight, real or imagined. And do you know where it got me? Codependent as hell, trying to break free and find myself again at age 37.
Not fun.
I hope that wasn't taken as harsh, it is just my years of dealing with this behavior. I wish you strength, because whether you stay, or whether you go, you will need it.
Peace and hugs to you!
I tried for years to be patient with my STBX, and understand him. I got that he was abused as a child, and his mom, to the day she died, never gave him the approval he was seeking.
I deflected much of his moods, and forgave him. I can take a lot, but it seemed like it was getting scary worse.
The only way that I could keep my sanity was to know that I wasn't the cause of his insanity. I finally accepted in my heart, that he was not going to change. I don't think he ever can.
Cmondo, the only way I could show him his actions were unacceptable was to leave the marriage. I tried to walk away, but he would follow me. I would drive away and he would chase me, trying to run me off the road.
The only way to deal with his rages was to just sit there, and listen. Always keeping in my mind, it was his problem, and it's NOT ME. There was no way to neutralize the conflict. I tried.
Hugs to us all in these bad situations. ((()))
Sitting in church, he would always have his arm around me, or hold my hand.
Anytime we were out, he was a devoted husband.
He talked constantly about how much he loved me, and all the while living in another room.
Everything was about looks.
He abused me, and blamed me for him having to hurt me.
I finally found friends that made me realize I needed to get out.
He still emotionally controls me with our kids, and starting to get tough.
He still thinks he's always right, and I'll beg for him to come back.
Never!
I guess once you can see through the denial and see that the partner is absuing you (by not listeing, blaming, etc etc), then you have two choices;
1. stay and therefore abuse yourself by staying with abuse,or,
2. walk away (or "run for the hills" as a friend recommended to me after 3 years of hearing my frustrations and set backs)
IF you walk away, the partner has a vague and extremely remote chance of having a rock bottom moment and a possible breakthrough, at least when they are left alone they miight look at themselves more honestly since there is no one else nearby to point the finger at (although they still can blame from a distance - unfortunately).
and when they play the wounded victim, beware the "drama triangle" , dont leap in and try to rescue them, or you are just caught up in damaging, unhealhty nehaviours all over again!
hugs to all
Because it is chosen to take care of others, the abuser can "smell" the desire from those who want to protect and were well educated to forgive, as their targets.
I know all too well the pain of having an abuser around, growing up with one (my mother) and running far and away to see in my path several others. Here is the trigger: do we look somehow for them involutarily? How does this connection happens, over and over, taking control of the steps we take?
It really doesn't matter where you came from, the background, and how intelligent and smart we became. There is a weak side in us that opens up for the behavior, there is a sick side that believes they will change, even when we know they will not.
I find the emotional abuse, the fear, the tears, their lost eyes are far more controlling than our own ability to walk away. Simply because at times, it is not only two people involved. The family, the community, the relatives, the pressure.
Where to go, how to support financially, what is best? If they are somehow connected, are we really free of them at all?