Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
House purchase
My wife and I were happily married, and decided to purchase a house near the beach, her dream. The market was very difficult, there were bidding wars, we finally found a house, we signed a contract, there were some tough conditions and she could not decide whether to follow through. We ultimately did not buy the house, she went into a deep depression for the first time, let multiple houses go thereafter, and we've been in rentals and with friends which has been hard. After wife rejected multiple houses over almost a year and a half, her sister said, you need to buy a house, she cannot do another rental, I agreed with the advice, decided to purchase a new one, pushed financially and we're close to moving in.
Continuing depression and severe anxiety
She has seen multiple counselors, is quite depressed, stays in bed, and wants to be driven, and has become self-conscious about her image. She was in bed and asked me to hug her. I came in, she said she messed everything up and has been angry at herself. Her psychologists diagnose her as a perfectionist. I told her I loved her and wasn't mad, we will have a nice new home, in the area we want, we're doing all right and she should be happy and look forward.
She said no, I don't like it and I ruined everything. I said the house is beautiful, in the area you wanted and we will be happy. Oh by the way, her sister, who said I should make a decision, then had questions about the house. While I followed her sister's advice to decide, I did not consult her, because I knew she would be indecisive. Her sister found some minor item regarding the dining room, and has been carping about other things. My wife said well i don't know if will like it.
I basically exploded, why the F, are you saying this, you want me to be stressed, I had told her 18 months ago when this started, if you keep up this stuff you will get yourself sick and if continued, you will get me sick. I was furious, instead of being happy and trying to settle down, no, we have to continue this pattern of horrible stress and anxiety. Her
I forgave my wife said she should be happy with a new home. I previously gave her multiple choices to get another home of her choice. She said recently she was worried about my job because there were some issues, then why would you want to aggravate me, make me upset so work I was going to do Saturday Night doesn't get done. I've been working 65-70 hours per week, spent 25-30 hours dealing with her medical and psychological issues, and she has to ask me to come to bed just to say things she knows will aggravate me. She asked why are you screaming and I say you wanted that, you wanted to figure out what will stress and aggravate me, so you got it, be happy, instead of spending hours helping our financial security, I am stressed and angry, I tried to comfort you and tell you it will be all right and you inform me no matter how hard I work or what we do you will be miserable, so be happy you gave me a lot of stress on Father's Day.
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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Question, was she like this before the house ordeal? Any signs of anything before the house thing?
Also, try to find time just for you. Self care is important for our well being. And our sanity!
Best wishes.
I am also going to suggest to you again that you read the book: "Healing the Stormy Marriage: Hope and Help for YOU When Your Loved one has Mental Health or Addiction Issues" by R. Christian Bohlen. Think about what the author says and make small changes in your own thinking and reactions. You've written about her mental health issues before and I know this is not easy for you to maintain your own kindness and maturity at times. I recommend this book because your reactions and blame of wife is part of the problem.
You call it a happy marriage but this post shows you are not happy. I know you love her deeply because you've stuck around for a long time. The longer your focus is on blaming the wife, the more miserable you will stay. When you can work on healing yourself and developing more compassion and empathy, your world will change.
In this situation, you went around the wife and disrespected her, demeaned her, and discounted her regarding the house purchase. If you had handled this differently, you would have a different outcome now.
You will likely respond to me telling me how you are the victim and long suffering and I am wrong. Maybe I am wrong. There is truth to your suffering, it is not easy to be married to someone you love who suffers with a brain health disorder. Read that book. We can still chose to be happy and to control our own tempers and reactions to make a bad marriage or situation become happier or better. Since you say this is such a happy marriage, then I assume you want to keep it a happy marriage?
It seems she is very mad at herself perhaps because she was happy in retirement though our town was a little rural with limited things to do. With kids, that's fine but later, there's not too much. It's sad that sometimes I feel friends and family do not show the same patience to her that she/we showed to them. Her mother lived with us for 3 years, and I don't think I yelled or felt the need to yell once, and a friend with a severely disabled husband come stay with us for about a month.
Appreciate the help, was just upset last night, we kind of worked things out.
The counselors call her a perfectionist and she just seems angry at herself. The new house is not ready yet, delayed about 2 months and that is upsetting her, and I can understand that and wished she said that. My older son believes this anxiety was present before, but neither my wife nor I saw signs of it. She could drink (self-medicate) before but did not seem depressed in any way, and I make a reasonable but not exceptional salary and she seemed basically satisfied with that.
I don't think that's correct. I allowed her to choose for 12 months. She passed on multiple houses, and my son said she had a sour look on one literally before she even saw the house. On the contract we had, I told her she would make the ultimate call and later she suggested I should have decided for her. After she talked about how unhappy she was in multiple rentals and her sister said you need to make a decision and find a house because she can't, that's what I did.
In terms of self-discipline, I think I'm reasonably good. I had my wife's mother in our home with an aide for 3 years and don't think I lost my temper once, and now I regularly feel angry and occasionally yell, and for every time that happens, I probably restrain myself 20 times. I had a nasty business meeting, said something about someone else, it was about to be acrimonious, and I said to a business associate/friend, you know, this was probably my most relaxing moment of the day.
I'd probably say I was harder to deal with then her.- can be a little sloppy for example.
Because there was such a change in behavior, her sister insisted that my wife had a stroke, provided me with some "important" questions for her doctor about stroke, and became annoyed when I explained we would let the doctor do his examination and ask questions he thought appropriate. A brain MRI later showed no stroke and it seems no abnormalities though there was one area with some possible seemingly age-related changes.
My wife says she is so unhappy because she ruined everything in her words, and says she does not blame me, but cannot stop blaming herself.
1. My wife avoids any discussion about difficult topics with him. So its hard because she is not opening up. He now says he avoids them.
2. He strongly believes she is not taking her medicine. I just learned of a problem, we were staying at my other son's house and he found pills, he was disturbed that the children could get them and also said that showed her noncompliance with medical advice. Note, previously, my wife was scrupulously adherent to doctors and when she had breast cancer, I might say do you need this scan, and she would insist on doing what the doctor ordered.
While he was calm, I could tell he was equally frustrated.
One think I realized is the obvious that while I cannot control what she does, I can control my response. Next day I feel frustrated, I may simply walk away.
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We are all looking for constructive ways of addressing this. Since there is some type of strong antipathy to medication from her and her sister, she splattered her pills throughout the room staying one day at our son's, and does not quickly open during therapy, it is tough to find solutions which is why I'm here. I will keep plugging away., and look to treatment for myself too.