today marks 5 months since my ex bf and I broke up and this morning I took the time to read all of my previous posts and all I can say is WOW...it's been an emotional roller coaster but I am in a much better place. I find myself feeling calm and peace and it's strange bc I've never really felt that. There are times where I feel sad but it's just for several minutes then it passes. I have to say therapy and my consistent attendance to CODA meetings have helped me soooooo much. If I were doing this all by myself I'm certain today's post would've been more along the lines of it's been 5 months since the break up and I'm still depressed. But I'm not. I am doing a lot better and I wish I could explain to each and every one of you how important it is to take care of YOURSELF!!!! 

My my heart shattered when my ex bf told me he no longer loved me. I was devastated. It was the hardest thing I ever had to hear and grieve, especially when I still loved him. But I vowed that I wouldn't beg a person to stay with me when they no longer wanted to be with me. So I accepted it for what it was and started my grieving process. I cried like never before. I was holding on to him for dear life and it was all bad. I broke no contact a few times and then I made the commitment to stop. It was the hardest thing ever. NO CONTACT is EXTREMELY hard in the beginning but it gets easier and it truly is the best method to moving on. I've lost contact of how long I've gone without no contact but it's somewhere along the 3 month mark. It's easier to move on when one can't talk, hear, see, know and look for the other person. You may wonder but that's okay...not knowing is the best way to go. At least it was for me.

Anyway, I went to therapy for child abuse trauma and depression of my break up and through the journey discovered I am codependent. I started attending codependent anonymous meetings and haven't stopped ever since. I am forever grateful for using my resource tools and for staying committed to looking after MY health and well being. I've learned sooo much at my mentings. One thing has been self-love and that comes in many ways possible. One thing I've learned is that if we hope for the best for everyone even if they hurt us or if we don't like the person..that in itself is a form of self-love. We are choosing to hope that person (people) well and in return we choose to not feel rage, resentment, hate, jealousy, etc towards them making us bitter and saving us a lot of negative energy. The thing about negative energy is that it's exhausting, overwhelming, and agonizing. Instead of feeling sad all the time and just miserable I choose ME I choose to take care of my well being. Detaching from people you dislike or even people you love can be really difficult but detaching doesn't mean you all of a sudden "like" them or no longer love them, it means that you acknowledge their existence from a far. They no longer have control over your feelings.  You can still love and care for people but from a far always keeping in mind that you come first that includes your mental and physical health (: there's no need to waste time and energy on wishing bad upon others whom have hurt us. For what? What do we get from that? It just continues to prove that those people still have control over us. While we may still feel all kinds of negative feelings over them causing US our wellbeing, they're probably living life without a care..let's not do that anymore. People are not worth OUR happiness and well being! 

how many of us have felt sadness, resentment, hatred, rage, jealousy, anxiousness for all of our lives or for a large portion of our lives? I know I have, and it sure as hell is not a good feeling. It's extremely draining and just unhealthy. Those emotions take energy away and take years away from us that we will never gain back making us feel hopeless and stuck. For that reason I have chosen to live my life more mindfully and just peacefully.

i hope this all made sense, and for those who do take the time to read know that there is hope. Recovery is possible and it's all up to you to make the decision. It's hard breaking old habits but it's even harder to give in and find yourself in the same mental state Years from now..i hope for those that take the time to read this think about choosing YOU for the first time and choose to look after YOUR wellbeing. You deserve it. I still have a lot to discover and learn. I am still working on becoming a better version of myself but 5 months into my journey and I'm discovering all the rewards and it's been forever valuable. 

In dedication to my ex boyfriend: I wish you health, love and prosperity. I hope for the best and may you live a long fulfilling life.