From what I hear the answer is yes.

i cant get past the second sentence - i am so suprised you spent 2 nights with her under the same roof. where was her significant other? i know you both were probably doing it for the kids, but will the kids get the wrong idea? im not judging you - you know all the ins and outs better than me - it just really caught me off guard.

regardless - in answer to your question, i think that is one of the main things that keeps me from being prepared to date again. i am scared that i am going to be attracted to the same type of person - which really goes back to what i was used to with how i was raised.

even with all the work i have done and being concious of the issues i needed to deal with, i still have that fear.

what it comes down to with me, is something i have been focusing on on here for the past several days - self worth. i think that building my self worth (because i never had that much before, so its not re-building) and learning to love me and trust myself is what it is going to help me determine my decision.

also, because i do value myself more, i am sending out different energy, and therefore a different type of person is responding to me. i carry myself different. my eyes look different - brighter. but i really, really like me - and i have worked really really hard to get here. so i am hoping that since my core has changed, my self esteem/self worth has changed that i will no longer be attracted to the same type of person.

that being said too - matt isnt all bad. he simply has some very deep rooted issues that he is unwilling to face - i understand being scared to face things - ive been scared to face what i have had to face. but to be so terrified of facing those things that you are risking losing your marriage over it? you are risking losing someone who would stand by you thru it all and help shoulder the things that are hard to face? no. i dont need that anymore.

anyway - just my dollars worth - go easy on yourself. and be careful. xoxo

Oh, God, I hope not. Please say it ain't so. I cannot go through that again.

I can't say for sure.

I know I don't have a pattern of choosing guys like my exS.

But I do know I have chemistry and am attracted to guys like my exS.

The only thing I could do for myself was learn over time to gain my own trust in my judgment of people...and (this is the bigger more important deal)

have confidence in myself getting out when I see I have chosen badly...even if I am already in love.

The more confidence, faith and trust in myself to do that, to get myself out of harm's way, is what brings me closer and closer to dating again.

it's courage to take a risk again, and know, even if things go bad, I will be able to save myself before the wreckage hits.

At this point, that's enough...hell, at this point, that's miraculous to me.

((hugs from my heart to yours))

I think it can happen quite often.
I remember a friend of mine who divorced and a couple of years later married a younger guy who she was crazy about and thought was so different, but she said he later matured into a duplicate version of her ex.

Oh god, I think it's true, and that maybe worse is that we help create the same situation. I thought I picked a different man the second time around, but just like the first, 10 years into it, he became abusive too. I'm too nice and kind and basically spoil my guys and what I get are brats who only think about themselves. I am my own worst enemy.

Just like the last relationship, this one is hanging on and crying "I can't live without you". Oh sure, that's because I did everything for him and he made my life miserable. Different guy, same show.I'

I'm an idiot.

I seem to keep getting into relationships with women who are from broken families and have had a failed marriage of their own. They also seem to have been through counseling and take meds. And I am in that boat now myself.

The two relationships I have had since my marriage were different in that they were not cheaters and didn't end because of infidelity, as my marriage and the one serious relationship I had in college ended in.

The personalities of these women were all very different however, as were the ways they communicated with me and the logistics involved in the relationship. One was a LDR, the other one she lived here and we spent a LOT of time together.

Both of these women were less than two years out of a failed marriage. So there are some patterns here.

However, I am realizing one thing...I keep making the same mistakes. And those are things I need to work on. I struggle with trying to control situations I can NOT control, anxiety, reacting out of fear, and worrying about their happiness before my own.

I am starting to see that in this last relationship, I had not taken time to heal from the one before, and that in the one before that, I was not fully healed from my marriage. I should have taken at least a year, IMO, to do things for myself and to heal from everything that marriage took out of me. Time to find myself and to learn what makes me happy. And I think I am seeing now that is what makes me not able to be happy with someone else. I felt I was happier than I had ever been in this last relationship, and I am really struggling, because I felt she and I were a great match. I had never had so much fun with someone no matter what we did. But after five months of really wonderful, stress of the holidays, some miscommunication, my daughter's issues, my anxiety all took over and in ten days, she fell out of love with me.

I really hope I can take this entire year to figure my stuff out and one of these days, I will figure out what makes me happy so that I can someday be happy with someone else.

By the grace of God I hope not!

I just reread my title "Our" .....I think that should be "Are" dumb man.

To Daddyof4Angels both of my relationships, they two had very strained and dysfunctional home life. I know I have, Rescuer Complex, my sister said to me ....."you were always bring animals home when you were a kid"....so true.

That why if I ever dipped my toe back into the water....I will look for a strong independent woman.

@TML - thanks. The last woman I dated was very strong and independent, but she had to go through a river of sh*t to get there. And she once dated a guy with kids whom she basically raised for a couple of years b/c he was a loser. When we started dating, she mentioned she wasn't afraid of dating a man with kids, but I wonder if the strain of me raising four and one of them having her own struggles didn't affect her thoughts.

And the part that bothers me the most is that I really loved that she was such a strong, independent person but ultimately, I turned her off by being passive-aggressive and trying to "control" outcomes I had no control over.

I think that by this time in our lives we have a set of patterns and likes, those don't change so easily. It's easy to fall into old worn grooves, rather than forge ahead making new treads.

When I first started going out and meeting men, I met a guy that I was strongly attracted to, much more so than many of the other guys I had met. I felt that he and I got on well and I really wanted to date him. Then after some more conversations over time, I found out that he was basically a carbon copy of my ex except a little more handsome and charismatic. I was immediately repelled by that discovery.

Moral of the story? Yes we may have some patterns, but that doesn't mean we have to stick to them. I chose not to date that guy because I knew exactly how that relationship would end--poorly. Anyone who's been burned knows what it feels like when you get too close to the flames. When you feel heat, pull back and move away. If you are not dating to fill loneliness, you love yourself, and you know what you want in a partner, then you shouldn't worry that you'll pick someone just like your ex. If you happen to date someone new and they start to resemble your ex, you'll know you need to stop and look elsewhere. Basically, don't forget the lessons your last relationship taught you and you can't go wrong.

Now I am involved with someone who is very different from my ex. He's much more like me. :) And I think that's exactly what I need.

some people have built very complex lives. if we are simple people and get tangled up with people who have very complex needs and wants, we are not going to be able to keep up with their self-created "needs." they will always be unhappy with what we have to offer and want to contribute.

i intend to choose a woman who has a beautiful life right now. she has good relationships with others, she is financially grounded and disciplined, she makes a living doing something that she likes, she keeps a cute home, and she is healthy in mind, body, and spirit.

if she does not have those things now in middle age, she probably never will.

as for me, i want to just be worthy of her when i meet her. if i am not, then i won't date at all.

Wow some really good insights in this thread of discussion. It really spoke to something I am trying to deal with in my life right now.

I wish there was a way we could save certain threads to a favourites list, because I think this one could do with some rereading, to remind me not to repeat the same kinds of mistakes that I did in marrying my ex.
Faithful, I think what you said in your response struck such a chord.
If they haven't got it together by now in midlife....will they ever really get things straightened out? Interesting point!

Dating is a great way to learn about yourself. Each failed relationship brings you closer to the one that will be successful. Experiences can either teach you what not to do or keep you from trying.

I think TML's question, all on its own is an important and valuable item to have on our recovery to-do list.

I think it's a natural part of the recovery, but if for whatever reason, we aren't asking ourselves that question, we sure as hell should be.