Forgot to add, he hasn't asked for a reconcilliation, just wants to "date" me, and come by occasionally, which so far just about kills me. Just says that in time, someday in the future, we'll probably get back together. I wish I had a time frame, I'm hate living in limbo. And honestly, I'm ready to move on if it just isn't going to work. I'm SO tired of crying over him. Done.

You say that the problems are still there--that's not good. But--are they insurmountable problems, or something that you can both work on or learn to live with?
You also say that you've both changed in some ways--are they the right ways? Will it make your relationship stronger?
I believe in doing all you can to save a marriage, but sometimes it's just too broken. You and your husband are the only ones who truly know whether you have a chance at making it or whether it's even worth trying. You need to talk... you both need to be completely honest and decide for yourselves and together.
(My two cents, though, is that him saying "someday in the future, we'll probably get back together" is him stringing you along. Don't let yourself be his back-up plan if that is what the statement really meant.)

this is tough because part of me leans one way, and the other part leans in the other direction.

men, and i hate to generalize, so most men, like to string a woman along. even if it's an ex. it makes them feel empowered and they are the ones calling the shots. he decides when to call. he decides when to come over. it leaves you with little or no power. that's really unfair. this part of me says no, only because it seems as if he's playing a game. think of your original expectations and realize that your time is important. dont spend it in limbo...
then there's "i believe in love so hard that i want this to work" me. i'd like to believe that theres still love and respect. i know on your part you sincerly love him. maybe deep down he feels that spark for you and he's kindling a fire. id love to say this is the case, but i dont know.
whatever you do, just know your importance and that you deserve to have a say in any relationship becuase you matter just as much as he does.

Just dating and seeing you sometimes? That's limbo hell. While "reconciling" my marriage, my EX wouldn't move home, but he visited me like I was something to check off his list of things to do that week.
You do what you feel. CHoosing not to fully recommit, but just date, sounds like he gets to have his cake and eat it too while you sit wondering if you guys are working or not.

I am in no way assuming to know your situation, but I will tell my experience based on mine, and you can take it for what it is worth.

I don't know if my wife wanted to intentionally string me along similar to what you say, but I look at it now that she wanted a "safety net" so that if she decided the grass wasn't greener she could come back. It sucked, it prolonged me getting over her, and I feel now it was cruel of her to do, she left, she should have left all the way if she didn't want to stay and work on us.

Once we seperated and reailzed life goes on it made it twice as easy to break up again, we were no longer of the mindset that I need this person to function, we became more casual in our relationship and both put up with less of the BS from the previous problems.

She left me the first time for another man, I dated a few woman once were were divorced, neither of us ever got over that. I am not sure if things would have went better if we just seperated but stayed away from other people or not, but we didn't and that added to mistrust and pain on both of us. We both still looked at each other as we both should have been faithful even though we were apart, it was complicated, and especially in a small town where you see the other people that you know your partner slept with was a hard thing to choke down.

The old arguements came back quickly after the being nice to each other and saying we would change, I couldn't change her, and I couldn't continue to put up with how I was treated, we ended it the first time bacause of some of those issues, it should have been clear that we didn't see eye to eye on things that mattered to both of us, that doesn't change easily.

I would say go together to a good marriage counseler if he is willing to try, take a good hard look at yourself and what you can and can't swallow, and for sure don't "settle" you will never be happy, you will never move on. I had to try and get back together with her to realize this, and basically wasted another year and half of my my life not counting paying for a second divorce in less than 2 years. I am not sure that I really regret trying, but I know I would have been better off turning my back on the broken past and looking toward a better future.

I hope whatever you do works out for you and you are happy with your decisions. God bless.

I think it's a bad situation all around. Based on your other posts you have broken up with your husband for the 4th time now. That is NOT a healthy marriage. Obviously the things that cause this are still in place and it appears that they will not change. I am an advocate for working on a marriage and doiong everything you can to make things good so both of you can be happy. I am NOT an advocate of putting yourself back into unhealthy situations because it is "comfortable". File for divorce and put this all behid you. You don't need it in your life.

I loved my (now ex) wife very much. I did everything I could to save our marriage. She simply didn't want to be married to me. She would like to be friends but I don't need a friend that treats me as poorly as she did. Be strong enough to break out of your comfort zone. Let go and allow yourself to breath the fresh air and not worry about the dysfunction that you have had to deal with. Good luck.

I am currently in the process of attempting reconciliation with my husband who I have been separated 2 years from. He wanted it for two years but I was to cold and unforgiving to give him a chance. I guess you can say I have seen the light but he may not want me at all. We have both changed a lot and I believe I have grown up a lot. I know now what marriage is supposed to be and I want it with him. I know we have issues to work on but if we are both in it for the long haul and with no exit plan, we can do this. He is not so sure anymore. I just continue to pray he will give me a chance and am just working to prove I have changed so he can see for himself.

I truly believe it is possible but both people have to want it and both people have to be willing to work really really hard at it. We are going to a program this weekend called Retrovaille. There is a website. It helps people like us communicate and learn to dedicate to our marriages. I pray this works for us but if not, then at least I know I didn't keep running and gave it my 100% best shot.

Best of luck to you.

I wish that I could remember the details. Did he run around? Did he call you names? Did he refuse to work? I just don't remember the details.

Trust your intuiton, Shantelle. Your heart can only take so much and let you bend just so far.

Try telling him no to the dates for awhile, telling him you need some time. See what happens. If he waits for you and respects your no, then maybe you all have a chance.

He just wants to get laid when he wants to.
He may tell you otherwise, but I promise you that it's a lie.

Men don't want to DATE ex's, they want to FUCK ex's.

Let him go permanently.

wow. you guys really came through on this one. What alot to think about. I take this very seriously, I'm not getting any younger and I just dont' want to waste any more time. As far as him doing it for the sex, thats a no go, we haven't had sex in a year, and he doesn't seek it elsewhere. He believes he's become completely asexual. He isn't interested in sex at all with anybody. He's gone to the doctor, his testosterone is through the roof, but according to my research, it just happens to some people. Part of the reason we are separated. He thinks if he commits to his diet and works out and eats healthy that part of him will come back someday. However, I dated since we've been apart and it will take some time for him to get past that. I'm thinking of putting a time frame on it, and if this stuff hasn't resolved in say 3 more months, just call it quits completely. Sometimes I think we still see each other is simply we have no friends here yet, and we are all we know.

if he thinks that he is asexual and was not that way as a young man, then, i would say that it is a safe bet that life has kicked the hell out of him.

and, if he perceives you as a liability instead of an asset, that will make him distance himself too.

maybe a carefee life on a sailboat is what he should do. he could become a writer or a poet or a nature photographer; observe life and write about it from the outside.

i'm sorry, Shantelle. but, it looks like the real him, the deeper him, is trying to surface. if he really wants to, he can find a way to grow as a person and maintain a relationship with you too. it need not be an either or proposition.

it happens, have a cousin that remarried her ex twice, they spent a total of 27years together with 2 breaks, one of a year, the other close to 3 years.

my only thought if it were me.

Why would I want to make the other my priority, while being their option.

If my marriage was broken, I wouldn't do it without psychotherapist. Look into that.

Short answer: NO
Longer answer: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO

Then again, I stuck it out and tried to make it work for far too many years longer than I should have. How I wish I had divorced my ex ten years ago, the first time I saw an attorney. I could have saved myself so much anguish and loss. I hate to see other people throwing away their lives in bad relationships. So, admittedly, my advice is biased by my own experience, but I see a lot of red flags there for you. Proceed with caution if you do. And don't even consider it without some professional couples counseling.