Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
The last few days been really hard. As of tomorrow, my ex and I will have been broken up for a month. It blindsided me and I'm still struggling to process and get through what I found out when it was too late.
The last two nights I've dreamt of her and it's just awful. The dreams are good. Comforting. And then I wake up and it's a punch in the gut.
When we exchanged our things last month we had talked a little. I said I'd be willing to go to couples therapy, and that our conflict resolution problems were due to us just not having the tools we needed to know how to not get stuck. And that COVID and political stresses were just more pressure on top of that.
She wasn't completely against the idea at the time. She said she still loved me, that we'd been through so much, but all she could really say about couples therapy was maybe "in the fall."
Maybe a week after that, I sent her a heartfelt letter about wanting to put in the work and that she was worth it to me. That I truly believed in us. That I was working to get myself in a better place. I ran this letter by my therapist who didn't think it was problematic, just me being vulnerable and honest. But she left it up to me to send or not send. I did, and I got back a pretty quick reply saying that she (my ex) wasn't feeling the same and to please give her the space to work on herself too.
I responded by saying OK, and thanked her for being clear.
And that's where I am so early this morning. I'm still stuck, one month later, trying to mourn and grieve while also still wrestling with those feelings. That we really can get through this if we have tools to resolve our conflicts instead of fighting, sweeping them away, and then dragging them out in the next fight. I'm stuck still loving the woman I was so sure I'd be with for the long haul. Stuck hoping and wondering over a chance to heal together that may not ever come. I'm trying to be realistic and I thought I was making progress, but the last two days (and these awful dreams where we're ok) are making it really really hard and pulling me down.
Baby steps, feel sad. Cry, scream, write down your feelings or things you'd say to her. Get them out. You will be ok in the end. Just know that.
Im sorry you're going through this. You have support here.
I’m still in the midst of an ongoing divorce myself that I didn’t want. He will tell me similar things, like he still loves me but he just wants to work on himself, even though he doesn’t want to give me false hope by saying confusing things. I’ve said very similar things to what you said, how much I cared, how much I really wanted to put in the work, how much I didn’t want this, etc. But I’ve come to realize that I can’t control him. If he’s made up his mind, I can tell him how I feel all I want, but what he chooses to do with that information is up to him. In the end, I have to choose respect for both of us, respect for his wishes as well as self-respect for myself.
It does not make it any easier to accept. It sounds to me like you are still struggling with accepting a decision that you have no control over. It sounds like you’ve tried your best to express your feelings, allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable, even offering options like couples therapy. It really sounds like you’ve tried your best in general already. In the end, one of the hardest things to do is let go of control, or even the illusion that we have control over a situation.
I’ve had those same dreams, where everything seems fine for a split second when you wake up, forget, and you feel happy, but then reality comes crashing down around you like a crushing blanket of pain. It’s really difficult to deal with. For me, I’ve adopted breathing exercises to help me through those moments, or I’ll force myself to walk around or do some sort of meditation or physical activity. Some moments are truly awful, but I try to remind myself that they’re just moments, and that this too, shall pass. I know it only helps just a tiny sliver, but any abatement from the pain is welcome when you’re in the middle of the dark like that. It truly does get better bit by bit, very slowly. I’ve adopted the mentality that the more times something happens, like the dreaming, the more we will learn to acclimate, normalize, and become desensitized to it. Even if you dream about her for a day, a month, a year, many years, it can’t last forever. Time is always slowly ticking by and time really does help with healing wounds.
I also think that the dreams are cathartic, our body’s way of trying to process and release the grief, so I try not to view them as bad things, but rather, my body trying to heal itself by expunging strong emotions it can’t process when I’m awake. The pain is terrible and I had to learn ways to sit with it and not run from it, so that I could walk through to the other side and heal. I try to remember that that’s the goal, for me to help myself heal.
I’m not sure if these same strategies will work for you, as we all have different ways of coping and healing. If nothing else, at least you are not alone. I hear what you’re saying, I validate you, and I empathize with your situation. Slowly, it will get better, and you will be okay. I, and the rest of this amazing community, are here for you. Hang in there. You’re doing a great job.
Even though 99% of my letters to her for me are just "I miss you so much" written 80 different ways, it helps a little in the moment. It's just been a really rough go of it lately.
And like you said, Alietta, I have put all of my cards on the table for her. She knows where I stand. My therapist said as much today too. She knows how I feel and what I'm willing to do, should she be ready to do the same. There's no mystery on my end.
That doesn't necessarily make it easier or make me feel better, when I think about her still being done in response to that. Or never reaching out again. But it is true. It's not all on me, and getting back together won't work out unless we both make the effort and want to do it.
I think you’re doing a great job, focusing on yourself and how to heal and process your feelings. Some moments will still be terrible, but keep trying! Failure teaches us much more about ourselves than success. Be resilient. Pick yourself back up over and over again, no matter how many times it takes. You will get back up on your feet again in time. And in the meantime, for the moments of pain that feel truly unbearable, you don’t have to face it alone. You have an entire community behind you. You’ve got this, Just2Cats!
Prayers bro.
I hope tomorrow gets better for you, sending lots of hugs..
Whether it is "cheating" depends on timing. And it may be "emotional" only, or physical, or whatever. I don't want to freak you out more, but it's highly likely.
You sound like you have been committed to the relationship, and you have been willing to work on things. That is admirable! IF it turns out that she has been unfaithful, you will appreciate your efforts in the long run (I say this as someone who was married and together with someone for 19 years, then found out she was cheating. But I had tried hard up until that point. The divorce was 5 years ago. But I'm glad I tried! Closure and peace of mind!).
At this point, my advice to you is to start reconstructing your life as if she is not a part of it. She may or may not be a part of it in the future. But you need to build that foundation. If you really do want her in your life, your "new" independent foundation will be more likely to attract her than repel her.
Good luck!
Unfortunately, that is the absolute worst thing you can do. I’ve been doing a lot of research on breakups and the number one thing I see everyone say is the best thing you can do when dumped is to leave your ex partner alone. Do not contact her in any way. Even if she texts or calls, you do NOT respond. She wants her space, you need to give it to her. Chances are, she is not sure about breaking up, and you need to make sure she fully understands what life is like without you.
The absolute MINIMUM no contact period is 1 month, and if/when she wants to come back, you do not immediately give in or you will basically be showing her that she can leave anytime and you’ll be waiting for her whenever she wants to come back—not good.
Yes, this will be difficult, but please stay strong. And during this time, just as it is critical you do not contact your ex, it is equally critical that you work on yourself. Improve every single day. Learn new things. Get out there and LIVE YOUR LIFE.
If you do these things, 1 of 2 things will happen. Either your ex will want to get back together, or she won’t, but it doesn’t matter at that point because you are getting better everyday, learning, growing, and basically moving on with your life in the best way possible.
I really hope this helps. If you want more detail about any of this, go to YouTube and search for ‘get my ex back’ or something similar. Or even just reach out to me and I’ll be happy to talk with you!
Stay strong. You’ll get through this, and come out even better on the other side!!