I went to my doctor and got some celexa and Xanax. Xanax in a very low dose (.25-.5mg) helps take the edge off. I also joined a gym to do some cardio and just sweat. That really seemed to help. Alcohol made shit horrible so I went about 7 months cold turkey.

15 months later I still think of her but not obsessively and not with false hope of reconciliation. I know it would never work again so acceptance makes it easier. And of course....Time. There's no way to rush through it, I've read every book and article and website and blog etc., but time away you naturally detach. You're extremely early in the process so just understand its normal what you're feeling.

I am sorry to hear of your pain right now. I am not sure there is a clear answer. I have been told time, yet time is too slow for somethings and already gone for others. What have you done to address you? It seems you need someone to talk too, get angry with and even cry with.

Before you met your ex what were you like? Can you remember those times? Can you remember what you felt like? Looked like? I think taking sometime to mourn this change / this loss is good.

Remember who you were, what made you happy? Immerse yourself in being a father. Take some time out for you. See a movie, join a club, read a book. Begin with small steps. Self care is what I have being told. Take a moment focus on taking care of you. Take care of your son.

Talk to someone, in person. Stay safe. Breath.

Man, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I can't even remember what I did to grieve this. I spent a lot of time grieving and praying, crying, getting angry. There was no silver bullet... I even took her back after that and yet it still ended 7 years later. I finally don't want her romantically anymore. There was simply too much emotional pain for me to ever enter back into the relationship.

I do know that my recovery now (I suspect she even cheated on me again before we ended it) has been all about me. I built myself a body, started playing sports, started talking to more people. The biggest thing for me though was joining a CODA group and working 12 steps, reflecting on my childhood, my ended relationship and .. my growth.

It's been 9 years since she definitely cheated, and 2 years since she asked for a divorce and I agreed to give her one.

Hang in there man.

Time will heal it. Trust me. You can't force it but when it comes you will be amazed. Just be patient with yourself.

I have OCD and struggle with obsessive thinking all the time. I found Prozac and Klonopin extremely helpful. I've also had to learn to cognitively make myself stop obsessing, but it is so hard. Your obsession is situational, unlike mine which is a legit chemical imbalance. I think for you, time will work it's magic, but meds can help if it is getting beyond your control.

Gentle hugs.

Thanks for the voice of your experiences.

Coop, how did you get the energy for cardio? I haven't slept in days and it is all I can do to force myself to get out of bed and go to work. I'm what I'd call "bone weary" exhausted.

I am avoiding alcohol altogether. Not only is it a depressant, but it won't mix well with the meds I am now on - not Xanax, but Clonazepam.

Man that false hope and false reconciliation f'ing slammed me.

dylan, I was an active and very confident person when I met my wife in 1999. I played volleyball, pool, and was a leader at work with a great team reporting to me (working with me in my view) and we had a great rapport. I did rejoin my pool league, but my confidence and self-esteem took a huge hit and I'm no longer in any type of management role, nor am I confident in introducing myself and meeting people. I am very grateful for time with my son, and I ensure it is quality time.

jbuck, you nailed it with the emotions, except I can't seem to get really angry for more than a few minutes at this time. I definitely will look into CODA. I didn't know it existed.

Lovinsmple and all, I hear the message about time, and believe it to be true. Oh how I wish that it would go faster or that this knowledge would help me now.

It sounds like you are all in various stages of acceptance, and that's very good to know that I can eventually get there too. I wish none of us ever had to go through this.

@sja, Is there any way to explain how you cognitively "make yourself" stop obsessing? Should I try snapping a rubber band, or is there a method or exercise to learn this skill?

rolled a big fattie... well a few of them... :)

hang in there

LostNFound-basically, yeah. I have snapped rubber bands, given myself a pinch on the arm (not excessively hard), those kind of things to help redirect my thoughts. I also basically, seriously tell myself I am obsessing. Like acknowledging it helps me to recognize what I am doing. It has taken me a very long time, but it helps. Honestly, though, i pray a lot. I also found talking to a therapist helpful. Mainly, I have to almost make myself stop obsessing, then I become obsessed with making myself stop obsessing. Yeah, laugh, it is funny. It's taken me years to learn to somewhat control it, and when it gets beyond my control, I go on the meds. Have you asked your doc for an antidepressant? That may help also. They all tie in together-Anxiety, Depression and Obsessive Thinking. They, like, feed off each other.

I keep telling myself that he is not what I want anymore. That he is arrogant and selfish. Then I remind myself that the OW has to deal with him now. That she will get a taste of what he is like and I am free. I don't have to put up with his temper, or demanding respect at everyone else's expense. That is the OW problem now. Then I read a quote...."Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate." Don't know if it will help you, but it sure makes me smile.

Thanks sja. I'll talk to my therapist about getting some meds, at least for a little while. I don't laugh at your issue. It must be very difficult to live with, and I have a lot of respect for your determination in overcoming it.

@Broken, thanks for the quote. It made me laugh out loud. I needed that. It is the first time I have laughed since she did this.

I wish I could obsess over the abusive and manipulative way she treated me and used me. I wish I could get a little angry and focus on that for a while. I just can't and I don't know why. I'll talk to the therapist about that too. It sure would be better than obsessing about them together.

She just emailed me that she is going back to Florida to stay with "best friend" for a long 4th of July weekend. I'm happy to have time with my son, but conflicted about being her babysitter. I wonder how New Guy feels about her staying with Florida guy?

My ex says he is only renting a room from a woman he has known for a long time. If my mind starts to wander thinking of them together intimately, then I just remind myself that one day the poor woman will be in the same position I am in right now. As I am learning to become a better person, he will still be the same.

I believe there is little in life we cannot fix. But sometimes it means different. You have great confidence in there! You are capable of making the change. It is believing it, taking it in manageable steps. You need to be you again, for your son, but mostly for you! You got this! You can do this!

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

NC is so difficult to achieve. Even though I stopped physically seeing her in May and only contact her about my son, she must have accidentally butt dialed me last night. First, she sent me a bizarre text asking if I had seen the charger for the string trimmer. I did help her with the string trimmer before my step-daughter's going away party last month, but clearly had not been in the garage or seen her since then. So why the text? I replied "No."

Then, a minute later she called and I let it go to VM. I listened to it and all I could hear was her talking to a man in the background and the clock in the kitchen chiming. It was obvious New Guy is at the house with her, and therefore he is definitely now with my son as well. Ugh.

LostNFound3, given what you've told us about your ex's recent and past behavior, I find it entirely possible that it was not an accidental dial at all.

It may very well have been set up to look that way, while "turning the knife" a bit to let you know she is with new guy.

Block it out the best you can. She and new guy are not going to last. But then at some point there will be another new guy. It's not your problem anymore, except in relation to your son. And it sucks that she is exposing him to new guy so soon, but there's nothing you can really do about it. You can talk to your son carefully about it, or perhaps wait for him to bring it up. Maybe plan what you want to say about the situation ahead of time in case he surprises you with a question or comment. Come to think of it, I should probably do the same re: my daughter.

Can you tell her all communication should be text and email only, except in case of emergency? I suppose that wouldn't have protected you from a "staged" accidental call though.

Anyway, GOOD JOB with the NC. One word responses to texts = GOOD! Not answering the call = GREAT!

I have a one-word response of my own to send. stbx and I are "negotiating" (not really) over financial matters via email, and her tone is very angry and argumentative. She sent me an email today to let me know that she will be out of town at a family event (that I knew about, so it is legit) for most of the weekend so I can feel free to come by the house if I want to pack or just want to get out of my parents' house for a bit. Then she asked if I know when I will be moving into my new place. My response will be "No" - and I'll send it tonight or tomorrow. Why suddenly the nice-seeming email? Who knows? She's nuts. Or feeling guilty. Or trying to bait me in some way. Or finding NC with me harder than she thought it would be. Or trying to influence my response on the financial matters. Doesn't matter anymore.

Just block her out, the best you can. I will attempt to do the same.