It sounds like what she did was probably much more unacceptable! I think it's natural to look at the situation and try to see how we could have controlled it better. The fact is we don't have control over the decisions someone else makes! Maybe there are things that you could have done better but that's the case in all relationships. Don't torture yourself about the past because you can't change it. Did she ever tell you she was bothered or hurt by anything you did? If she didn't then how were you supposed to know you needed to do anything different.. My ex deceived me and pulled the rug out from under me. He was not a communicator so it came as a shock. He never gave me the chance to change things by taking the time to talk it out with me.

You may have done things in the relationship that were not perfect. You may have been able to do more but didn't, but the simple fact remains that she made her choice.

You can not, no matter how hard you try, influence someone enough to make their decisions for them or affect them in any way like that. Even if you HAD done more, she may have still decided to leave.

Going back over your relationship will help you to determine what you can do better next time in your relationships. Don't waste time thinking how you could have undone the past. It will only eat away at you.

I agree that there was a communication issue from her part. She did not communicate her needs. She either entered into an arguing and angry mode or said nothing. She told me that in her last visit she cried every night because she had to sleep in a different room and I did nothing to visit her late at night or invited her into my bed early in the morning as I had done in previous trips. (We had a long distance relationship with plans for one of us to more). The fact is that in that trip I was under a lot of pressure at work and I was struggling with my illness and I was already sleeping poorly. I could not afford losing more sleep. I explained that to her but she was never satisfied. A similar thing happened when she planned a trip for me to go see her and I could not make it because I was too sick to travel for several months. Both of these things really hurt her and make her feel unwanted. At the same time she had issues with my female friends writing on my wall on facebook even though they were just friends. She felt "she was not respected". She became very upset and texted me all night long. One time she sent me 45 texts. She made me erase comments from them or even block one woman Ihad accepted as a friend because she showed interest in my work, which is what I use Facebook for. She made me remove her because she sent me a love song. The point of all this is that it all added up and she became more and more unhappy with our relationship. The irony of all this is that while she was upset about the woman and the love song she was talking to the guy she left me for.

I tried to explain to her that arguing instead of talking does not help to communicate what she wants. And not saying anything about her need for me to invite her to my bed I feel was wrong. She said that that move should have come from me, not from her asking.

I'm sorry Gabriel, but when you love someone - really love them - you don't feel sorry for yourself because your ill spouse or bf has to sleep in the other room. you don't get angry, expect people to read your mind, and actually, if your partner is sick, it's not all about "you".

When you love fully from your heart, you're patient, kind, open, communicative. you have empathy. YOU were the one who was sick. Please don't let your brain mess with you and twist you around to the bad guy! That is backwards and is the opposite of what really happened, from what I have read.

If I had a partner that was sick and he couldn't make a trip to see me, I would be disappointed, sure. But there's a big difference between COULDN'T get up there to see her versus WOULDN'T get up there. A loving real partner knows the difference and rolls with the punches.

Everybody farts. Everybody gets sick sometime. Everyone has regular problems because they are regular people. I'm sorry Gabriel, but like you said, you thought she understood.

And you should have thought that! She was your partner!

So please, don't torture yourself because she was making it more about her, when you had damn good reason for it to be about YOU for awhile.

From what you have written here, there is some heavy codependent behavior going on from her end. Sounds like she is caught up in the caregiver - persecutor- victim drama triangle.

I highly recommend reading some books on codependency and learning about it yourself. This was NOT all you.

I'll tell you something about me.
I am a co-dependent.

And even as a CP, I know for a fact that if the man I loved was sick, I would be there for HIM. Not for "us" or for "me".

That is just how I roll.
I do not want you to blame yourself, because SHE slept with someone else.....because she abandoned YOU.

Did you ask to get sick?
When you told me she was upset because you didn't "invite her in" early in the morning, I thought please.... she is going to be late for homeroom!

Stop. Please don't beat yourself up. She is self-absorbed and THAT is why she did what she did. Her needs came first. And if she was a true love to you, she would have waited it out.

itsonlyme, what you say about all being about herself and being self-absorbed fits well with what she did at the end. She just took off with a friend of mine so quickly and without really knowing him, even though she had to have been cooking this for a while. She is looking after herself and no one else. She has financial problems and he has money and health. She does not seem to care that the way she did this not only ends our relationship but ends our years of close friendship. I am still perplexed.

Then what is there for you to feel guilty about?
Because you were human? Because you HAD to focus on your own well being?
That's what I mean! If she loved you, you wouldn't be writing to us!
She wanted money, a fast fix, to ensure her own future and even though she had a man who would probably walk through fire for her, she didn't get it. She wasn't appreciative. She's selfish from what you've written and I cannot understand where you're feeling guilty.
You shouldn't feel perplexed (although I totally get why you are.)
You should feel angry and take care of YOU. When she figures it out, it will probably be too late, but she'll most likely regret it.
If she doesn't, then she has no conscious to start with and all of us can do better than that for a partner.

Thanks. Your comments are really helping me. I hope I can do the same for you when I feel stronger. I just went out and felt so lonely. I was angry at her last night but I am stupid enough to still love her. But I am starting to see the true person she is. Your comments reaffirm what I have been feeling about what happened. I was looking into emotional abuse and found that she fitted the profile pretty closely.

itsonlyme: About her being selfish someone else posted the following:
She is just doing what she wants to do. She is single and free.

I am still shocked at how someone who said loved me so much and was the love of her life, saved every email, remembers every detail of our times together in high school, moved to NY because of me, told me she promised to take care of me no matter how long my illness lasted, suddenly turns around and leaves with the first asshole that knocks on her door offering her love and a comfortable life. This is not the first time she does this. She was married for 20 years to a man she did not love. He died of cancer 5 years ago. But she seems to want to settle again for comfort instead of fighting for the love of her life, because it is easier.

She stayed married, TWENTY YEARS, to someone she didn't love??

geez gabriel, there was a red flag....
you'll be okay.
eyes wide open now.
hurts but knowledge is power and now you are going to have the power.

I just want to let you know that this helps me see the other side of the coin. I know I made my ex feel guilty even to the end. She ended up telling me that she didn't want to make me suffer. I feel guilty because of all those times that I made her feel guilty and suffocated her. So you aren't alone. Hope you feel better.

How do you see that being married for twenty years is a red flag?

I am still having problems believing that she did this to me. I am still confused. She came to my life knowing I was very sick and made me a promise that she would take care of me no matter what. Now that my health has improved dramatically and would be able to do many things with her i couldn't before, now she leaves, and with my ex-friend. I am extremely surprised by this. I trusted her. She seemed like a decent person.

if she promised to stay with you to take care of you through your illness, why didn't you marry her so that you could provide those things that such a woman deserves?

maybe there just wasn't enough it it for her to stay.