CMSHINN,

I so sorry you are going through this right now.....I can honestly say I feel your pain. You have children and I know children need their Mum, My Mum recently passed and I was devastated and I'm 47. I could not image not been there for my kids.....as hard as it sometime is......hang in there.

YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS!!!! You deserve only the best in life. Everyone would NOT be better off if you disappear! Your family would miss you, and all of us here would miss you!

Yes, I know exactly where your coming from. I think our problem is we wrap ourselves up too tightly in their lives, and forget about us as individuals. Recently when I found he already had another woman, I was beyond crushed and wanted to end it. But, I will give no one ever again the power to make me feel like I should just disappear. You have to start loving yourself again, only then I believe we have the strength to heal. It's a long road, and right now it's scary and lonley. I speak for myself.

One of the top reasons we believe a lie when we know better; we want to believe the lie, we need it to be true and to acknowledge it as a lie means we must face the truth.
One of the top reasons we stay when we know better; change is a big scary cellmate who sleeps with a knife (metaphorically). I knew that my marriage was over for about three years before it ended and it ended not because I had the strength to end it, but because she found another man and kicked me out.
I'm guessing that you haven't been split up that long, or haven't split up yet. I say this because you feel worthless. That's natural.
I felt worthless, still do on occassion but fight it. i asked myself why I was never good enough, what I could have done to be the man she needed, and I put it all on me, my shortcomings. The truth was that it was her (I'm not saying I'm innocent). She had things she wasn't willing to deal with.
So now you're in the world, feeling worthless and questioning your value. What I discovered was that once I had that weight off my chest (a bad marriage that made me feel like crap) I started getting lighter. I started interacting with people as a more honest me. And over the months I started liking myself again. It takes time and pain and suffering and heartache and a willingness to marinate yourself in the quiet and really look at yourself, but if you don't disappear you can come to a place where you like yourself again.
I was at a point that was so bad that my sister likened me to a ghost that just haunted as opposed to a person who you can see and has a clear definition. I spent a large portion of my time contemplating death. I'm still scared, unsure as to how it all works out, but most of the time I'm okay, and a little more each day I become convinced that I'm a worthwhile endeavor.
What it boils down to is this, if he's not healthy to be around and you already gave it your best shot then it's best to be on your own no matter how hard that may seem. No matter how bad it gets life is still the best game in town. Start making some time for yourself to do things that you enjoy and once you're alone you may rediscover that you are a worthwhile person.

Thank you for your replies. I have been going thru this torment for 13 years. He is abusively controlling, emotionally, sexually, verbally, etc. I have attempted several times in the last 13 years to leave him. But when the door is open and I am ready to walk thru, he does something to pull me back into his clutch. I am tired of the roller coaster ride that I keep allowing (and yes I own that ride). I've had too many chances to brake the cycle and haven't done it yet. We were some what happy not even a month ago. But now he says, either you move out or I am. I can't afford the mortgage so it's gonna be me. On top of that, I blame myself for raising a son who is now a convicted felon. My husband is not his natural father, but due to the emotional abuse, my son turned to perscription drugs and got caught stealing to feed his habit. I not only feel like a failure as a wife, but as a mother too. I have no friends because I chose to seclude others from my life to keep my husband happy. My mother is tired of my cries. (I'm the little boy who has cried wolf) I complain about the situation, but I haven't owned up and taken control. That is why I feel at this time, I should just throw in the rag and call it quits. I know I need to brake the cycle. I just don't have the courage. I am 45 freakin years old and need someone to hold my hand and litterally walk me thru. I hate my self, I am not worth the ground I walk on or the air I breathe. And the only real person I can blame, is myself.

Goodness girl I am right with ya. My STBX left 10 months ago and some days, it feels like yesterday. Yes I still hurt and he left me for another woman. He cheated, lied and was verbally abusive as well.
I feel like you though, I feel small and alone in this big world with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Let's try to cheer each other up huh?

CM

Been there done that.... first thing is put on your big girl panties and realize if you don't change how you live... life won't change, I'm losing my house, my kids, my job, injured my head and trying to heal... like my comment... no man is worth your tears sweetie....

You must remember that your son made his own choices, no one told him to take the drugs, nor to steal to support his habit. You are certainly not worthless, I know it seems like that when someone tells you that for many years (mine did that too) Your son needs you now more than ever.

You should not have to move, let him move, you are both responsible for the mortgage payment, he should have to at least pay half for now, or, if he has a good job, all of it. If leaving is safer for you, then do so...start over, get yourself back to the way you were before you became his whipping post. He does not deserve you!

I always get worried when I hear someone say they think they would rather be dead than alive. While I can understand that life sometimes can make you feel that way, please understand that your value NEVER changes. You're just as valuable now as before you started the relationship. There's a place in the universe that only YOU can occupy. It would be eternally vacant if you weren't around. We here love...we really do. You matter to us; you have a voice here; and you will always find an open heart to listen to you.

Please please please get some help. You are a woman who suffers abuse. You have a son who is addicted to drugs.

Pls get to a woman's shelter.

Alanon can help an awful lot-for friends and families of alcoholics and addicts. Pls give it at least 6 meetings before deciding if it is for you.

You can create a better life for yourself. The first step is the hardest.

((((HUG))))

Most definitely do not blame yourself for your sons troubles! I grew up in an abusive home, along with my four siblings. All of us turned out just fine. I realize being beat down mentally is tough, and as hard as it is, you must remove yourself from the situation so you can begin to heal. And yes, it does require putting on your big girl panties. That is the first thing I said to myself, when I wanted to end it all. We all know how hard it is to to through a breakup, but I promise once your out of the situation, you will heal and life will get better. Please don't blame yourself for others shortcomings. Big gigantic hugs are enveloping you right now.

I am so sorry to hear about the pain and agony that you are feeling right now. I was like you only four months ago, in an endless cycle that did not feel good to anyone. I tried to leave every six months for nine years then eventually both of us stopped believing that I would do it which made me feel even more trapped. I would tell him that this time it's real and he would look at me like I was giving him a grocery list...no emotion...just yeah right whatever. I did some serious soul searching this year and I finally made the break for real. I had decided to start saving up money and to get into my own place without telling him which was very hard but when I was acting funny for about a week he cornered me, asked me what was going on, I told him that I couldn't go through this for another year and that I was moving out. I asked if he wanted to separate or divorce, he replied divorce, and 22 days later it was final. I have to tell you that I am in a new relationship already but that my life hasn't been better. I am stronger now in a different way. I had to be strong to endure the marriage for so long but now I know that no matter happens I will make it. I was so scared of what would happen, what would everyone say, think, etc. It took a good friend shaking me out of my blur saying....it doesn't matter what you do, you will be the bad guy no matter what...and she was right, but it wasn't until I could stand in those shoes and say screw all of you I wasn't happy and that is enough that I finally made the break. He is not taking it well, but I am doing great....and the kids, oh boy a whole other story. Good Luck and if it is that serious, get help, do not take your life.

I am where you are. I'm trying to just make it through the night. Then tomorrow morning, etc because if I lump all of my problems and issues together, its over. I am at the point where death is preferrerable to the torment. Minute by minute I keep breathing, even if I only do that. I come here to talk. Sometimes I can. Sometimes not. We're breathing, there is hope.

I too understand your pain. Feel free to read my profile and journal entrys. You sound alot like me, I too have drug addict son, who became that way due to childhood trauma causing sever mental health issues, once he turned 18 you no longer have the legal right to intervine and continue there therapys or make them get help. You need to put yourself first. I'm learning this step by step, I've always known I am a codependant person, but I never realized how sever until I just went through what I have with my soon to be ex. What he did to me, well there just isn't words to describe the calculating brutality of the things he did. I'm learning slowly that although what he did was the most damaging thing that has ever been done to me, it was also a very needed gift. That sounds strange to some, but had he stayed I would still be completely and totally stuck in my co dependence and being miserable. I'm miserable now because of the huge mess he left behind for me to clean up. But none the less the first step is loving yourself, and daily remind yourself that your son made his own choices just as my son did. I know that I did the best I could for him as his mother as I reached out to every resorce there was. And I know that you did the same for your son as well. The co dependant support group here is a great resorce as well. Many ((HUGS))

i know you hurt and i empathize with you so much...i feel much the same. In fact I am sure I would be gone if I was not pregnant. We can lean on each other. What are some of your bright and beautiful qualities....focus on all you have to offer.