Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Not doing so well, how to hold it together?

Peonypower
Peonypower

Hi, 


I posted before about my situation and you guys gave me so much strength. Basically we are now separated, discussing divorce options etc. Not talking other than that. 


I did find out the other day 2 things -


1. all of his friends and family are telling him this is not the right thing to do, why give up on me/marriage. This info does not help me and makes me so angry tbh, they seem to think he'll regret it and come back. I won't have that (for me it's done) but it will be so hard to have to deal with if that does happen - it's almost like they are not giving me the closure I need as I now fear the situation if this does happen (and obviously it might not happen which in itself is hard to deal with too given people have built that expectation up)  


2. He has been emotionally cheating and this was going on all the time the past 6 months whilst he was promising to work on things and wanting us to work. He admitted he fancied a woman at his work, and his feelings were developing toward her. Even 2 days ago he made her a playlist which was linked to my account (how I found out and confronted him - he only admitted this after that). Now I can see that all of the faults he found in me (I dont give him enough attention, I don't show him affection, we don't have fun anymore), I can see that he was comparing me to her (I have met her, she's bubbly and very attentive person). He told me it's been nice that she has been showing him attention. He said he hasnt cheated and doesnt know if she feels the same towards him. I just find that hard to believe. 


These two areas especially the latter have floored me and just makes it all the more difficult to move on peacefully as I had intended to. I had made my peace with the fact it was over, it was for the best and we were just not on the right path togehter. When I thought that he simply had fallen out of love with me and wanted a different life. Now I am imagining him with her and how happy they will be and it's actually me that he was sick of/I wasnt good enough, she was better. I'm so angry with him for doing this but also I am really beating myself up that I am not like her, not bubbly etc, and that he will move on soon and I am so not ready to do that so it will be hurtful to see him move on and be happy with someone else while I scrape myself up off the floor. I really hate him now, which will make the process of divorce harder as we have to sell our house and have joint debts etc but I don't have alot of money so I was hoping to do this without solicitors etc. But now I don't trust him at all. 


I am spirilling in my thoughts and I can't stop. I keep crying, I can't eat, I feel sick, I just want to sleep all day,I want to talk to people but don't want to talk at the same time, I just want a hug (but I live alone and he took the car so no transport). My friends are lovely but I don't have many and none of them have been through this - most of them just get angry with him and spout of hate towards him which is funny but also I don't want to be a hateful or spiteful person. I know they are doing it out of love and protection for me but I am a hippy at heart and don't want revenge etc. I also feel like I am taking too much of thier time with my troubles and it's more difficult that I can't see them. 


Help?! How can I get back on the right path to moving on? I know it's not a one fit rule but what things have you found helpful?


xx




Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
back your bags and run for the hill. Do what is right for you. You do not need to feel guilty about anything. And do not take ownership of his problems. Those are his and only his. Ignore his family. They do not live with him and it is none of their business. You need to get a lawyer, financial advisor and a therapist lined up. I had no money at all. I worked at a low paying job too. He even wanted me to support him. Yea sure. What I am saying, you will be fine. I know it is hard but you can do it. Remember if they can do it with you, they can do it to you. Let them be. I am wondering if they can truly trust each other, even if they are in the same room. Always wonder what the other one is up to. I do not want to live like that. So carry on with what you are doing, smile turn around and walk away.
11Christmases
11Christmases
I relate so much. Perhaps this will make you feel better - try to think of ways to use the cards you have been dealt and win this game. So, in a way it's wonderful that everyone is telling him not to give up on you. They must like you. This means they probably won't like/accept other woman. It means if he turns to her, life won't be perfect for them since everyone has sided with you. Also, you can take advantage of the fact that he's distracted by someone else, get organized and get the divorce done as quickly as possible while making sure you are getting a fair deal. My ex-husband met someone else a few months after I threw him out (I know he met her on a dating site a few months later because he dropped some very heavy hints). He made sure to rub it in my face and married her less than a year after our divorce was final. (She's a big dumb bankrupt pig BTW with a lot of baggage). Anyway, I used the fact that he was distracted by her, to get the divorce done in less than a year. I am far better off than some people I know, whose STBX husbands dragged the process out for years, dragging their feet the whole time because they didn't like the fact that the wife wanted the divorce and was, in their minds, "winning". Try to see the silver linings here. There are advantages to filing first. Your grief is very understandable, but you will feel better when you take action, own your power and move forward. Post/journal here as much as you need, we are here for you!
Peonypower
Peonypower
Thank you both, it was much what I needed to hear

Atpeacemary - I spoke to a divorce lawyer yesterday so I know what I need to do now. I love that - smile, and walk away. I will try to keep smiling!

11Christmases - positivity is so important to me so this really helped. It does feel nice that everyone is on my side - even if I'll lose them as friends/family, I know they think he is making a mistake, and on my side, my friends/family have opened my eyes that I wasn't always treated well so this is for the best. I am learning. I'm sorry to hear about your ex's behaviour, I think it speaks volumes about the type of person he is and the lack of respect for people (generally, but also the woman (you) he claimed to love during your marriage). For me, it's so hard as in listing my faults, I can now see how he has been comparing me to this woman (or actually - how he thinks she would be in a relationship). But one positive that I have, is that I know the reasons are not my faults - just stupid comparisons that aren't actually going to end up true. So I can safely try to not beat myself up so hard now because I know it was never really to do with me anyway. And also it was a big sign why he didnt want to do counselling to save our marriage - he just gave up. Now that makes sense, and again, it was nothing to do with me.

I'll keep trying to think of the positives and get the divorce done so I can move on!

Thank you xx
ElizaSc
ElizaSc
My H is in an emotional affair too and trying to deny it and make me feel crazy. After months of trying to get him to not give up on us, I decided he isn't worth it. Oddly I am now at peace with it. I too only fear loneliness but I am looking forward to having time to focus on me. Please stay in touch on here. We can chat each other through this.
Katya12
Katya12
First some questions: Do you have a lawyer? He/she will coach you and guide you thru all the tangled details of what you need to know to take the next steps. Have you considered counseling or therapy? This will start your healing process and keep you on the way to mental/emotional health. The counselor will help you see what's really true and what isn't. I counseled right thru my separation and divorce and it was the best ever. I know this is hard and all-consuming. Take advantage of the things you can do and let the rest go. Take some deep breaths and approach one day at a time. Take time to do one nice thing for yourself each day. You are worth it! Begin that journey to build yourself back up, find your true worth and hold your head high. I'll be praying for you! Come back to this site anytime. We are here for you!.
Ivy2
Ivy2
July 25, 2020
I can relate to this more than you know!!! please help with some words of encouragement and advice as to what should I do. my situation extremely stressful, because my life is on hold until my husband blindsided me by just leaving without any clue. we were doing fine so I thought, but without any conversation he hugged and kissed me good bye and said he going to work. four hours later I get a call saying read a letter I left for you and then call me back. so I did and said that he wanted to move and start a new chapter because of all the difficulties we experienced due to his inability to be truthful and transparent. He was very secretive, and believe that he's emotionally cheating because I've been down this path before. He want deal with his issues, but he says he's going to go therapy handiwork on himself, but just trust that he'll do that. we are presently separated and living 4 hours away from one another. He control how contact we have, I chose no to ring him because he'll shut down. I try believe this separation so needed, with hope that he will get help and deal with his anger and inability to respect me, an be the man he says he wants be, and perhaps save our marriage, including couples therapy if HE decides to not get a divorce, So I'm taking this time to take care of me by trying rebuild my self esteem and regain my independence because feel as if I have lost who I am!! my mind set is as such, "I'm praying for the best, and preparing for the worst! But the hurt and anxiety is GREAT!!! I stay in pray and have out in God's hand, because his will be done. I'm feeling overwhelmed and stressed! What do I do while in this limbo state? I've decided to give him space and pray he makes a decision soon! He says he love me and is going give thought to saving our marriage, I give him far too much control and I know that I deserve better, but I take my vows seriously, I AM STUCK AND STRESSED!!!! Any advice is welcomed.... Thank you!
Peonypower
Peonypower
Hi Ivy2
I'm so sorry you are in this situation, it hurts and I am sending you strength

You may not want to hear this but from your post (and my own recent similar experience) it sounds like your husband might have already left you but is too much of a coward to say that and it stringing you along with the false promise of working on himself.
Even if that's not true, and we dont know, thsi is the time to work on yourself (not in case he comes back, but actually selfishly for yourself) what do you want in life, what makes you happy and unhappy and how can you reach your goals. Perhaps you will find that you dont want to put up with his lies and issues - perhaps in the future you will find a partner that supports you in better ways.

I understand when you say you take your vows seriously, I did too but for me I realised that I cannot be with someone that doesnt truly want me - a person that was ok to treat me badly during our relationship and put his needs first all the time and that person just upped and left so easily too. That's not a serious marriage and it also has no reflection on how serious I took those vows... because he didnt take them serious.

Give yourself space from him, speak to a therapist yourself and find out what will make you happy, to stay or to go..its not all in his control, you have control over your own future happiness too.
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