Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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RLeigh612 07/19/2016

I am new to this site.. I joined because I am feeling so alone and am in desperate need of opinions and advice. Ok so to give a little background, I am 28 years old and have been at my current job for four years. About 6 months ago I got really close with a male coworker who is my age. He initiated conversation with me and it went from emailing to texting, to texting all day every day. I quickly considered him my best friend and vice versa. This guy also happens to have a girlfriend of 5 years whom he lives with. We didn't talk about her.. And although they live together, he still found time to spend all of his time texting me. Back in March things started getting flirty via text... He initiated this and then quickly had a change of heart a few days later, telling me he didn't want to lead me on and it wasn't fair to me or his gf. We remained close friends but now there was more between us.. We had this crazy connection and we couldn't help it. One night we went out for drinks and I attempted to kiss him.. He pushed me away saying he couldn't cheat on his gf. Then about a week later, things got sexual. we were both drunk texting one night and one thing led to another .. Then we began having sex together. It was a daily occurrence and the chemistry was absolutely unbelievable. We still talked all day every day and I finally admitted to myself (not him) that I was in love with him. he made me happy, he made me smile, he cheered me up when I was feeling down. He was crazy about me. Every once in a while though, I would think about the situation and it would make me sad. He wasn't mine. I couldn't sleep next to him, I couldn't meet his family, I couldn't go on dates... he said I was one of the most important people in his life but I was his dirty little secret. Sometimes I got emotional but I wouldn't tell him why, out of fear of opening up and being rejected (I knew in my heart he wasn't leavin her). So last week it was two days before he was leaving for a week long vacation w the gf and his family. I get my period and my emotions are going crazy. He's trying to carry on normal conversation w me and I'm giving him one word answers. For two days I was very mean to him, completely blowing him off. I still was physical w him before he left because I wanted to please him and wanted him to think of me when he was gone, but I wouldn't speak to him... I wanted to but I was pushing him away and I don't know why. Well... The next day he told me that he needs to focus on working through things with his gf... I'm crushed. I haven't eaten in days and I can't sleep. I cry all day. He comes back to work next week and he wants to basically tell me in person what he already told me through text but I don't think I can handle it. I can't handle seeing him. I feel like the biggest idiot. I don't know why I push people away instead of telling them how I feel. My emotions don't match my actions. I pushed away my best friend and I don't know how to go on and I don't know how to forgive myself. I've never felt so broken. Has anyone else ever pushed away someone they love and regretted it? I want to know why I did what I did, and how I will survive seeing him every day of my life.

mirandac 07/20/2016

I would talk to a therapist to help you with these
Issues. They can steer and help you toward healthier
Behaviors. I would stop all contact with xbf and just
Focus on yourself and your healing and growing.

Hugs

lostsoul72 07/20/2016

You have been given some really great advice and I would also like to chime in from a mans point of view. Most men crave attention from women. Most good men will thankfully keep friendships in there place and not cheat on their SO. Some good men are weeker in that department and try to fill in the holes in their primary relationship with a secondary one if the opportunity arises that is. It is not fair to you to be number 2 when their is a guy out there that would make you not only number 1, but his whole life. He is obviously attracted to you and I feel cares about you, but his actions and words tell you that you are number 2 and always will be. I have been on the opposite side of this a few times as I was lied to and told by women that they were getting a divorce and I just ended up being a fling as they ran back to their husbands. They all started much like yours did as two people looking for love and companionship, but they ended in so many lies and heartbreak on my side at least. One other thing I learned from going through that situation is first a cheater usually dosnt change (not saying they cant just saying they don't usually from my experience) and second they are many times having an affair with more than just one person.

You honestly deserve better than this. You deserve the world and a man that will give it to you whole heartedly. Take some time for your self and analize this relationship and you really should end it and go no contact with him as much as possible. Staying in contact dose two things. It allows him time to work your emotions and try to weasel into something again with you, and it reopens wounds in yyou and brings more heartbreak. I have also found that in the few relationships I have had since my divorce I can find love and chemistry with other women than the ones I loved in the past and you will find chemistry and maybe even a better Love than you have ever felt with other men in the world.
I wish you the best of luck.

Eevee 07/20/2016

You said you feel self destructive. I think what you're feeling is actually the opposite. You were taking care of yourself when you began pushing him away. That's not being destructive. It's being protective.

Love is fleeting. At the end of the day, what we all want is stability and support—someone who we consider our best friends and our lovers. When you're a dirty little secret, you're not being supported. I have no doubt there were amazing moments shared between you, love, and at times what felt like support. But, believe i yourself. Tell yourself you deserve the full gauntlet of what love offers. Don't settle for partial.

The eating and not sleeping thing will slowly improve with time. I've been there. Feels like eternity, but if you can tough it out for a month, your world will be brighter. Be kind to yourself. Take a long walk, eat something health, and keep telling yourself the next chapter in life will be even better. Now you know what makes you happy, you'll find it in someone 100% dedicated to you.

lostsoul72 07/20/2016

I miss typed what I meant in my previous reply. I meant some bad men will cheat. I am a firm believer that if your not happy in a relationship than get OUT. Its not fair to your SO that your running around trying to find what ever is missing in your life. Its also not fair to the person they are messing around with as your tieing up there life too and in most cases leve them feeling lost, hopeless, used and broken. Cheating destroys lives, marriages, family's and eventually hurts everyone, but the cheater. I was duped into thinking the two different women I was involved with were going through a divorce and had ended things with their spouse. Like I said before you deserve so much better and this guy would never really have your best interest in mind while running on his GF. Not to mention the chances of him cheating on you if you were to be together are very high.

I wish you luck.

ezzy345 07/20/2016

If he was, in your words "never leaving his girlfriend" and told you this then it is a sexual relationship and nothing else It might be something else for you but not for him and now Im sure he is feeling guilty about what he has done. You didnt "push" him away. You were feeling used and now he doesnt want to deal with your predictable emotional response. Why would you even want to be with a man that cheats on the gf he isnt leaving? Nevermind. Im just going to shut up now.

RLeigh612 07/20/2016

Thank you for your responses. Ezzy to answer you question he never said he wouldn't leave her .. It was just never discussed. And if it had been purely sexual I wouldn't be so lost right now. We literally see eachother every day and texted 24-7 .. It was far more than sex for both of us .. That's why I feel stupid for pushing

ChiTownBear 07/20/2016

FIRST: Name calling is not acceptable. Ok, nm, I call people douche bags and other things all the time. So ignore that.

I guess let me just say...

when reading things online, especially on a support forum where emotions are high, try to read things with an open mind and not like someone is attacking you. You may not like what advice or words are given in a response, but , it doesn't mean that someone is attacking you. its hard to know someones demeanor, attitude, tone when reading something in text, but know, you are on a support website and most times, people aren't trying to be mean.

So watch yourself in lashing out. I get your situation and you may have felt like someone was degrading you with their comments, but know, no one here really knows you, and they are not being personal. Also know, you came on a forum where most of the members here were cheated on. You have to expect some kind of ... something. Yet, everyone on the thread here has been nice. I am really proud of the support you have received from this community given your circumstances for being here.

As for advice, I have to go with what one poster said, Never be someone's second. When they show you where you are in their "line up" or "Flavor de jour", believe that is exactly where you are with them. So you have a decision to stay and continue to be second or you have the option to walk away and find someone who can love you in the same manner you will love them.

If you stay, cool, but its on you. You can not expect things to change. You can't continue to feel upset or hurt because you know, this is your place in his life. So youre expectations need to be at the level of what you see, not what you really want from him cus its clear, at this time, you aren't going to get it.

Welcome to the group.

ezzy345 07/21/2016

In your own words "He wasn't mine". You are the other woman. This man is using you and I am really sorry that you cannot realize this because the sooner you do the better you will be.

jojored 07/21/2016

We have to know our 'rights' as partners in relationships. The biggest and most important right is honesty - to your partner and from your partner, as well as to/from every other relationship you have in this world. We have to be honest in all relationships (to the extent we can - can't tell our boss they're an idiot!). If we can't be honest, we're not ready for a true relationship. That's my conclusion after 33 years of living with a dishonest partner.

By the way, your boyfriend, although you say he's "nice" and kind and a decent guy - is he really? He's kept you on the side, in the dark, his dirty little secret. And he's been cheating on his other girlfriend. That's not nice. That's not honest. I'm going to guess that you haven't been honest with friends/family about this guy - does everyone close to you know he has a GF? Do they know the true picture, or have you been dishonest with others because of this relationship? Sounds toxic, overall. You deserve better for yourself. Good luck, I wish you well.

ClearDay1 07/21/2016

"We have to know our 'rights' as partners in relationships. The biggest and most important right is honesty - to your partner and from your partner, as well as to/from every other relationship you have in this world. We have to be honest in all relationships (to the extent we can"

I like your reply jojored.

It's the dishonesty I can not abide, more than anything else

Deceptive liars I cannot tolerate.

RLeigh612 07/21/2016

Yes, my friends knew my situation. What I am most upset about is my inability to have communicated my feelings to him. I iced him out and was nice one minute and distant the next. If you push someone renough, eventually they will leave. I am finding it nearly impossible to forgive myself

ClearDay1 07/21/2016

You were ticked off because deep down you know you want him full time, when he has told you he is with someone else. You had a little tantrum or "iced him out" as you say, hoping he would say"gee honey, you're upset? Okay, I won't go ahead and go away with my girlfriend". That didn't work, and now you regret it .

It will never work. You are a side thing for him.

What Chitown was saying is that if you choose to stay, you need to accept your place in his life. Or end it. Because it sounds to me like you want him full time and that's not going happen.

RLeigh612 07/21/2016

You're right clearday1. I guess in my heart I knew it wouldn't work but held on to false hope

ClearDay1 07/21/2016

Let him go. As others have said, he's got no character, no integrity.

If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.

Truer words have never been spoken. He could never be trusted.

Let him go and find someone who'll be available to give you what deserve in life.

Don't ever settle.

mirandac 07/21/2016

I will say it again you should go to a therapist to
Help you work thru your issues. They can help
You figure things out and in the areas you need
to focus On. I come from a very dysfunctional
family myself And that plays a big part of our own
dysfunction Even after being out of the house. I wish
i did more Therapy before i married, i did some and it
helped A great deal. I just needed tons more. Alanon
For the last thirty years would have saved me so much
Today pain and hurt. HUGS

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