Sorry to hear about your situation.

This is a good place to let everything out. Everyone here are very understanding and gives good advice.

I am truly sorry that you're in such a tough spot. I understand completely what you're feeling. All of these emotions can be overwhelming. There is no fast and easy cure except for time. I know it won't seem like it and you think things will never get any better but trust me, they will. Many of us have been through the same thing. Nine months ago I thought I would die I was so hurt, betrayed and blindsided but here I am...for the most part things are much better for me and given some time they will get better for you too.

The best thing you can do now is to surround yourself with as much support as possible, whether it be therapists, friends, family, your church community. Remember to take care of yourself as well, try to eat and get as much rest as possible. The first few weeks will be the toughest for you but I promise, it will get better.

Hi Tryingto,

Welcome to the group. It's a wonderful group of very helpful, wise and insightful people that are always willing to help in anyway that they can.

It's horrible isn't it? The deep soul draining pain, total confusion, despair, the utter disbelief, The feelings of betrayal, missing them, hating them, loving them, wanting them back, wanting to let go of them and the stupid pain, wanting to fix it, knowing it's not fixable. Such a roller coaster of strong emotions and so hard to ride it's sickening and feels like it never ends.

Take a deep breath, know that you are not alone, and be open to some of the advice you get here. It's been a God send to me.
I was married for 20 years also and I still sometimes cannot believe it's over after a lifetime together. I can't tell you when, because everybody moves at their own pace through this process, but I can tell you that the total crushing pain you feel right now won't always be there. It will ease after some time and effort to work through the emotions you are having.

I read incessantly, I swear at times it feels like my life depends on it. To sit down and read the words of someone who has faced this process, to hear them express their pain and feelings and see that they mirror mine and finally to get to the end of a book and see that in many cases the person is better as a result of having been through this ordeal... It just gives me hope and I feel less alone. I have read so many books and I can honestly say it's helped me tremendously. Let me know if you would like a list of book that you may find helpful. I just started doing searches on amazon with words like Heartbroken, divorce, abandonment, healing after divorce, broken vows, and there was a plethora of results to choose from. I read reviews to see which ones were toted as truly being helpful and then read samples before I bought them.

The other thing I have found helpful is attending Divorce Care classes. These are classes held at churches all over the place. You go once a week watch a video of people discussing the horrible feelings and things we go through in divorce and how they worked through it and then you and your group can discuss the video and or any feeling that you are having. There is a workbook that helps you see progress and reinforces what the video is teaching. You meet for thirteen weeks and cover everything from depression to anger to acceptance. One gentlemen in the class with me was married for 34 years when his wife began cheating and left him. You just feel less alone. If you feel this may be helpful to you then You can find these classes near you by going to http://www.divorcecare.org/ and entering your zip code.

One last suggestion I have is writing. Everything you feel and think.
It helps just to get it out and not just let it stay inside and just fester. Then the other benefit to writing is, overtime you can look back read some of your stuff and clearly see progress in your thinking and emotions.

None of us know how we will make it through this when it starts, but somehow we do get through it. minute by minute, day by day, sometimes for me it literally feels like second to second. Just know that It gets a little easier as time passes. I know it sucks, but time and going through the process is the only choice we have and the only thing that makes it all better. hang in there my friend ((((hugs)))))

*like* #3

Thank you all for your replies. Its good to know that there are people willing to share their experiences and offer advise. The pain of my separation along with my wife's betrayal is killing me at times . I know in my head this has to get better but I feel like this pain will never go away. Brandnewk: I would like to get a copy of your book list please. Maybe reading will help fill in the time where I just sit and with my mind racing. And thank you for the info on Divorce Care. There is a church that offers this very close to me. I am going to join the group. Again thank you al very much.

I have been going through a very similar situation for a year and have gone through all the same emotions. My husband did it to me after a good 29 year marriage. But I am working very hard to get through it all. Some days are better than others. You need all the support you can get

Thanks brandnew... your replied was very helpful.

Hi, just wanted to tell you that I just joined too and am also in the very early stages of the process. I also just feel like I need someone to tell me what to do, how to get through this. It's brutal. I thought maybe it would make you feel a little better to know there's someone else in your boat. Somehow it calms me a little not to be feeling these horrible things alone. Really sorry for your pain and the loss of your marriage.

Hi Katieinthehills, I'm very sorry to hear you are also in the same situation. Although I'm new here I would say visit the site often. I do and it really helps to know that what I've been feeling at this stage is "Normal". I thought for a while I was going crazy. The advice and insight I 've gotten has really helped.

The almost unbearable pain will lessen over time.

Somerdad, you are very welcome. Tryingto, I will organize a list of books I think might be helpful and send it to you in a message soon. we are all going to get through this mess and be okay. :D

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation! I too have the same feeling that I just don't know how I'm going to get through this and hope that this support group helps. I'm 11 1/2 hours away from my family and feel so alone. I am also interested in some self help books.

I am very sorry you are going through this! I am also new here and this is my first posting. I would like to have the book suggestions too --brandnewkindofme! I ache for each of you going through this awful mess.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

So sorry to hear what has taken place in your world. Yes 22 years is a very long time to be together but sometimes we get lost alone the way. I do believe that there are two sides to every story in life or marriage. The one thing I did before leaving my spouse was to try everything I could to to win them back. If you are a busy person with work, friends, whatever takes up your time, It maybe possible that she felt alone. I know this because I felt the same when my spouse was always gone. He seem to have forgot the love that brought us together. Maybe I did too. I don't know how your relationship was with your wife but what I can say is if you have grown apart, not sharing special time together, not having sex are sure signs that something is very wrong. If you truly love your wife and your willing to try to understand what happened to make her leave then make her understand that you just want to talk. Ask her to help you, help her, help you to understand what things lead to her leaving. Try not to push to much but be gentle with her. Left her know that you can see she is hurting and if you are the one that hurt her then ask if she will talk to you and tell you why or what made her leave. If she can't get herself to see you then ask her to write you a hand written letter of the things she may have wanted to say and never did. You also can do the same thing. Remember never put the blame on one or the other. Start you sentences with (I) feel I wish I want I love I forgive. Start with what you feel as it pertains to you.When I left my spouse I had a good friend that helped me to learn how to (say what I mean, mean what I say but say it in a nice way. If you plan on working to try to win her back. This word helped me out tremendously. The work ( KIND) of (K) stand for, if you speak to her remember speak kindly to her, (I) if you speak to her remember to say something intelligent, (N) if you speak to her remember what you will say, (is it necessary) and lastly (D) speak (directly to her) look in her eye and most of all listen to her. Best of Luck and remember hold yourself accountable too for the separation. Make a list of what is good and not so good about yourself. You can always use the (KIND) example in your everyday life. I have found it to be very helpful in so many way. Lastly read up on the 5 stages of grief. It will help you with all the feeling and emotions that may or have come and gone.I find when I feeling low I write down what I am grateful. Life in it self is hard make the best of it you can control the out come of your happiness. No one has the right to take that away from you.

unless you let them.