Welcome to the group. I have found this site and (most of) the people here to be very supportive and a great source of inspiration. It's funny how a bunch of strangers can often provide the exact unbiased, objective perspective that is so desperately needed.

I am not in your shoes. But let me offer some thoughts for your consideration:

Nothing is "wrong" with you. 15 years is a long time. You and your husband have a great deal of shared history together and, of course, you have four children. Your husband is an enormous anchor in your life. It can be daunting to let go of an anchor and just... drift into uncharted waters. Mentally, you are thinking "I don't know what life will be like without my husband, so I want to cling to him!" But that isn't really an option, is it?

I don't know why you left your husband but, whatever the reason, let's give him credit for now being honest in saying "I don't want to work things out, you should move on." I can't imagine that was easy for him.

Now you need to embrace the opportunity to reinvent yourself.

I think your new guy should be (will be) understanding of your emotional state. It is totally normal for you to grieve for both your husband and your marriage. This new guy is NEW and, obviously, not your husband. So you really have to consider him based upon his own merits, and not A/B him with your husband. And, let's face it, you don't HAVE to stay with this new guy. This new relationship doesn't HAVE to work out.

Your emotions have been brought to the surface because of your upcoming court date. I think it is normal to want your life back. 15 years is a lot of history. It is a lot to give up especially since you have children. Moving on is scary. I think it's natural to want to stay in the past. My husband just let our 18 year marriage and I am so scared of my future that I let him continue to treat me poorly as a result. I am scared that I will never find someone else to love or even date. Just understand that you are grieving but it might not necessarily mean you want your husband back. Remember why you split in the first place. Will that problem go away if you were to reconcile tomorrow. Or would you still be unhappy. Focus on your own happiness.

I think I definitely need to reinvent myself. Get a new hairstyle, go to the gym, spend time with friends. I definitely need to get out of the house more. Staying at home so much isn't exactly helping. Did I mention I work from home? So that usually is a plus but considering the circumstances it's really making me crazy. I think maybe a career change is in my future also. Thanks for the words of wisdom I really needed it. I have friends that I've been talking to but they can't relate to what I'm going through so that's why I'm here. I'm really appreciative of the words of encouragement.

Hi this my first post my hubby kicked me out 5 months ago yesterday been sober since then..i deserved it.. however i am happy with my progress. We still love each other very much, and have a son together, who is with him i see him several times a week. Anyway i will share more after i hear from someone on this site. I have never used a site for help

windshimmer,
I would want to reinvent myself too, and I would certainly leave behind anyone who told me they didn't love me far behind. I would and AM so much happier being single than to grieve for someone who tears me down
Good luck.

mc35055,
I am hoping you will post right from recent discussions to add a topic
and start your own thread. I hope you will get a better response there.

I was where you are five years ago. We got back together. Five years later I am barely able to stand him. The reasons I had five years ago I still have now but worse. My problem is the abused wife syndrome. Stay long enough with someone who puts you down and you don't know what to do without it. Don't get to that point. A frequent contributor on another thread suggests we get index cards and write down a single incident that really hurt us or abused us. Make a stack of them and read them in times of Weakness or uncertainty. I am 60 too. I hope to live the rest of my life in happiness.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I'm feeling a bit better than I was earlier today. I know the only thing that can heal me is time. I just have to take it day by day.

I have walked in your shoes, my husband left me after 15 years of marriage, that was 9 years ago I am divorced, the longer the marriage the longer it take to get over the relationship I still feel the pain.

Has he moved on and remarried yet? Are you dating or thought about getting remarried?

I'm sorry. It's okay to be a mess after 15 years and four children together. I wish I could tell you some nugget that will help you heal quickly but I can't. There were good days for me and horrible ones after my husband left and we ended up going through an extremely messy divorce. I never could have anticipated all the ugliness and pain.

I can say, though, that my counselor and God are the ones taking me through the healing process. Time helps but I believe He is the one who heals. :) If you'd like some links to counselors or other support, let me know, and I can message you some info.

Take good care of yourself these days. I recommend a good lawyer as well as counseling for your children, too. They're going to go through their own messes and, in my opinion, benefit from seeing you get help and may be more open to reaching out for help when they see you doing that. I will pray for you - much peace and comfort to you. :)

FreeButterfly70

Thanks freebutterfly70 I really appreciate that. I actually started seeing a counselor around the first of the year because wouldn't you know it, I developed panic attacks. This whole process has really gotten to me. And my oldest is the only one completely aware of what is happening so I put her in counseling also. This is taking a toll on me. Like I said I've been doing well but it's starting to hit me like a ton of bricks that this will be final soon and he will be my past. I just wish the sadness would go away.

You're very welcome. I really do feel for you in your sadness. I've never had pain hit me so deeply before, especially when I think about my children. I had always struggled with anxiety, too, and began to have panic attacks during that time. I went to an anxiety support group for a little while and that really helped a lot - met some great friends there. The counselor who led the group (who suffered from panic attacks too) told us that severe anxiety is the the body's way of telling us our souls and spirits are overwhelmed!

I'm so glad you and your daughter have the support of a counselor. It doesn't take away the sad times, but there will be less of them some day. It's nearly five years later for me, and I can say that all the work I put into the healing process is paying off in less baggage and more hope for the future.

Hope you can rest today and do something good/fun for yourself today. :-)

When I was going through my divorce (it took 6 long years of separation to get to the final papers)...it wasn't until then did I start the process of grieving the loss of the marriage...I too had someone in my life and so did he so I questioned myself...why was I feeling this way; why am I crying over something that has been dead for so long.....I finally ended up seeking answers from a therapist cause I just couldn't understand all the emotions going on....I was told that this is normal and it's finally at the end....things are finalizing and the moving on is real and scary for many....our marriage wasn't good for either of us but it was our marriage....and it's the finalization of the papers that say it's over...it's no longer that is emotional. Give yourself some time. We have to grieve in every loss we experience .......I find myself grieving again as this ltr has ended and he's seeing someone else.....I know I gotta move on too....

I figured by now I'd be ok. This new wave of emotions is taking its toll on me. I hadn't seen my counselor in a few weeks as I was doing well but I contacted her this morning to set up an appointment. I feel as though if I yelled, hit something or ran away I'd feel better.

Welcome. Sorry that you are feeling hurt. Your regression may have to do with the fact that the divorce is more a reality whereas in the past you tried to work things out and you had hope. Your feelings are normal.