Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm not even sure where to start. I am married 18 years, we're together for 23 years. Have 2 girls, 9 and almost 3. He was my everything. I felt my life was good and I could see my future.
The last 4 years things started getting rocky. I tried to talk to him about it numerous times. Ive come to realize that he's emotionally and mentally abusive. As I think back I can see now it's been going on for about 14 years.
I've pushed for marriage counseling on 3 separate occasions, I tried talking to him, started standing up for myself and thats when things got worse between us and we had been fighting a lot the last few years. Ive asked for a separation 3x and he refused to leave and give me any space or get help for himself.
The last 1.5 years I started contemplating divorce. I went to an atty in Sept 2012. I gave things another year. Then went to see the atty again in Nov 2013. I decided to wait to move forward until after the holidays, for our girls sake. I asked for a separation again and he refused to move out but agreed to sleep downstairs and has been since October.
In January 2014, I retained the atty. Was ready to move forward and he starts with the promises to change... I put the divorce on hold and went to another marriage counselor. Same thing...he convinced her he was trying This TIme and doing everything I wanted and she told me that I need to try harder.... I am raw. Stripped down to my bare bones here. I HAVE been trying for years. He still doesn't get the enormity of how his behavior has destroyed me and our marriage.
I feel like I'm dying or that someone has died. I cannot believe my marriage is ending and my future is so unknown. Some days I can't focus on anything. My mind is just mush.
He goes around telling friends that I want the divorce. I'm not happy and I served him. Some of our couple friends with kids have pulled away from me. God only knows what he's telling them. Does he tell them about the Years that led up to this??
I just feel like my whole life is unravelling. Yes, I'm in therapy now since October. She specializes in abusive relationships and has helped me a lot. But Ive dropped down to only twice a month. As i go through my finances, thats going to have to be something I cut out.
It's all so overwhelming. I know this is jumbled and long.
I just feel so broken. And I'm trying to keep it together for my girls. The oldest knows we're getting a divorce. Seemed ok and not surprised when we talked about it - she brought it up actually. I know it will be A LOT for her to process. And I am preparing myself for that.
I'm trying to fill out my financial affidavit, but the thing is my husband controlled all the money, bills, finances. I trusted him completely. We were a team. I work full time, take care of the kids, run the house - he works, does laundry and the bills. I look at all of this and it's just so overwhelming.
Ive never felt so lost. Ive lost my self esteem, I second guess every decision. My husband has beaten me down and I just don't know how to build myself back up again, while staying strong for our girls, staying focused to work and not get fired, and figure out all this financial info and what I'll do once we're divorced.
The last 4 years things started getting rocky. I tried to talk to him about it numerous times. Ive come to realize that he's emotionally and mentally abusive. As I think back I can see now it's been going on for about 14 years.
I've pushed for marriage counseling on 3 separate occasions, I tried talking to him, started standing up for myself and thats when things got worse between us and we had been fighting a lot the last few years. Ive asked for a separation 3x and he refused to leave and give me any space or get help for himself.
The last 1.5 years I started contemplating divorce. I went to an atty in Sept 2012. I gave things another year. Then went to see the atty again in Nov 2013. I decided to wait to move forward until after the holidays, for our girls sake. I asked for a separation again and he refused to move out but agreed to sleep downstairs and has been since October.
In January 2014, I retained the atty. Was ready to move forward and he starts with the promises to change... I put the divorce on hold and went to another marriage counselor. Same thing...he convinced her he was trying This TIme and doing everything I wanted and she told me that I need to try harder.... I am raw. Stripped down to my bare bones here. I HAVE been trying for years. He still doesn't get the enormity of how his behavior has destroyed me and our marriage.
I feel like I'm dying or that someone has died. I cannot believe my marriage is ending and my future is so unknown. Some days I can't focus on anything. My mind is just mush.
He goes around telling friends that I want the divorce. I'm not happy and I served him. Some of our couple friends with kids have pulled away from me. God only knows what he's telling them. Does he tell them about the Years that led up to this??
I just feel like my whole life is unravelling. Yes, I'm in therapy now since October. She specializes in abusive relationships and has helped me a lot. But Ive dropped down to only twice a month. As i go through my finances, thats going to have to be something I cut out.
It's all so overwhelming. I know this is jumbled and long.
I just feel so broken. And I'm trying to keep it together for my girls. The oldest knows we're getting a divorce. Seemed ok and not surprised when we talked about it - she brought it up actually. I know it will be A LOT for her to process. And I am preparing myself for that.
I'm trying to fill out my financial affidavit, but the thing is my husband controlled all the money, bills, finances. I trusted him completely. We were a team. I work full time, take care of the kids, run the house - he works, does laundry and the bills. I look at all of this and it's just so overwhelming.
Ive never felt so lost. Ive lost my self esteem, I second guess every decision. My husband has beaten me down and I just don't know how to build myself back up again, while staying strong for our girls, staying focused to work and not get fired, and figure out all this financial info and what I'll do once we're divorced.
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Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
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My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...
Your Atty. can advise you on many things and the steps you need to take to protect you and your kids. Once you get your financial issues resolved in the divorce, this will help you in knowing what financial responsibilities you will have to deal with on your own.
Do not despair., many of us have went through many of the same things you are experiencing. Take what advice you get here on DS and use what works best for you in your situation.
I was the one to handle the bills and it was still a bit much for me at first. There was his two pensions and 3 401K's that I had handled and yes it can all be overwhelming. You just have to dig in and do it to the best of your ability. Start slow and do a little each night. Your atty or someone in his office can help you. But remember you are paying for all that help so only ask when you really need it.
You can do this.
I could not leave. And I would not leave the girls with him. I work out of my home and our eldest has severe multiple food allergies and I have all her special foods here and need to cook all meals. I drop her and pick her up from school because I can't let her ride the bus until she is able to administer her own Epipen in case of an emergency. He cannot or will not do half of what I do for our girls. She also needs to stay here to go to school. While I work from home, I have a sitter who comes and watches her here. It would be beyond absurd for my husband to stay and uproot the 3 of us. He's selfish. And often puts him and his needs first.
I'm just struggling with all of my emotions and the stress of the situation.
I am so very sorry things are so tough at this time.
I agree with the others and try to get the house for yourself and the girls.
I would suggest you file as soon as you can. You know your Husband is probably doing his best to hide as much money and stuff as he can.
You and your girls deserve to get some support from him.
We both saw a post by a man who thinks all assets should be hidden as he thinks women are in a marriage for a free ride.
I wish you the very best of luck. Take care of yourself and your girls and you can't control what he says to other people, so please try and just concentrate on your moving forward.
Things will get better after this mess is over and you are free of him.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))
Trying to pull myself up and take care of me. I realize if I keep going like this, I'll be no help to my girls at all.
Gem - it's nice to see you again :) You've helped me so much to get to this point. I did follow through and he has been served. We're in the process of the 90-day waiting period. He's still living here and it's stressing me out. But I try to avoid him as much as possible. But whenever the girls are around in earshot, I put on a happy face and I'm nice to him.
I know I need to let things go for my own sanity regarding what he may or May not be saying to friends and family. It's out of my control.
Period.
Let him talk to others, tell them all kinds of stories. That's HIS problems. As you focus on you and your kids, you will come out as the bigger person. He can say whatever he wants, but if you're not arguing back, starting drama...then you're not validating him or giving fuel to his fire.
It's scary, but you will make it. Remember, what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
Always be your true, authentic self. Always.
Thinking of the overall picture sometimes is too much. Jus right now think one step.
Somerdad - it's comforting to know others are going through this. And can understand just how overwhelming it all is. I do need to take one day at a time and stop my mind from racing ahead into the unknown.
I wasn't suggesting that focusing on you was going to be easy, but it's a must. I don't understand feeling guilt, like you do, but I do remember sadness and anger and confusion. I remember saying to my Dad, "If there was one time I could use an instruction manual"...
I was not someone who was embarassed that I was divorcing, and I didn't, personally, care if others judged me by it. I talked to people who I gained strength from in different ways. My Dad was my rock, and he helped me to stay focused on the "business" end of it. My sister helped me to sort out the "child support and custody" end. My brother was there to be funny and make me laugh. I had two good,close friends who let me bitch and moan and sob eighty seven times a day if I needed.
That being said, I didn't do any of it to garner sympathy or anything. I was "suddenly" alone, and needed to build my army. I needed to start covering my back from all directions because I learned, growing up, that you always have a Plan B and C just in case PlanA falls apart.
I empathize with your feelings. When I said to put you first, like I said, I didn't intend for it to sound like it's a snap of the fingers solution. Again, coming from an abusive situation such as yourself, I can see how much harder it would be.
DS isa good step. Keep posting here, but remember: Once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go from there is UP.
HUGS!