I'm not even sure where to start. I am married 18 years, we're together for 23 years. Have 2 girls, 9 and almost 3. He was my everything. I felt my life was good and I could see my future.

The last 4 years things started getting rocky. I tried to talk to him about it numerous times. Ive come to realize that he's emotionally and mentally abusive. As I think back I can see now it's been going on for about 14 years.

I've pushed for marriage counseling on 3 separate occasions, I tried talking to him, started standing up for myself and thats when things got worse between us and we had been fighting a lot the last few years. Ive asked for a separation 3x and he refused to leave and give me any space or get help for himself.

The last 1.5 years I started contemplating divorce. I went to an atty in Sept 2012. I gave things another year. Then went to see the atty again in Nov 2013. I decided to wait to move forward until after the holidays, for our girls sake. I asked for a separation again and he refused to move out but agreed to sleep downstairs and has been since October.

In January 2014, I retained the atty. Was ready to move forward and he starts with the promises to change... I put the divorce on hold and went to another marriage counselor. Same thing...he convinced her he was trying This TIme and doing everything I wanted and she told me that I need to try harder.... I am raw. Stripped down to my bare bones here. I HAVE been trying for years. He still doesn't get the enormity of how his behavior has destroyed me and our marriage.

I feel like I'm dying or that someone has died. I cannot believe my marriage is ending and my future is so unknown. Some days I can't focus on anything. My mind is just mush.

He goes around telling friends that I want the divorce. I'm not happy and I served him. Some of our couple friends with kids have pulled away from me. God only knows what he's telling them. Does he tell them about the Years that led up to this??

I just feel like my whole life is unravelling. Yes, I'm in therapy now since October. She specializes in abusive relationships and has helped me a lot. But Ive dropped down to only twice a month. As i go through my finances, thats going to have to be something I cut out.

It's all so overwhelming. I know this is jumbled and long.

I just feel so broken. And I'm trying to keep it together for my girls. The oldest knows we're getting a divorce. Seemed ok and not surprised when we talked about it - she brought it up actually. I know it will be A LOT for her to process. And I am preparing myself for that.

I'm trying to fill out my financial affidavit, but the thing is my husband controlled all the money, bills, finances. I trusted him completely. We were a team. I work full time, take care of the kids, run the house - he works, does laundry and the bills. I look at all of this and it's just so overwhelming.

Ive never felt so lost. Ive lost my self esteem, I second guess every decision. My husband has beaten me down and I just don't know how to build myself back up again, while staying strong for our girls, staying focused to work and not get fired, and figure out all this financial info and what I'll do once we're divorced.