Hello, everyone! I am new here and am eager to seek solace and comfort from others who understand what I am going through. So, here is my story and hopefully I can find a solution or some guidance...anything to help ease this damn pain.

I met my estranged husband in 2012 and we didn't start dating until 2013. He is 14 years younger than me and that should have been an immediate red flag but it was something about him that made me feel safe and comfortable. We dated for two years before he moved in with me and my 2 children from a previous relationship. It was a big adjustment for all of us but we made it work and I thought that things were great. He spent his day working and training (amateur MMA fighter) while I spent my day working and taking care of the household. When we were both home, we spent time together as a family as well as alone. Fast forward to year 3 - that is when he asked me to marry him. It was sweet and I was excited to see that this young man that I had started dating was maturing and ready to handle such a huge responsibility. However, I wanted to make sure that he was ready so we decided to wait 2 years before we got married. It was 3 weeks before our wedding where everything went crazy.

So, 3 weeks before our wedding, I had his cell phone and saw a message to a random number that said "are you mad at me?" When I questioned it, he told me that it was to one of his boys...but why no name and just a number?? I tried to let it go, but it got the best of me and I ended up texting the number. Turns out that it was a stripper who told me that she was using my husband for money and gifts and that she had no sexual interest in him at all. I believed her and confronted him; he told me that he would pick her up (he was a LYFT driver) and drive her home and that he thought she was attractive so he started to buy her things. I chalked it up to him being young and immature and a little bit of cold feet before the wedding. He cried, apologized to me and the kids and promised never to do something like that again. I, obviously believed him and we got married in March 2018. 

The marriage was difficult because there was very little trust in him. I started tracking him, his spending and worrying about where he was at every second of the day. He kept driving Lyft but his schedule was a regular work day schedule, 7am - 5pm; nothing after 5pm. This worked but my mind could not let go of what he did. Now, two weeks before our 1 year wedding anniversay (March 2019), and really to my surprise -- he did it again. This time, he hid his friendship with another girl, had hour long phone conversations with her and even sent her food while he and I were at one of my work conferences were I was a presenter. I found this out while we were away and we had a huge argument. When we got home, I told him to leave because I was hurt, upset and realized that I couldn't trust him. He left the house and then went MIA for 3 days....I had no contact with him, nothing for 3 days!!! When I finally spoke to him, he told me where he was and why he left. He then told me that I needed to get used to him having girls as friends because his love is for me only. I told him that I didn't care if he had girls as friends as long as HE knew how to treat them as friend. I never had a problem with the girls, it was with his behavior. I asked him to stop talking to this girl, but he didn't...it took him 2 months to finally stop talking to her. That is because he ran into another "old" friend and started talking to her. He also told me that he lied about where he was those 3 days because he was scared to tell me the truth.

Now, almost 6 months later...he is still not home with me. He has been staying with his parents and paying me what he owes me monthly for any joint bills that we have together. We comunicate frequently and have seen one another...but it is not the same. The trust is still gone but I freaking love him crazily. We talk about trying to get back together but he refuses to stop having these "friends" and he refuses to apologize to the kids again. We also talk about divorcing. 

I do not know what to do.... the first year of my marriage was rocky and the start of my second year of marriage finds me living alone.... I think that I know what I need to do but I am scared of taking that step. My family was helpful for the first day or two of him missing but have not checked up on me since. I am depressed, sad, cry myself to sleep every night and am just so unhappy. 

Please, someone, anyone....offer guidance, anything... I just need a non biased opinion on things.... 

Signed,

Sad, Depressed and Confused