My realization has been very similar to Dave's. There was a lot that my husband was unhappy with me about, and I was really working on those issues. I was unhappy with things about him too, but I didn't let my anger and resentment grow the way he did. I accepted responsibility for my own share of our marriage and was making progress despite his constant disapproval, resentment and withdrawl. In the end it wasn't enough, and I don't think it *ever* would have been enough. He was already stuck in the mindset that all the problems in the marriage were mine and was fixated on the negatives, even if something wasn't an issue anymore he'd find a new complaint.

Now a lot of the things he wanted me to do I have no choice about because I'll be on my own, and rather than be glad he's angry that I'm only changing because I was forced instead of for him. The only upside in all of this so far has been that I'm fixing my life now for my OWN sake and the sake of my kids, and the overwhelming weight of his expectations aren't weighing me down anymore.

If we don't change, we'll be back in the shitty game.

We are creatures of habit..and human...

The only people we get to change are ourselves, and that only comes through a deep desire to do just that, for ourselves, and no one else. Then the expectation is put on us to change things other dont like about us, what is the value in that? It becomes superficial.

Take my ex for example. I wanted to change his drinking. (i know, not a great example) that wasnt going to change unless he wanted to do so. And me...I needed to change my reaction to it...and I had to do that on my own without him pointing the finger of expectation on me.

I changed it because I wanted to. I wanted to be healthier and a better person, but it took for me to be away from him and know who I was deep down at the core for that to happen.

they say if you can change something, do it. If you cant change it, change your attitude. With this, I have a completely different perspective of him and the situation

Sometimes it is to late to change the damage is done.

Thanks for all the support. I appreciate it much...

If making the change is a positive thing, a thing that you both want and can live with then it would be wrong not to make it; but, if one is making a change purely for the other person then it won't be a real change and won't last. Don't you think many of us changed during the course of our marriage to "make things work" but because it wasn't real it didn't stick? Like, I could beg my ex to pay attention to me, buy me cards, little ways of showing he cared but if he didn't feel it it wasn't real and it wasn't happening. I wish I had given up earlier instead of holding on for his "change"...

Life is to short to be in constant pain.

When I'm 90ish, I want to look back at my life and smile on good choices I made, not look back with regrets.

I'm sorry Rman. I haven't seen you on here for awhile, and I'd hoped that things had gotten better, but it doesn't sound like it.

Is there anything that you think that you can do that you might want feedback on?

(I wish that my ex and I had put each other first and tried to make things better. But kids and life had us overwhelmed and both too worn out with it all for him to even want to try at the end.)

Not to be mean or rude but I think it would be a sign of selfishness. Maybe you're not in love.. because with being in love comes the want to be the best you can be.