Some people take longer to change than others, but it works both ways, you cannot be expected to make all the changes.

I'd get a good therapist and find out what's wrong with me so I dont screw it up the next time around.

It's quite sad when one hangs on and on and on and on when it is clearly over.......

It would depend on what the change was. I would not change my religion for the sake of my marriage as an example.

that's a lot of "what if's......."

It is not the mistake you made that matters as much as what you learn from it.

It depends I guess but ultimately if it doesn't matter now I would figure it out and try to fix it before it gets in the way again.

I made a change for myself, but never walked away. She had to as I just couldnt, obviously.

I hope you can get to the point where you can.

is it possible you are depressed? i know when i have been in that state of mind, i didn't have the strength or inspiration to move forward. you just feel worthless like giving up.

i think that may be something to explore first.. by taking small steps/changes in your life in order for you to feel better and more balanced. once that happens, you will have more tools to handle the other changes of which you speak.

we love you rman!!

Rman
I think you hit the nail on the head here with a lot of people and relationships.
There will always be things in a marraige that need to be changed on one sde or the other. The trick is people need to have the strength to help the other one when they are down.

I stuck with my Ex for 12 years of abuse from her and her mental illness's. When I was to the point that I couldnt give anymore and was all used up she left. We tried counciling and she wouldnt change anything and turned everything around to be my fault.
Now almost 2 years from the fialing I am a much happier person and so are my kids. In the end you can only change yourself and no one else. So I say think about your own happiness.

Ultimately, I ended my marriage because my EX was quite comfortable not being home. I told him I needed him to move home because marriage isn't part-time and I'm done being visited like a prisoner. He just wouldn't. It didn't matter how much MC we had, books we read, etc. He "had too much in his schedule to move home at this time" he said. Maybe it works for other people, but "being married" while "living separately" makes it damn hard to work on a marriage. Whenever he did come around, he would be annoyed I wanted to talk about us.
My point is, I actively did, and I am still actively working on making positive changes in my life. But, after almost a year separated, to have him tell me he wouldn't move home because then, basically, he would be losing his escape route, was the change I needed him to make to show how important we were.
I truly feel I did whatever I could to save my marriage. I even attempted to accept his infidelity, which was thrown on at the end on top of everything else. I don't know. Maybe I was the one hanging on, because he was clearly done...he just needed me to make the decision for us.

It can sad, but as for me, I could have just accepted the abuse and passive aggressive behavior; I did that for 19 years, I'd be damned if I did it for 20. Could I have just been quiet and be stepped on, and continute in a miserable marriage? You betcha! STBX would be happy in my marriage if she had me as a doormat, sorry, not gonna happen.

i want to know how a husband who works so hard and puts in such long hours winds up being the fall guy who has to change.

something isn't adding up, rman.

I gave this a lot of thought over the marriage. My final conclusion is that any changes I could make would have been meaningless because she was never willing to take responsibility for anything she did and according to her, had nothing to work on.

Anything I "fixed" would have been replaced with some new complaint, and many of those things that I did actually "fix" were her attempts at dismantling my own boundaries and support structure.

Best of luck to you!

Dave, women can be slick that way, can't they? I suspect that is what is going on at Rman's house. there is just no way that he should be made to feel the way that he does.

Rman, get some input and get on top of the situation.