Hello,  I am new here in search of an outside support system.  

In December, my husband and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage...that's if we make it.  We have hit yet another rough patch.  I can't tell you how discouraged I feel having hit this one.  Let me give a little background.

We married in 1998 and it was true love.  There's no doubt about that.  About 6-7 years in the 7 year itch ocurred and we had to overcome one of our most difficult obstacles that was infidelity.  Since then (about 15 years) we have truly fought to keep our family in tact.  It has not been easy.  Those folks that suggest that infidelity takes a year or two to get past are entirely sugar coating that.  It is something that changed us and our relationship suffered from for years.  With that said, it also made us stronger in many ways.  In 2008/2009 we separated for about 10 months.  Issues still resulting from the infidelity.  If I can advise ANYONE of anything in all of this...it is to seek professional help ASAP.  We should have done it earlier on, but my husband was opposed.  Well we finally got into true blue therapy and it did wonders.  It really helped us to re-connect.  

Fast forward to 2018.  I feel my husband puts very little effort into communicating when we disagree or have an issue.  He is a good time guy and basically checks out when the going gets rough.  Leaves me left holding the bag of emotions and feelings all on my own.  He shows no sign of empathy whatsoever and we can go days without resolving it.  My fear and anxiety get the best of me and I will beg him to work through it.  He just shuts down.  He will fall asleep and leave me anguishing all night into the next day into the next day into the next day.  He basically avoids any and all conflict or feelings.  It is not healthy and it is exhausting.  After 20 years of this type of pattern I feel myself becoming so worn down.  I feel that narcassitic personality of his is finally starting to push me to the brink and to the point of no return.  I need to be able to share my feelings and not be left alone or shut out carrying the issues on my shoulders.  He goes about his normal day eating, drinking, socializing, gaming, whatever...and I just feel so alone.  I realize counseling may be necessary once again and hope that I can convince him we need it.  But it is so discouraging.  After 20 years of truly fighting to keep us alive, I am questioning myself, my decisions, my resilience.  Why did I choose to try to make this work this long?  Why did I choose such a difficult life for myself? Should I have started over many years ago or should I just understand that all relationships hit the skids and all relationships go through these awful phases that leave you feeling alone, anxious, scared and hopeless.  Is this freaking normal?  

It is clear to me one of the biggest mistakes I have made in all of this is investing every ounce of energy into my relationship/family to the point of having no outside support.  I don't have family support (long story) and as far as friends go...I try not to share our nitty gritty marital details.  I have learned over the course of 20 years that sharing marital issues often cause problems all around for everyone.  So, I stay very private.  Ultimately, I feel that my husband knows I have no one to turn to, and he knows that if he ignores me for several days in this weakened state I will eventually sweep my feelings and hurt under the rug, stop crying or speaking about my hurt and I will simply move forward.... the best I can.  He knows me well enough to know that my biggest passion is to keep this family together and my biggest weakness is to gain enough strength to actually turn my back on him and leave the relationship.  He basically ignores me until I simmer down and give up.  That is what I am conditioned to do. 

Ok...  SO, how pathetic do you all think I am?  Does anyone identify with this at all?

Thank you for giving me an outlet that I so desperately needed.