Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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I have read on DS how many of you have had first-hand experience being married to a narcissist I am just beginning to become fully aware of the extent of abusive behavior my recently diagnosed stbx subjected me and my children to over the years. I am embarrassed that I tolerated so much; I guess I just really wanted to make my marriage work, and so I just worked harder whenever he showed bad behavior.
I am learning more about this personality disorder, but I was curious what the roller-coaster ride looked like for you guys. My stbx is detached and cool one minute (acts like he cant stand to be in my presence), then hes calling me at all hours of the day and night because he is so lonely and doesnt think he can do this (youre the only woman I have ever loved, I wanted to grow old with you, blah, blah, blah). And he is constantly pressuring me for a physical relationship (probably because he doesnt have any other options right now??). I am setting limits (definitely no to the physical stuff) but I also want to be cautious until the divorce is final (should be by June) because he can be a really vindictive guy. Will it take him getting a girlfriend for him to really move on (I have encouraged him to do this- although I feel guilty because I know what he will do to her life), or do they still come back when they need something? It is so obvious now when he is trying to butter me up I would have loved to hear these things when we were together- now they make my skin crawl. I now understand that his words are just a means to an end for him they are not really coming from a caring place. I am trying really hard to move on (I am trying to look at him like he is an entirely different man- not the man I married)- because now that I see him for who he really is, I dont really like him anymore. I have to admit though; his hot and cold behavior can still hurt me- although I really just dont want to care anymore. This is so confusing!!!
Any insight would be greatly appreciated!
I am learning more about this personality disorder, but I was curious what the roller-coaster ride looked like for you guys. My stbx is detached and cool one minute (acts like he cant stand to be in my presence), then hes calling me at all hours of the day and night because he is so lonely and doesnt think he can do this (youre the only woman I have ever loved, I wanted to grow old with you, blah, blah, blah). And he is constantly pressuring me for a physical relationship (probably because he doesnt have any other options right now??). I am setting limits (definitely no to the physical stuff) but I also want to be cautious until the divorce is final (should be by June) because he can be a really vindictive guy. Will it take him getting a girlfriend for him to really move on (I have encouraged him to do this- although I feel guilty because I know what he will do to her life), or do they still come back when they need something? It is so obvious now when he is trying to butter me up I would have loved to hear these things when we were together- now they make my skin crawl. I now understand that his words are just a means to an end for him they are not really coming from a caring place. I am trying really hard to move on (I am trying to look at him like he is an entirely different man- not the man I married)- because now that I see him for who he really is, I dont really like him anymore. I have to admit though; his hot and cold behavior can still hurt me- although I really just dont want to care anymore. This is so confusing!!!
Any insight would be greatly appreciated!
Must be that the narcissist ex took so much out of me that I craved someone (ANYONE) to put something (ANYTHING) back. I was left feeling so totally used and felt unloved and unattractive. When I did finally get well enough to actually NOTICE the opposite sex again, I guess a familiar personality type seemed comfortable to me.
And it is true that these traits get worse with age--my STBX seemed like a different person 13 years ago.
The hot and cold behavior was confusing to me as well....but when you understand how these people think, it makes more sense. The absolute lack of empathy that they have enables them to be cold in a way that is difficult for the rest of us to understand. The seeming warmth comes about because he wants something from you (sex, attention) and will manipulate you any way he can to get what he wants. Don't believe it--it's not sincere.
I am sorry you are going through this....I have been through it as well, and it's no fun.
My husband is a sexual addict as well....you mentioned that your STBX is "constantly pressuring" you for a "physical relationship." Do you think there's any chance he could be a sexual addict? If you are at all concerned, google that too.
Take care of yourself, and do not fall for his manipulation--it will take many and varied forms to get him what he wants.
Good luck, sweetie! ; )
I also recommend the Sam Vaknin website.
I feel so shocked when I read about narcissism.
How could I have let this go on so long? I've been married for 41 years. It was never good for me.
My therapist says that I have issues with having been raised by a narcissistic parent, so I was well-trained for my stbx. That's what attracted him--not any of my real strengths, just that I was easy to manipulate.
He is constantly telling me that he loves me, but what he means is that he loves the total obedience and devotion I have provided him with all these years, and he wants that back.
I'm finding that the least amount of contact with him is best for me. If I have to deal with him I start to feel sorry for HIM, and that leads me back into trying to fix the marriage.
It takes 2 people to have a healthy marriage. Your stbx is not willing to do his part, so you have to detach yourself as much as possible.
Unfortunately, the more the narcissist senses your detachment, the more he will use all his ways to make you feel guilty for hurting him when he is the one who hurt you.
It's hard, and there are days, like today, that I just want to give up and give in, but I know if I do that I will end up right back here.
Once you are not giving your husband his narcissistic fix, he will dump you without a thought for you or your feelings. It's all about him, and you are only there to provide him with total devotion and obedience, no matter how much he says he loves you. In fact, he will play the victim with friends and family. That is also hard for me to deal with.
Narcissists only love themselves.
Do as much research as you can on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and keep posting here. We understand your pain.
Hugs.
Lynne