Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm a 36 yr old born-again christian husband and father. My wife and I have been together for 10 years now, married for 7 yrs as of tomorrow. (08.25.14.) Which btw is when our divirce will be officially final. My wife and I had many difficulties in our marriage. I was an immature and selfish fool for most of the marriage. However; I loved her deeply and wanted badly to try to become a godly and loving husband to her. But my wife refused (continuously) to forgive even the smallest offense to her. She only said that she didn't have to forgive me because she was still "pissed off." Time and time again I begged my wife to try to make up with me and seek advice and counselling to repair our marriage. She refused. Eventually she refused to allow me to hug, kiss or touch her. She said that I was disgusting and unworthy of her love. As this occurred I became encased in a deep, long lasting depression. Eventually I even became suicidal. All I wanted was to reconcile with my wife. I longed to know her forgiveness and to feel our love once more growing inside us both. Another three years passed. Nothing changed. She would not allow me to sleep in the same bed with her, she told me I was worthless and I began to truly believe it. But deep down inside I still loved my bride. I still do to this day.
Eventually I made the worst mistake of my life. I cheated. Afterwards I wanted to die. I fought an incredibly strong urge to commit suicide for the next 2 years. Feeling hopeless, rejected and unloved, I made another horrible mistake, I filed divorce papers on my innocent wife. I immediately regretted doing it too. I tried to stop it. I tried to drag it out. It lasted more than a year. In the meantime she moved out and started dating. Finally after countless hours of prayer and heartache I gave in to her demands on her divorce settlement. It left me in total financial ruin and no say or rights as a father. I am occasionally permitted to see our daughter, but never for very long. This is largely because I am an emotional crying mess, and my meds dont even cut it anymore, my depression has now become a permanent raging oblivion.
I want to relate to you. I committed a sin that not only ruined my family, it ruined my entire life. And now that I am unlawfully divorced and an adulterer, I am condemned to live out the rest of my days lonely, aching for love and stricken with grief for the loss of my wife (who is now very happy with her new "sexy" boyfriend.) No matter how sorry I am, no matter how much I support her and my daughter, no matter how much i love her, no matter that God has forgiven me... because I am condemned to a life that I have come to hate with a seething passion.
So... if you want your life to become your very own little private circle of hell, then give adultery and divorce a try. It's a sure fire way to wish you were never born. In the end, its far worse than death, because in this kind of death, your body keeps right on living.
Eventually I made the worst mistake of my life. I cheated. Afterwards I wanted to die. I fought an incredibly strong urge to commit suicide for the next 2 years. Feeling hopeless, rejected and unloved, I made another horrible mistake, I filed divorce papers on my innocent wife. I immediately regretted doing it too. I tried to stop it. I tried to drag it out. It lasted more than a year. In the meantime she moved out and started dating. Finally after countless hours of prayer and heartache I gave in to her demands on her divorce settlement. It left me in total financial ruin and no say or rights as a father. I am occasionally permitted to see our daughter, but never for very long. This is largely because I am an emotional crying mess, and my meds dont even cut it anymore, my depression has now become a permanent raging oblivion.
I want to relate to you. I committed a sin that not only ruined my family, it ruined my entire life. And now that I am unlawfully divorced and an adulterer, I am condemned to live out the rest of my days lonely, aching for love and stricken with grief for the loss of my wife (who is now very happy with her new "sexy" boyfriend.) No matter how sorry I am, no matter how much I support her and my daughter, no matter how much i love her, no matter that God has forgiven me... because I am condemned to a life that I have come to hate with a seething passion.
So... if you want your life to become your very own little private circle of hell, then give adultery and divorce a try. It's a sure fire way to wish you were never born. In the end, its far worse than death, because in this kind of death, your body keeps right on living.
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Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
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My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...
Your recovery and healing will likely take longer than what you'd like but it will come about at some point in time. I understand how you feel dead inside, I've felt that feeling too for years and it will still hit me on occasions yet today but I remind myself that I have my life to live as I decide to live it regardless of standards either imposed by others or even the standards that I once held dear myself. Just because life isn't following our ideals doesn't mean we aren't living life. You need to think outside of the box, remove the blinders and allow yourself to see life can happen even though it's not according to our vision or plan. Even if we live into our 90's that is a short period of time. We get one go around and then it's over.
I know too well, it is your thoughts that have you dead inside. The way you, (we), deal with guilt, regret, loss, morals, ideals, ethics, standards, acceptance, and how we go about measuring ourselves. It's hard, very hard, but we can get control of our thoughts and view life much less critical and once again find joy that at one time we willfully cut out from our life, (since we are so undeserving).
You have some work ahead of you and accept it as a challenge, a journey, a part of life, and refrain from judging every little move you make. You weren't perfect before and you won't be perfect going forward. You're regrouping at the age of 36, I began my journey at the age of 49, (I'm 58 now), when my wife divorced me after a 29 year marriage. Talk about being set in my ways needing to be changed! It's a tremendous adjustment and while I STILL struggle in areas of my life they aren't overwhelming anymore and it's been years since I was in the basketcase stage. Time gives us the opportunity to process things, come to realizations and acceptance that what we thought was the ONLY way really was just ONE way.
Reduce your rigidity and you'll reduce your angst. Accept yourself, flaws and all. You don't have to fit into anyone's mold, not even yours. There's a balance between making life happen as we want it to and accepting the things that happen to us. We're not always in control and our ability to be flexible during the misadventures will determine whether we feel dead inside or alive living life. You need to let go. Let go of the vision that it can only be one way.
It's very sad that the marriage didn't work out - that you spent years trying to get the forgiveness from your wife - but what do you do at this point? - stop living because ONE person didn't respond like you would have liked? So what does that mean? - that YOU don't matter, YOU are no one without that person?
By how you presented your story I get the impression that your thoughts may have been your biggest enemy for a long time and yet you are a Christian - seek help in your church - seek private counseling, take steps to improve your situation. You are worthy - whether you are married or divorced. I sense you have a lot of past grief and hurt you need help with - there is help out there, there is hope.
Best wishes.
All I can tell you is to just put one foot in front of the other and eventually, you will get there. It will take time..lots of time. If you are not already, I would suggest getting some counseling. You have a lot of baggage you need to get rid of and I' not sure you can do it without counseling.
I'm so sorry for your pain and struggle. Keep your faith.
I remember when I cheated I wanted to commit suicide, too. I am also going through total devastation. It's like a damn nightmare. The BS is not always the victim in these stories. Most of them go on to live happy, fulfilled lives. My ex was out on a date soon after I confessed to him. Now where did this "new" woman come from? I felt pretty stupid confessing. But back to you...
I want you to stop calling yourself an adulterer. That's in the past. Don't label yourself by your past. If you're a Christian, then maybe you can read Biblical stories of heroes in Christianity that were big time adulterers/sinners (see David, Solomon, Saul/Paul).It seems like God took the worst types of people to spread his word. He didn't use goody two shoes...
Saul was killing Christians left and right. There are a lot of weirdos in the Bible who got chosen by God. I don't think what you did was anywhere near as corrupt as David killing Bathsheba's husband when he already had so many wives and concubines already. And goodness, I don't know how many women Solomon was screwing. So what you did was common. Being faithful is actually uncommon, which is sad to say. Just know there are others like you working on forgiving ourselves. We have to deal with the loss, the shame, the guilt, the regret. So much weight for one person to bear.
But one thing we have to do is attract happiness in our lives. I do a lot of negative self talk, too. But it's bad. Remember there is power in the tongue. Stop speaking death. As I type this, I am telling myself the same because I just wrote a journal entry hating myself. But this is what my mom tells me, "You deserve to be happy."
So after I take a nap, I'm going out to Walmart so I can make a poster that says, "I'm a good person. I deserve to be happy." Then I'm going to draw a big ass smiley face under the message. I will also get myself a new teddy bear since the one I used to sleep with was the one my ex and I built together. When I get mad at myself, I hug myself and give myself a kiss. I know this all sounds crazy, but the only way I can see me getting past it is trying to attract happiness to my life and loving myself.
So I say to you, you deserve to be happy. You were remorseful; you tried to make amends; and you've been punishing yourself for years. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
When God forgives us, he forgets our sin and places it as far as the East is from the West and it is remembered no more.
You are having issues of forgiving yourself for your actions but, God has forgiven you. Don't let Satan hold this guilt cloud over you and move on with your life and watch God still bless you. I have known great preachers who have been divorced. I have been in the ministry now for 39 years and I am a divorced man. God is a God of second chances and no where have I found that Divorce is an unforgiveable sin.
Some of the replies (though often well written and well intentioned) lack the understanding that illuminates the true nature of this kind of situation. For those of us who have ever endured an unwanted divorce, for those who have had their mate ripped from their hearts and arms, they have that understanding. They know the feelings which often cannot be related effectively. They suffer (often in silence and the darkness of sleepless nights) that deep emotional and spiritual pain that seems to know no limit.
Not everyone experiences love and intimacy in such a deep and profound way. It is clear to me, that many men and many women simply do not have the capacity for that kind of unconditional love. In fact, unconditional love seems to be running in ever shorter supply tgese days. A few months ago, my 6 yr old daughter came to me (I could tell she was hurting) tears welled up inside her crystal blue eyes. She asked me something I will never forget. "Daddy, Why didn't God make families to last for forever?" We hugged, we both cried a lil bit. And I told her, "Sweetie, God did make families to last forever. It's just that people don't always listen to Him." To which she replied, "That's SO sad!" And it is.
I understand that I need to try to live through this event. I know that I am not the only one at fault. But I cannot help but express that for some people, they bond forever and they love deeper (much, much deeper than others.)
For those that have suggested.. I have a very good psychologist, who I see weekly. I have been on antidepressants for over a year now. The meds help quite a bit (improve my affect noticeably. ) I am active in a local Divorce Care group as well as a men's group. I have many very good friends and a big Jewish family. Support is never hard to find with a family like mine. Alone time and quiet can be a little harder to find. ;-)