Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm a 36 yr old born-again christian husband and father. My wife and I have been together for 10 years now, married for 7 yrs as of tomorrow. (08.25.14.) Which btw is when our divirce will be officially final. My wife and I had many difficulties in our marriage. I was an immature and selfish fool for most of the marriage. However; I loved her deeply and wanted badly to try to become a godly and loving husband to her. But my wife refused (continuously) to forgive even the smallest offense to her. She only said that she didn't have to forgive me because she was still "pissed off." Time and time again I begged my wife to try to make up with me and seek advice and counselling to repair our marriage. She refused. Eventually she refused to allow me to hug, kiss or touch her. She said that I was disgusting and unworthy of her love. As this occurred I became encased in a deep, long lasting depression. Eventually I even became suicidal. All I wanted was to reconcile with my wife. I longed to know her forgiveness and to feel our love once more growing inside us both. Another three years passed. Nothing changed. She would not allow me to sleep in the same bed with her, she told me I was worthless and I began to truly believe it. But deep down inside I still loved my bride. I still do to this day.
Eventually I made the worst mistake of my life. I cheated. Afterwards I wanted to die. I fought an incredibly strong urge to commit suicide for the next 2 years. Feeling hopeless, rejected and unloved, I made another horrible mistake, I filed divorce papers on my innocent wife. I immediately regretted doing it too. I tried to stop it. I tried to drag it out. It lasted more than a year. In the meantime she moved out and started dating. Finally after countless hours of prayer and heartache I gave in to her demands on her divorce settlement. It left me in total financial ruin and no say or rights as a father. I am occasionally permitted to see our daughter, but never for very long. This is largely because I am an emotional crying mess, and my meds dont even cut it anymore, my depression has now become a permanent raging oblivion.
I want to relate to you. I committed a sin that not only ruined my family, it ruined my entire life. And now that I am unlawfully divorced and an adulterer, I am condemned to live out the rest of my days lonely, aching for love and stricken with grief for the loss of my wife (who is now very happy with her new "sexy" boyfriend.) No matter how sorry I am, no matter how much I support her and my daughter, no matter how much i love her, no matter that God has forgiven me... because I am condemned to a life that I have come to hate with a seething passion.
So... if you want your life to become your very own little private circle of hell, then give adultery and divorce a try. It's a sure fire way to wish you were never born. In the end, its far worse than death, because in this kind of death, your body keeps right on living.
Eventually I made the worst mistake of my life. I cheated. Afterwards I wanted to die. I fought an incredibly strong urge to commit suicide for the next 2 years. Feeling hopeless, rejected and unloved, I made another horrible mistake, I filed divorce papers on my innocent wife. I immediately regretted doing it too. I tried to stop it. I tried to drag it out. It lasted more than a year. In the meantime she moved out and started dating. Finally after countless hours of prayer and heartache I gave in to her demands on her divorce settlement. It left me in total financial ruin and no say or rights as a father. I am occasionally permitted to see our daughter, but never for very long. This is largely because I am an emotional crying mess, and my meds dont even cut it anymore, my depression has now become a permanent raging oblivion.
I want to relate to you. I committed a sin that not only ruined my family, it ruined my entire life. And now that I am unlawfully divorced and an adulterer, I am condemned to live out the rest of my days lonely, aching for love and stricken with grief for the loss of my wife (who is now very happy with her new "sexy" boyfriend.) No matter how sorry I am, no matter how much I support her and my daughter, no matter how much i love her, no matter that God has forgiven me... because I am condemned to a life that I have come to hate with a seething passion.
So... if you want your life to become your very own little private circle of hell, then give adultery and divorce a try. It's a sure fire way to wish you were never born. In the end, its far worse than death, because in this kind of death, your body keeps right on living.
I really do hope you can move past this, and I wish you the best of luck. I think you're looking at it with blinders on, though.
I realize that your words have good intention, but you do not have a correct understanding of unconditional love as it concerns the biblical concept of marriage as God designed it. What you have said thus far echoes only a human perspective which seeks to impose an innate sense of fairness upon marriage. God's ways are not man's ways. Marriage is not a human institution with human rules. Marriage is a divine covenant between a man and a woman and God. It is acknowledged and documented legally by the state, it is witnessed by members of the community as well as family and friends to complete this ritual and enforce the concept further. Sad to say, most non-christians treat marriage as if it were a long-term boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with legal acknowledgement and documentation (a long term courtship.)
You are entitled to whatever opinion you choose, but I strongly disagree with your view of unconditional love and your view on the marriage concept. Marriage is forever.
Anyway, you have to do what you think is best. If it's never letting yourself move on and be happy ever again, then that is your decision. You are right in the fact that these words are just my opinion, and you are entitled to yours too, obviously. I don't rule the board by any means. I just think when someone comes here for advice as to how to move on from a traumatic breakup, giving them advice to wait for the other person and just love them to death no matter how you're treated in return, is really harmful. People here are in the most fragile of emotional states a lot of times, fresh off a breakup or divorce. It is just such a bad idea to tell that person to keep the faith, and basically, if you love them enough, they might come back. Despite what you say, non-Christians, and non-believers in general, can and do experience unconditional love. Those who are emotionally abused, including yourself, deserve a chance at happiness, even if the Bible says you're supposed to stay married forever.
I'm going to bow out because I feel as though this is going to devolve into a discussion/argument about religion, and it would be an eternal stalemate. I wish you the best, and I really do hope once you've had some time to process everything that's happened, that you'll view things differently, for the sake of your child. I can't imagine if she were being the same way you are in a relationship, that you'd tell her to stay in it.
Be well.
I agree with that statement but I can't meter who has that capacity and who doesn't - I mean to me, cheating on a spouse isn't a demonstration of unconditional love - not judging b/c I have no room to judge anyone.
Sounds by what you said on your last post like you have a great support system, you are attending counseling, etc. So perhaps your post was to let us know that cheating brings on hell as well as divorce - and I do belive cheating is terrible and overcoming a split is tough - yet I do not believe that life is hell and I think is very worth living no matter the trials we face. When I think about unconditional love, it starts with me, I have to love myself that way first - just like God loves me - there's no room for suicidal thoughts when I feel unconditional love. But we are all different and have different outlooks - so all we can do is apply what we know is best.
Wishing you tons of peace.
You seem to be trying to play God in your own life. Surrender it all to him. Let him make the best of the mess. Love your exwife by all means. But learn to do so without interfering in her life or making it the sole purpose of yours.
I apologize if this sounds harsh at all. I know people who believe in the nondivorce decree. They tend to pick certain sins and take a stand on those and forget all the others. God doesn't want his children to live in sin. Any kind of it . Have you told a white lie? Had a negative thought about that bad driver who cut you off? Why do those matter less than divorce? Please work on letting God's love and grace embrace and heal you. You can be such an advocate for him.
Please consider that life exists after sin. Read the accounts of David. :) and Saul/Paul.
You are in my prayers as is ur daughter
I am divorced. I do not hate my XW. I want good things for her, and growth and peace and understanding. But I also understand that she had an... outlook on life which meant that she could attack me however she wanted - do whatever she pleased, and it was ok with her. Meanwhile, if I did anything other than what she wanted me to do, I was committing an unforgivable sin in her eyes.
In divorcing her, I gained a space between us wherein I could love her from a distance as much or as little as I chose. She hates the space. She's super angry and frightened and even threatened by my choices. Divorce is a horrible thing - but it is not always the worst thing. It's definitely not a sin.
God loves you as you love your own children. I know, with my kids, sometimes they make a mistake - fall off a bike. They skin their knee. They wail and cry and hurt. It does hurt - I've done it before. I feel badly for them. However, often, they keep crying. The pain has not ebbed, the wound remains; but they still could choose - and do, at times - to get up and soldier on. To stop focusing on the blood and the pain and the fear and mistakes, and focus instead on the sunshine and wind and friends around them. How much more does God want to see you continue to live, in spite of the pain?
It's hard. Study. In knowledge, there is power. I'd advise you to speak with a therapist, AND with your pastor, and fellow members of the church. Learn to manage that pain, so that it does not continue to cripple you. God wants to see you running and laughing again, and He never will until you choose to rise off your mat and walk.
This is the way your innocent little wife has used you over the past years and it should not be OK for anyone to be treated like that.
You said you were an immature, selfish fool for most of the marriage, then you cheated. Because of your behavior, you could not have a clue what being in a relationship and having unconditional love for EACH OTHER is. Your innocent wife certainly does NOT have unconditional love for you and you certainly do not have unconditional love for her.
Unconditional love is almost non existent now days. I lived with my grandparents. They lived it every day. They were married for 60 years. They never fought and NEVER did or said ANYTHING to hurt the other one. THAT is unconditional love.
'Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.'
Please allow yourself to grieve, and then you can start on the path to healing.
Before, during and now after our marriage I have made thousands of sacrifices for her well being an happiness. Even now, I choose to love her, as she loves another married man. I may not have a relationship with my bride, but my heart is filled with love for her and I choose to act on that love in self - sacrifice. I can gain nothing from my sacrifice for her, she firmly believes that I need to support her and help pay for my mistakes during our marriage. I know it's not fair. She makes the same amount of money that I do and yet she gets 48% of my income. I realize that the consequences of this divorce will undoubtedly last a lifetime for all three of us. I am fine with sacrificing for my wife, but I cant help but hate myself for taking the path that led us all to this horrible place.
As for me, I once had hope. I used to think that I could hold on to life and find some small measure of happiness and fulfillment. I no longer believe this. For today I am alive. I truly hate my life and look forward to the day when it finally ends. I know it is selfish to want it, but I am deeply wounded and cannot heal. Sometimes the sick need to die. It is an unpleasant fact.