Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Jules
Don't do it.
Why? One, you're still legally married. Two, it doesn't matter how they act, it doesn't matter how inevitable the divorce is, the simple truth lies in that one should do what is right. I don't disagree with an occasional social hang out. But, that can be a gray line as well. Emotional Affairs in a healthy marriage often start when people "just hang out". In a broken marriage, the risks are even higher. Why? Because the other person will fill emotional needs that are not being filled.
Now, I know others will have their opinion. And, that's ok. But, if you really are a religious person, ask what your religion believes. (Most, christian faiths believe it is adultery to date during divorce.) Ask what you really believe in your heart. And, act from there.
It is not a great idea to date early in the healing process. You need to recover fully and get perspective, although there are urges to distract yourself that way.
I meant to say I have no hopes of ever getting back together!
Wow could that be a fraudian slip? (Dont know if I spelled fraudian right)
Jules, that really sucks. I think what your step son is saying breaks my heart. What kind of sucky example is your stbx (soon to be ex0 giving his son? Your step son is lucky to have such a great support system.
I don't think you need to warn the OW (other woman). She will find out in due time, right?
Hang in there! You sound like you are doing well, considering...
Two words of advice: 1) Get a good attorney and make sure you are taken care of financially; 2) Get a good counselor. You will need to deal with the emotional fallout from divorce. You sound like you are doing very well but there will still be moments of saddness, grief and anger to deal with.
Sending loads of hugs!
Jenrob73: I feel your pain, believe me I do, but I do have some advice for you. You need to replace your words to yourself and the words you write with something positive. Words are very powerful, you can make yourself depressed using negative words over and over. They become a mantra and just push you down. For example: you wrote, I have no hopes of ever getting back together, I let that go a while ago. From now on, replace that sentence with: I am going to have a great life, I am going to do new things, meet new people. I will not let this destroy me, I will be better and stronger than I ever was, and when I look back on this phase of my life, I will realize that I had to go through this to become the awesome woman I am today. Please try and replace everything with a positive. You will be amazed at how well it works. Everything does happen for a reason, God's will, whatever you want to call it. There is a great future and even greater happiness in store. Please join a gym, or whatever it is you love to do, get yourself out of the house, and when the thoughts of doom and gloom hit you, throw your arms up and say: NO, NO, I am not going to do this, and replace it with: I have now begun a new adventure in my life and I am going to give it all that I have!! You go girl!!
Bridget52: You know Bridget, I have had thoughts of calling her up and saying: do you realize he is still married? He hasn't even signed the papers yet. Then, my logical side tells me: Jules, I don't think you ought to do that, you could get a whole bunch of ---- thrown your way you might not like. So, as of right now, my logical side is winning. :-)
Hurtinand: Thanks for the good advice. I do have the financial side taken care of, but like I mentioned above, he hasn't signed the papers. He is supposed to be served this week by mail. It will have the asset/liability forms included. I think he is in love and will sign without any hesitation. I have found out so many other things about this affair. In fact yesterday, a friend of a friend of the girlfriend's told me that my husband's girlfriend told her that about a year ago she was seeing a guy named Gary she really liked, but she found out he was married and was going to quit seeing him. So, the affair started much, much longer ago than I ever imagined. He did lose about 25 lbs a year ago and has kept it off. I should have know something was up. Duh. :-)
He has been gone approx two months and when he first left my stress level went down tremendously and for the most part stays down until he is coached by the girlfriend regarding the divorce settlement (we had agreed upon everything before he moved out) which he is trying to change now -- like asking for half of my inheritance -- pretty pathetic. I know the girlfriend is quite involved because people who know her have called to warn me what's up.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, but I know once everything settles down we will be okay and probably much better off.
Looking back now the last two years have been extremely difficult. I started going to a counselor and have been told that he was emtionally and verbally abusing me a little bit at a time without me realizing it. I kept thinking I must not be doing things right.
The thing is, if you do get back together with him can you ever really trust him not to do the same thing again?
Sometimes I think, well, if my soon to be ex-husband gets some counseling maybe things would be different and they might be for a while, but I know I will always be waiting for him to pull the same thing again.
We're both too good to allow ourselves to be treated with such disregard and deserve to be with someone who will treat us as well as we treat them.
Pointless because the new GF or BF won't believe you thinking you are jealous, being vindictive.... down the road you'll hear about their spats and remember having the same issues with the ex.
So
They will - like we did - find out through personal experience.