Im sorry that you are hurting.....

I know its tough, but you have to allow her to have a relationship with her father. Like it or not.

If anything, if he wasnt willing to step up to the plate and play an active role in her life, but is now, I would be grateful for that.

My ex husband has NOTHING to do with my son. He talks to him maybe 4 times per YEAR and only sees him once per YEAR.

And I see and hear and feel all of the pain it brings to my child. He feels abandoned by his father. Because he has been. Although I no longer have feelings for my ex... I wish he could be a good father. But he cant. Hes not capable. And Ive had to learn to make peace with that.

Children are very empathic. They easily pick up on our emotions.

She needs to have a relationship with her dad. By straining it or standing in the way, she may end up angry at you for doing so. Let her draw her own conclusions about him on her own, in a healthy way.

wishing you the best....

of all the sacrifices mothers make for their children, this is a big important one

girls especially need a relationship with their fathers

i cant tell you the number of at-risk teen girls i've worked with who struggle with self-esteem issues, self-destructive and self-injury tendencies, borderline personality disorder, drug abuse, sexual promiscuity, and the list goes on -- who dont have a relationship with their fathers.

We love our children, we want to protect them, keep them safe and healthy, and raise them soi they can have productive, satisfying lives. We just cant sabotage their relationships with their fathers.

This is where love is really tested.

Do you love your daughter, MORE than you hate your ex?

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I can imagine the pain you are feeling. Don't put yourself first, please. Your daughter needs her father. My ex has walked away from his daughter. She feels that pain EVERY day. It is awful. You can rant and rave and throw things while she is away with him. When she returns, she's all yours again.

My X is a decent dad with our son. He's good about paying support and getting him when he is supposed to.

That being said, my X is also someone who puts himself first, and my son doesn't realize it. It used to bug me that, when my son would go with his dad, he would be all excited and have fun because the entire time we were married, by X never even once took him to a playground. It's inherently knowing how much work YOU do in raising the kid, which also includes the grief we get because, well, parents aren't perfect, but then seeing the kids have a great time with someone involved as little as possible is aggravating...

...that is how I felt two years ago. Now that we are all "used" to the situation, I don't feel that way. My X was a lousy husband, but he's a good Dad. My son has fun with him, is safe with him, and that in turn, makes me happy. It would be a devastating feeling to think when your child is with her/his dad, that they are in danger, or unhappy.

A 13 yr old girl especially needs a father. The marriage ended, but who her parents are didn't,

Regardless of what your ex did to you, he didn't do it to her. It sucks that it takes this for her to actually have a relationship with her father, but at least she still wants one.

I can so relate to what you are going through (minus the cheating husband....mine was just abusive). However, my ex lured our teenage kids back home with him and turned them against me. It was a very painful time for me, but I had to let them go. It took 4 long years for my youngest to see (without a word from me) what her father was up to.....the other kids.....have mental illness and would have flown the coup anyways.
The thing is to let the child see for themselves without you interfering and hopefully it turns out that BOTH parents give the child freedom to have a relationship with the other parent....it's really not a biggie.
The thing I see as the real issue is your anger that is strictly between you and your stbx/ex which does not involve your child at all. I know the frustration all to well and know that without your expressing it, the feelings will wreak all kinds of health issues down the road (I'm speaking from experience). My therapists suggestion to me (I have massive anxiety issues) in ridding myself of the pent up anger, frustrations, and other negative emotions is to get a punching bag and gloves and go at it!!!!! She told me to attach a picture of whomever or whatever is causing me anger and stress to the punching bag and beat the heck out of it. I've got the gloves and am now scouting craig's list for a punching bag (I could make one too).
This is just a suggestion and perhaps you can find a method that would work for you. Best of luck (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

Be thankful her Dad is at least there and for the moment willing and trying. Hopefully it lasts. Its really important for kids to have both parents, even if they are no longer together.

You may not like her Dad and think alot of what he is doing is B.S., but roll your eyes and shake it off. Just keep reminding yourself "It doesn't really matter".

And be the best mother you can be.

Thank you for all your posts. So now let me clear up some issues. Yes I am bitterly angry at my stbx. You guys are telling me to be grateful that he is in her life. But how can I be happy that he has already told our daughter that she is fat and lazy? He controls everything she does to the point she comes to me bawling that she never wants to see him again. Or she complains that there is no reason to be at her dads because he doesn't pay her any attention because he is always w his gf. Good example, he was fired last friday. Been home all week w the gf. Decided to go crabbing today. Got home and took a nap w the gf and was late getting our daughter to her dental appointment. Which was not just a cleaning. She had two teeth extracted and she was terrified. Instead of staying there to help settle her, he dropped and rolled. Didn't offer to pay a penny towards the bill. In a hurry to get back to the gf. So how can I be happy that he wants to be in her life? All he really wants to do us continue to control us, however he can .

Your initial post indicates that she wants to be with him. Now you post that she doesn't??? Don't understand......

Please don't take this as anything other than trying to help:

Your initial post was very you vs. girlfriend heavy. It's clear you are having a very difficult time processing that your x left you and has another female in his life. It came off like you were angry with your daughter that she would have the "nerve" to enjoy her father...

...kids enjoy their parents...that's just how it is. I could sit, be pissed, raise holy hell that my X cheated on me and I still have to watch and hear how much my son loves him and loves being with him. He wasn't a good husband, but he's a good father...that's why I'm ok with it.

Your response pot told a totally different story. Your daughter wanting to be there, versus sobbing and begging not to go, are two,very different things. If my son sobbed at the thought of seeing his Dad, girlfriend or not, I would immediately address the concern with my X to see why?

That's the hardest part about being divorced with kids...even though the marriage ended, the kids are still here...these are still their parents...so that's why it's SO important for the parents to put their BS behind them and truly do what is best for their kids, which is to give them both parents, mentall stable, healthy, and being the best for their kids they can be.

wasnt there a confusing element like this the last time this subject came up?

I suspect there are conflicting feelings and thoughts for everybody involved then

I actually had a mediator tell me I just wan't "over him" and it was my responsibility to encourage my son to have a relationship with his dad's gf and stepbrother when his dad was overseas. THAT was an awesome conversation. After my son found out there was yet another kid with some other woman as well (he even got remarried, all while still legally married to me, what a moron!) My son sees the kind of man his dad is, they have a good relationship, but man I enjoy that he lives 2000 miles away now! And my son makes conscious decisions to NOT be like his ather in so many ways. My son loves us both, but I know I have a much closer relationship wth him that his dad will never have. You must be strong and just be there for your daughter no matter what she's feeling about her dad. Let her vent to you, and just be supportive, even if you have to bite your tongue. Kids are smart and know who is really there for them, and who isn't. I promise it will be worth it to keep your opinions to yourself. Come on here & let it all out,go for a run, take a kickboxing class, buy a punching bag, I find letting it out physically helps me let go of the emotional things. So sorry, but I understand what you're going through, and taking the high road is never wrong.

" taking the high road is never wrong. "

classic.. very nice indeed..

(((((( cmshinn )))))))) Sorry you are hurting

Joyride yes there was another issue like this that eventually worked itself out.

Everyone else ..... Yes this situation is two fold. One day she wants to be with her daddy then when she sees him, she remembers why she doesn't.

I get torn in the middle with each of her emotions. I guess as her mom, I try to keep her from getting hurt. Because I remember her tears and anger towards him. She is so forgiving that she allows him to walk in and out on a whim. Where I am here every single day.

We are both riding the emotional rollercoaster with him. I have done it for years while she was blind to it. Now she has jumped on board. I can't say that I am good at dealing with my own pain, because I am not. But when I see someone toying with one of my kids. I go freakin' nuts. I always have. Even with my step kids. You can mess with me, but not my kids.

And thats what he is doing, intentionally or unintentionally, he is toying with her.

I really need to learn how to step back and let the situation play itself out. Then be there to comfort our daughter.

I'm sorry if my posts have been confusing. I have very strong moments, but when I'm beat down, I am a train wreck waiting to happen. That is why I come here to ds and vent. You guys always bring me back and I am sooooo grateful.

I am so sorry that your daughter is struggling so much, this is my biggest fear that the kids will someday want to be with there dad.

My children's father never took them to the park, for a walk, bike ride etc. Not even once did he do the normal daily grind stuff I did, yet about 6 months after he left he started doing it all.

I was so angry the day they came back and told me that their dad not only took them for a walk, to the park, and they walked do Dairy Queen for a Sundae. I was shaking with anger....how come suddenly he could do the things he never did before.

I actually talked to him about it a few weeks later, and I asked him why he was suddenly becoming a great dad to the kids. He admitted that now that he was a single parent, he didn't know what to do with them for a weekend. He realized that the boring stuff like the park, or a walk etc . was needed otherwise they stayed in and watched TV all day.

Your daughter like my kids is probably willing to take whatever she can from him, and sadly you have to find a way to be happy for her.

My therapist tells me that when my kids complain about their dad that I need to say "That's too bad, I'm sorry your feeling that way" and end it right there.

I'm not supposed to help them too much, because I have no control over what he does with them. I can't try and help them work through problems with their dad other than to say "thanks for sharing, have you talked to your dad about how you feel"

(((HUGS)))) I know this is so hard, I thought signing the final divorce papers was then end, but I've just come to realize that this will never end.