Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
After spending a month in a non-ideal situation living with my parents (to get away from my cheating stbx for my own sanity), I moved into my new place last Thursday.
It has been good and bad. Things have been completely nuts with all the work involved, and unfortunately there is still a lot to be done. I still have things at the old house and at my parents' house. My move is a significant downsizing so I am also trying to consider how to fit things into the new place, and what and how to sell some things as well. Unfortunately I will have to sell some of my guitar/music equipment. I had my dream office/music room at my old house, but that is no longer a possibility at the new townhouse.
I have also had custody of my daughter for most of this time - and it has been a holiday weekend - so there has been so much going on that I feel like I've made so little progress on the move itself and getting settled into the new place. Lots of stress.
On the first day I moved in, I had a few really good hours. It felt like a new beginning, a real break from the toxicity. But that has receded and I've been pretty down over the last 3-4 days. I'm not entirely sure why. I think it is a mix of things:
- feeling like I'm not making much progress getting settled
- feeling like I am losing some of the nice aspects of my old house and moving "backwards" in life
- more reality of what is happening with divorce smacking me in the face
Also the previous tenants had a dog and I've been trying to get dog smell out of the carpet. Not easy. And I noticed these TINY little black bugs in the bathroom and have since learned (thanks internet) that I have carpet beetles. Yay. Now I have to try to deal with that.
I have a couple more nights with my daughter and then I will have 5 days without her. That will be an interesting period - seeing how I feel with a 5 day stretch completely alone in the new place.
There have been good moments where I feel new freedom and enjoy aspects of the new place (especially the location), but I think all the moving and not-being-settled stress has held them back. And I have been too tired and busy to workout for a week. But I worked out today and it felt good.
I also feel like my self esteem has cycled down again. Not sure why - maybe stress and fatigue and/or the fact that I have not had the time/energy to try to do those "get out and be social" things that we are supposed to do to help recover from all this shock and pain. I guess my anger level has dropped a little, but some sadness is creeping in so I'm not sure that is good.
In summary, a little up, a lot down, and a confusing mix of factors and triggers leaving me in a general funk.
It has been good and bad. Things have been completely nuts with all the work involved, and unfortunately there is still a lot to be done. I still have things at the old house and at my parents' house. My move is a significant downsizing so I am also trying to consider how to fit things into the new place, and what and how to sell some things as well. Unfortunately I will have to sell some of my guitar/music equipment. I had my dream office/music room at my old house, but that is no longer a possibility at the new townhouse.
I have also had custody of my daughter for most of this time - and it has been a holiday weekend - so there has been so much going on that I feel like I've made so little progress on the move itself and getting settled into the new place. Lots of stress.
On the first day I moved in, I had a few really good hours. It felt like a new beginning, a real break from the toxicity. But that has receded and I've been pretty down over the last 3-4 days. I'm not entirely sure why. I think it is a mix of things:
- feeling like I'm not making much progress getting settled
- feeling like I am losing some of the nice aspects of my old house and moving "backwards" in life
- more reality of what is happening with divorce smacking me in the face
Also the previous tenants had a dog and I've been trying to get dog smell out of the carpet. Not easy. And I noticed these TINY little black bugs in the bathroom and have since learned (thanks internet) that I have carpet beetles. Yay. Now I have to try to deal with that.
I have a couple more nights with my daughter and then I will have 5 days without her. That will be an interesting period - seeing how I feel with a 5 day stretch completely alone in the new place.
There have been good moments where I feel new freedom and enjoy aspects of the new place (especially the location), but I think all the moving and not-being-settled stress has held them back. And I have been too tired and busy to workout for a week. But I worked out today and it felt good.
I also feel like my self esteem has cycled down again. Not sure why - maybe stress and fatigue and/or the fact that I have not had the time/energy to try to do those "get out and be social" things that we are supposed to do to help recover from all this shock and pain. I guess my anger level has dropped a little, but some sadness is creeping in so I'm not sure that is good.
In summary, a little up, a lot down, and a confusing mix of factors and triggers leaving me in a general funk.
It sounds like you are right where you should be. You're seeing the good and the bad and acknowledging them both... that is great! That means you will go through the bad, and live in the good. Keep making your place--your place.
Periods of growth are uncomfortable, that is the case for me... and uncomfortable is often full of mixed emotion.
I hope that you get settled in, rid the place of those carpet beetles, and find yourself in a serene moment with a smile on your face sometime in the weeks to come.
PS. Thanks for sharing this, I feel like this is a soon-to-be page from my life.
Expect the roller coaster. I think you are right about where your feelings are coming from, and that it is a combination of all of those things, and then some that you may not be seeing yet.
Take things one day at a time. Moving is such a pain in the ass, and it takes time. Rarely is anyone completely moved in and settled after a couple months, let alone a week. You will get there. Try and enjoy your new place and the freedom you now have. Decorate how you want, rearrange things the way you like. You no longer have to worry about someone else's opinion, it is all your place.
Hang in there. It will all come together. You are still in the eye of the storm, but are working your way out.
I was unsettled for about three months. I went from a 3,700 square foot dream home with only four years left on the mortgage to an 800 square foot apartment. I went from a house full of kids, to absolute silence when my son is not here. I bought a body pillow to be next to me in bed - sounds kind of pathetic but it really helped me.
I am glad you are having moments of recognizing the positives too. That is very important to help combat that downward spiral. I suspect you will do just fine and "settle in" within a few months.
As for dog scent, look for "Nature's Miracle" spray treatment. It is an enzyme treatment that works better than anything I've ever seen.
Hugs to you. Don't rush things or overdo, just take your time getting set up and sorting through the keep/sell list.
if you ponder all the negative.. it just brings you down and its a horrible place to be.. I hear you though, I've been stuck there myself the last few days..
focus on the positives if you can.. just take things a day at a time.. its your space.. make it your own :)
hugs to you.. dont be a superhero.. you dont have to be.. we're all only human, and this is a very hard change in our lives.. we're here for you :)
Can you store some of your music equipment? You may get to have another dream office again.
You're making it through, keep going! Your place will come together and you will have a cozy, warm, and welcoming place for you and your daughter.
Pinterest has some great organizing ideas to help with storage.
I still feel like I'm making very little progress in getting settled, but I now attribute that at least partially to these little bug pests I'm dealing with. I thought they were carpet beetles. Now I'm not sure. Either way they are annoying and are consuming a lot of my attention and energy, as I want to feel comfortable (and clean!) in my new place. I spent a lot of time today spraying areas both inside and out to try to work on this problem. So far I am not seeing good results, but this may take time. It is very frustrating as it is really preventing me from settling in and feeling comfortable.
There is still the stress of the downsizing and what to do with all my stuff. But I think that is the lesser stress. I know I will figure something out, and I'm willing to sell some amount of my equipment without too much pain (maybe 20%). My sister has offered some basement storage space also, although some items (guitars) may not do well in a basement. But amplifiers and empty guitar cases (bulky!) may be fine.
After I bring my daughter to camp tomorrow, stbx has her for 5 days. That will also give me a lot more free time to get things done. I think I am also dealing with the frustration that since my move I have not really had full, free days to get things done. There has just been too much else going on.
Still struggling. Hoping for some positive signs and a feeling of progress.
The best I can say is - be kind to yourself. Set a couple of manageable goals each day and try to do the most important one as soon as you get up. Maybe it will give you some momentum.
Despite the bugs (yuck yuck. Yuck!!!!!) does it feel good to have your own space again?