Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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SPilgrim10 12/10/2010

Well, it's just like the subject says. I wake up around the same time everyday, mostly for work. But I will lay in my bed for an hour, feeling miserable about things and I can't bring myself to get out of bed until I had to get ready for work.

And I was doing well last night but this morning it came back and it's mostly my own fault. So quick backstory, I was with my wife for 6 years, married for 2, and last month, she decided she wanted a divorce (and it was filed earlier this week). The reason I made myself miserable today is something I'm not proud of. See, I know her passwords to her email and Facebook accounts and I had been checking them a few times these last couple of weeks. I know I shouldn't do that but it's hard not knowing what is going on in her life (or what she is thinking). So I am fighting the urge to check them. Especially since the last time I checked, her friends Allie and Erica were talking about taking a vacation together again and she was very interested in it.

It was painful to see that she would be able to get on with life and I would probably still be miserable at that point. And it's with people I thought were on my side. I know they were close with her, but when all of this started, they felt really bad for me and I thought they would really stand by me and not want anything to do with her for hurting me, especially because I dont deserve this (I treated her well, I was a great guy, etc.). I know I can't ask that of them but it still hurts to know she can go on like that. And I can't. I know I've seen things on here where people talk about how a couple can be at different stages of this process. And she has been ready for this for a long time. But it's not fair that I have to suffer while she goes on as if nothing is wrong. Besides my friends and family, I'm really having a hard time finding reasons to be happy. My job sucks, I have to stay in this house with all of the memories we shared (I asked her to move in with friends last month), and all my friends are married (some with kids) so they don't always have time for a mess like me. I want her back so bad and it's so hard to explain to people why I do. I wish I didn't have to feel this way. Any thoughts or prayers would be greatly appreciated.

deleted_user 12/10/2010

deleted_user 12/10/2010

I definitely feel for you it is everything you describe. When they decide to tell us they don't want us anymore they have usually already been thinking about it for awhile. The one left behind always suffers the most because it is just happening to them where the partner has already grieved and is ready to move on. It is up to you to focus on YOU, friends are great but they have their own lives and sometimes don't truly understand what we are going through.You need to stop checking on HER it will only make YOU more upset as hard as it is. I cut all contact with my ex while I was trying to grieve and heal and it helped a lot, (WILLPOWER).I still have a bad day here and there but I stay busy and reconnected with friends. Take walks, join a gym, rearrange and add your touch to the house. i care and I will be thinking of you.HUGS

SPilgrim10 12/10/2010

Thank you both for your posts.

Oestonee, I like all the links you posted. I've seen a lot of your posts and you are very helpful in everything I've seen. I've been going through and copying the good stuff to my phone's Notepad so I can break them out and read them anytime I feel down. And I have been going to counseling and it has been a big help.

KMPC, I'm starting to realize that checking on her is not good for me. So I will definitely work on that. I am also going to draw up some kind of plan to cut contact with her. I told her I wanted to be kept in the loop of our "house" stuff (selling it) but she tells me things about her day or her family, but I think I need to tell her to keep it business-like. I can't be her friend, which is what I know she wants. She wants to have that part of me, and while doing that would be nice, I want all of her, not just the friend part. Thank you for your thoughts. I will take them and learn from them.

Karenhopeful 12/10/2010

It is process and a journey to let go. We have all ''checked in'' on the STBX in one way or other. Your lives were intertwined and untwining is a process.

Give yourself break. No contact works--gives you breather to begin to see with clarity.

Be easy on yourself. There are many stumbles along the way but you grow from them and learn to pick up the pieces.

deleted_user 12/10/2010

sounds a lot like mi situation. I can't sell the house unfortunately due to that $8000 first-time buyers credit...

You're right though, it isn't fair. breaking a vow isn't right and you are getting the raw end. Best reason not to check up on her or try to figure out what she is thinking that i've figured out is that you will just drive yourself nuts. Maybe she does feel ok right now, maybe she is struggling, maybe she will have her own struggles down the road, but trying to figure out if it's fair will only re-enforce that it isn't.

If your job sucks (like mine) look for a new one. If she is going somewhere, who cares, let her, go out somewhere for you. The other week, an old high school friend and i drove to NYC (hour and a half) on a whim to catch a concert.

I'm thinking there is a balance to "wanting her back" and living without her...I'm working on finding it.

You have my thoughts and prayers. Lord knows we need em.

TML67 12/10/2010

Very sorry for the situation that you are in.....do yourself a HUGE favor......get rid of those passwords for her FB and email account .....you will drive yourself MAD....trust me! Also there is legality issues surrounding her privacy and depending what state your in she could slap you with a restraining order if she found out.

deleted_user 12/10/2010

I agree with the mornings sometimes being the hardest part. It seems like there are a few minutes where my mind is blissfully clouded - not quite awake and not quite asleep - and I forget what is going on right now (one month in on a divorce of a marriage of 15 years.)...and then the day comes inside my head and I remember. It's almost like waking up and losing him all over every single day, it still feels that fresh.

My ex is having a great time out partying and buying himself a ton of new things and hanging out with all new people...meanwhile I'm stuck sleeping on my mom's couch and trying desperately to find a job (I was a stay at home mom for the last few years.) He stayed in the house - kept the car - won't even give me my make up and hair dryer!

But....with all that being said, I'm trying to keep in mind that just because it looks, from the outside at least, that his life has gotten so much better...it doesn't mean it has, and it doesn't mean it will stay that way. While he is out having a great time, I'm taking my time to grieve, reaching out for support and working on figuring out what it is about me that makes me miss someone that could care less. I'm trying to remedy things about me...something he is running from. In the long run (however loooong it may be) I'll be ready to take my life back and live it the best way for me.

For all the things he claimed to know about me, he didn't know one of the most important. I AM A PHOENIX - AND FROM THE ASHES I WILL RISE!!.....and after the firestorm of emotion and pain....so will you.

I wish you all the very best and please know that there are others out there in the dark of the morning holding on with you.

SPilgrim10 12/10/2010

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I have been doing a lot better today. I think writing stuff for other people to read helps keep me grounded in reality. Because I am finally starting to believe in everything that is being posted here. I think I'm really ready to start moving on.

deleted_user 12/11/2010

The week after my girlfriend broke up, I found out that she already moved in with another man, so she did not want me to know where she moved to. which is funny because when she had no place to go I took her in to my home and took care of her.It also holds true that she(my girlfriend like your significant other) were ready for the change for months because the suble changes that occured were their way of telling us.
One thing to remember is in the cases in which you may have mutual friends, from my experience they always side with the women. In my experience at least 3 girlfriends that I have had in the past would actually be invited to parties and other social gatherings when I was notg. The worst part is that I introduced these women to my group of friends.
Im also stuck in the same place that we lived together, which is real hard, when she left i took everything out of the house tht she cooked and I stopped eating the foods that we regularly would eat.
Your job, not to come off as mocking you but at least you have one. I was told to change my name because nobody want to hire a person with that name.
as far as thoughts and prayers, you have mine.
As far as im conserned you shouldnt be looking back trying to fix the immendable, look forward and hope that one day your going to find that one person that reads your mind, finishes your thoughts, and makes you happy. Believe me im hanging on by a thread but those hopes are the only ones keeping me going.

Be Srong Brother

deleted_user 12/11/2010

hope u can all understand with all the typos, next time ill revise

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