Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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More confused than ever

Need more advice lovely people. Some of you have already commented on my previous posts and it has helped knowing you are there. For those of you that haven't here is my life in a nutshell. Been married for 25+ years, found out husband had been having an affair. He said he loves me but loves the OW too. I said Im prepared to try and make the marriage work if he would so he finished it with her. Then this week he moves out as he's confused and needs space as resentment is building up inside him towards me. Two days after moving out he asks to meet me and talk. As soon as I saw him I knew he is still angry, there was no sadness or warmth. He asks me where do we go from here? He's not sure of a way forward, cant make any promises but will go to counselling with me. Im not sure his heart is in it. He's not moving back anytime soon so is he just going through the motions saying he'll go to counselling with me? We have an adult son who is living with me but sees his father and he says he is full of remorse. Im not seeing that side, all Im seeing is an angry man who is not reassuring me that he does love me enough to want to be with me. Maybe he wants out of the marriage but wants me to start the process. I still love him but surely if he really wanted to make it work, he would move back? Am I continuing to allow him to treat me like dirt? Should I even bother booking counselling for us? Am so tired of all this pain.

Replies

kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77

It's very hard after a long marriage to deal with the end of it. My wife cheated and left after 24 years. If he's already been with someone else and claims he loves her my advice is get an attorney and end it. Move on. It's been 3+ years for me since the split and believe me there's life afterwards. It was extremely difficult through the first year and even the second but there is a better life waiting for you. Nobody deserves that toxicity.
refurb
refurb

My path is very similar to KB's and my ex, lied about the affair/infidelity/ adultery / betrayal being over

If your husaband won't see his cheating as the other less pleasant words then he probably justifies his actions by secretly blaming you.

If that is the case, move quickly to divorce

to me, it is very telling how manipulative he is is, he is very demonstrative of remorse to your son, but is hard heartfed to you in private

I very much doubt your husbands motives

Sneaky fucks, fuck around in secret and with secrets, how your sons remorseful daddy treats you in secret behind your sons back shows your husband to be a sneaky fuck

Sorry for the language but laungague matters
An affair sounds harmless
It is betrayal
At the deepest levels
sleepless1
sleepless1

Refurb- I like the way you tell it like it is! Sometimes that type of language is necessary..

Manatee - Maybe individual counseling could help you figure out just what you want to do? You sound confused and it could possibly help you sort out your feelings. I think we act emotionally in the beginning. Giving it a little time and talking through your feelings might help.

Once a cheater always a cheater. What a horrible phrase. But it does seem to be true in most cases.

Hugs!
jojored
jojored

My husband showed remorse on two levels: 1) foremost was that he wouldn't get to live in the new house he built (he actually said to me "you ruined everything" as it relates to that house 2) he wouldn't see our children every day. I was never on the list.

He told his lawyer he still loved me, his lawyer told mine, mine told me. I was absolutely floored, and actually laughed, not a humorous laugh. I asked the ex if he did still love me, his reply was no reply, instead the response back to me: "do you love me?". I'll take that as a NO. He never could say he loved me. Hadn't in years. But he could lie easily enough about it when it made him look like the injured party. He told the kids he had had no say in the divorce, that he didn't want this to happen. Not that he loved his mom and wanted to make it work, not that he actually tried to make it work, just remorse for #1 and #2.

He is very good at playing the sad, poor, kicked puppy. He takes absolutely no responsibility for his irresponsibility. It's sickening to me.

Someone who can't be straight up with you and his actions is just messing with you, transferring blame to you, guilt shifting, whatever they have to do to avoid facing the reality they helped construct.

If I were you, I'd set up a counseling session at a mutually agreed upon time. Make it soon. Go to it. Go on from there. If it was helpful, continue with it. If after a session or two or three you're both just spinning your wheels, then start to file for divorce. His guilt may be preventing him from ending things and starting the process, as you suggest.

My question to you is this - why is he resentful towards you? Is it because you discovered his affair and are asking him to choose? Because you brought to light his infidelity, his betrayal of you? If he truly cared about reconnecting with you, I could see remorse being a thing, but resentment - don't think that's going to help you along.
Mannatee
Mannatee

I dont think he knows why he feels resentment; I dont understand it. I think I can in time forgive the affair but I cant get past the fact that he has moved out. I dont buy into all this 'needing space', he doesn't want to face what he's done to me. If he wanted me he would have come back by now. I cannot stop crying at the moment.
themiddle
themiddle

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was told on July 4th that my husband of 26 years had been having a long term affair and the OW was pregnant. Five days later his baby was born. He left that day and has not been back. He is living with the OW and the baby. I was not given a choice. At first I was really mad about that....he made this decision for me. However, now that I have come across situation like yours where you don't really know what to do going forward I am oddly thankful. I would have wanted to forgive him and move on together but I don't think it is right for me. I wasn't happy in our relationship...I wasn't getting what I needed from my partner but I just didn't recognize it.

I want to tell you to move on from this man who can't be honest and can't decide what he wants. I feel like if he wanted you then he should be there every single day proving that. I get that people make mistakes but actions after the mistake mean something. I know it is easier said than done! I just want you to know there are people here to support you in whatever you choose.
Mannatee
Mannatee

I am really sorry you were treated so badly. I hope life is getting better for you now. As you say, it's what happens after the mistake that counts and I agree, if he truly wanted me, he would be back here proving it to me. He may have ended the affair but all the signs are that he doesn't want me either. This realisation is just another layer of heartache and pain.
Cora_Belle
Cora_Belle

He is resentful because he feels his actions should have no unpleasant consequences. Your husband resents you because you are holding him accountable for his actions which means he feels his actions are justifiable and that he did no wrong. He does not show remorse because he is not sorry he cheated, only angry that he was caught.
refurb
refurb

reread cora_belle's post often, she nails it
Mannatee
Mannatee

So he's just texted our son asking if he can come over tomorrow to collect some things, He cant even ask me! So what do I do? Make sure Im out when he comes over, shut myself away in the bedroom or make him face me?
Cora_Belle
Cora_Belle

I would either be out of the house or face him. I would never let a coward keep me sequestered in my own home.
Finallyfreemyself
Finallyfreemyself

If he cheated make him fix it. Don't let him make you pay for it. Sure you may have done things to drive him away but that's no excuse. When he shows up ask him to not put your son In the middle and to make an immediate change or end it period.
There are cheaters who don't ever cheat again. The ones who are really truly sorry and work hard every day to make up to you for what they've done to you.
If you let him b.s. you now he'll steamroll you through the whole process.
Mannatee
Mannatee

He has started to tell other members of the family now so he's obviously not coming back anytime soon. If he loved me and wanted to make it work he would be here doing his utmost to make it work. Instead he has run away like the coward that he is and every day that goes past, I am filled with resentment towards him. I cried all day yesterday and a little today and it is our lovely son who is supporting me. I am tired of hearing that he needs space, he'll come to counselling with me but wont make any promises. Like he's doing me some sort of favour, But now I am having a clear out, tidying the house, Im going to get the house valued and get some legal advice. Enough us enough. He can go to hell, although even thats too good for him
Cora_Belle
Cora_Belle

Let your anger motivate you to do the difficult tasks now, but be sure you put the anger away once it's work is done. Don't let the anger turn to resentment and bitterness that prevents you from trusting and loving another.
Mannatee
Mannatee

Im too old to love again, I accept I will be on my own for the rest of my life
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