Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I will try to be brief.
I am the one filing for divorce. My husband is a good person but is a narcissist with sociopath behaviors and I a dying in this marriage. In case you don't know, with a narcissist is all about control, and since he is losing me, he has declared he would much rather burn all his money with attorneys than letting me have any of it (we live in a common property state, which means I am entitled to 50% of everything). He has threatened he will battle for full custody.
Honest to God, I don't want 50% of everything. He is very frugal and has a considerable amount in the bank, investment and retirement but I don't see my divorce as a profitable business. All I want is enough to make sure my kids and I will be okay. I have a good job but he makes 3 times more. He is already keeping the house and the furniture, I am walking out with my clothes.
I want to show good will and offered to settle for an amount of child support below what I should be getting by law, and cash. Not saying it won't make a dent in his bank account but far from the 50% I could ask. I am sparing him the trouble of mediation, discovery, trial, social services, ecc. Yet he says I am greedy and unreasonable. Mind you that money is money we never spend on vacation, fixing the house, dining out, ecc.
I understand he is mad and hurt. I spent many years of my life feeling mad and hurt at him and he was always deaf and blind for my needs and requests. I tried to make a home for him, but I was never part of it, I was the cook, the maid, the mother, never his partner. And neither of us has what would be needed to fix this marriage. He hasn't even tried to make me change my mind. It's all about leaving me without money.
My self esteem is very low at this point, and he has made me believe I don't deserve anything, but I wont be able to support my 2 kids without his "help".
What would you do? Grow a pair and have my attorney deal with it?
I know he will be mad and I am worried on the impact that it all would have on my kids, 9 and 7.
God bless.
I am the one filing for divorce. My husband is a good person but is a narcissist with sociopath behaviors and I a dying in this marriage. In case you don't know, with a narcissist is all about control, and since he is losing me, he has declared he would much rather burn all his money with attorneys than letting me have any of it (we live in a common property state, which means I am entitled to 50% of everything). He has threatened he will battle for full custody.
Honest to God, I don't want 50% of everything. He is very frugal and has a considerable amount in the bank, investment and retirement but I don't see my divorce as a profitable business. All I want is enough to make sure my kids and I will be okay. I have a good job but he makes 3 times more. He is already keeping the house and the furniture, I am walking out with my clothes.
I want to show good will and offered to settle for an amount of child support below what I should be getting by law, and cash. Not saying it won't make a dent in his bank account but far from the 50% I could ask. I am sparing him the trouble of mediation, discovery, trial, social services, ecc. Yet he says I am greedy and unreasonable. Mind you that money is money we never spend on vacation, fixing the house, dining out, ecc.
I understand he is mad and hurt. I spent many years of my life feeling mad and hurt at him and he was always deaf and blind for my needs and requests. I tried to make a home for him, but I was never part of it, I was the cook, the maid, the mother, never his partner. And neither of us has what would be needed to fix this marriage. He hasn't even tried to make me change my mind. It's all about leaving me without money.
My self esteem is very low at this point, and he has made me believe I don't deserve anything, but I wont be able to support my 2 kids without his "help".
What would you do? Grow a pair and have my attorney deal with it?
I know he will be mad and I am worried on the impact that it all would have on my kids, 9 and 7.
God bless.
What I did in my divorce was this. I went to a lawyer (my ex said some pretty ugly things about me doing that). I found out what the likely "split" would be. Then I sat down with my ex and told him approximately what my lawyer had said. I suggested that he go to a lawyer and find out what reality would likely be also.
Then I offered something that was in the middle. I could definitely have done better, but he might definitely have done better too. We ended up writing our own agreement without going to court.
But my ex was cooperative, and he was the one that left. It might be much harder for you, but I'd still start the same way.
You NEED to see a lawyer, at least once, to find out what is most often done. Then if you want to offer to take less, 45% or whatever, then that's what you offer. But you need to know the starting position and so does your STBX.
He's going to be mad no matter what. And it will affect your kids, no matter what.
Oh and child support isn't HELP. It's a given. It's supporting your kids.
In many states, child support is determined by the state, not the divorce agreement. Google your state name and child support and you'll find out more.
I have an attorney and she is good. If I let her do her job, I will be very well off financially after my divorce.
Problem is that he is so reluctant to collaborate that the only way to make him give me financial support will be through fighting. He said, if I do that, he never wants to see me or talk to me again, which hurts because I was hoping we could get along for the sake of the kids. He said he will fight full custody so I have to pay him child support.
But you are right, he will be mad no matter what.
We can talk and get along fine now, but it wasn't always that way.
I was the more emotional at first. I started communicating with him mostly (95%) through email. My self imposed rules were this: Midday (not first thing in the morning, nor right before bed) respond to his email from the day before. Then look at whatever he wrote from today.
It slowed everything down. And stopped me from impulsive replies that I'd regret later. It wasn't "no contact" but it did a LOT to break my emotional dependence on him. And it kept us out of many of the mind games that divorces put people through.
As far as custody goes. That depends more on the state that you're living in than anything else. Some almost automatically give full to the mother; some are almost automatically 50/50; some ask the kids, and some it depends on who fights hardest.
Follow your attorney's advice to the Letter about that. Document EVERYTHING. You will probably never need it. Don't do it to hold anything against him. But absolutely do it. (one reason communicating by emails helps) Document each time you shop for clothes, each trip to the school, each time you pick up/ drop off the kids. KNOW the kids sizes, teachers, activities. Basically, everything that you do as a mom for your kids, write down.
The easiest way might be to set up a dedicated email account. Forward all emails he sends you to that account. And email yourself about the kid's activities. (Got a call from the school that John hadn't shown up to pick up the kids yet at 2:30. So today I went to the school and picked up Susie and Jane, then we stopped at Walmart and bought socks and underwear for Susie, then we went to soccer.)
Nice, neat simple. No emotions. No that blanketty-blank forgot to pick Susie up so I dropped what I was doing and ran right over...
Online, you can't lose the record. Dates and times are all right there. It's harder to fake and easier to prove.
Best of luck. Like I said, my ex started out sounding like a real jerk, but he turned out to be an awesome ex.
Thanks! you give me some hope. I know I can't control him and his actions, and he is mad at me so his reactions might get nuclear, but I still trust he is a good person, deep down, and he will start acting putting the love for our wonderful kids before his anger and pain.
Thanks again and I am glad you have a good ex.
You are. Emotionally fragile. He is already threatening you. (i.e. That he will fight for full custody, etc.) he doesn't seem to be as thoughtful of your feelings as you are of him.
Listen to your lawyer. Put your trust in her.
Wrt your kids - you will be ahead of the game if you always treat him with respect and never badmouth him to the kids. You vant control his behaviour; only your own.
Good luck!!!
And, regardless of the agreement you would concede to him or what the court orders, he will contact you after all this is over. He will do whatever he can to make your life & that of the kids pure hell. He will more than likely not be reasonable or want to get along for the sake of the kids.
Even if you were to agree to his terms, I would be money that he will still go after full custody because sadly that's what many of them do.
You might want to check out the physical & emotional abuse support group here on DS. http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical-Emotional-Abuse/support-group There are lots of members who are dealing with narcissists and are or have been where you are.
Long story short, I was also married to a full blown narcissist who is also an alcoholic. He "cooperated" and agreed to a 50/50 split of the financial assets, but lied about the amounts involved. He also did some other things that affected what I ended up with, to his advantage. I took my car, my personal possessions and about 10% (if that) of the household items. After the divorce, he told everyone, including our adult children, their families & their in-laws that I had taken him to the cleaners.
I know you're worried about your kids. But the thing is, all you can do is be a shining light and safe haven for them. Do your healing work because when you heal, so will they. Their relationship w/their dad is theirs. And sadly, you will have to let that be what it is.
So get them into therapy. Answer their questions honestly and age appropriately. Take the high road and don't bad mouth their dad. Even tho he will more than likely bad mouth you to them. Stand in your truth & have faith. They will eventually figure out who he is. Kids are way smarter and more perceptive than we adults give them credit for.
Please let your attorney handle this. You are more than entitled to what the state allows in community property, child support and alimony, especially having to live with a full blow narcissist.
Also, have someone you trust who is not emotionally involved review the settlement before you sign it. And make an appt w/a financial adviser or CPA to get some feedback as to what you will need to provide for you and the kids. I found out some interesting things like if they offer you all the stocks instead of cash, don't accept. Ask for at least half of the liquid assets. If you take all stocks you will get stuck w/all the taxes when you cash them in. That means you lose money and end up w/less than half.
One final thought about him saying he will never want to see or talk to you again. He is bullying you. That is nothing more than PURE MANIPULATION & INTIMIDATION. Please do not let him walk all over you.
You deserve the best for you and your children.
~healing hugs~