That's why I always wanted ONE more....thought it would be nice to have a child that I didn't totally screw up.

Does your employer have and EAP program? *EMPLOYEE ASSISTANCE PROGRAM*...they usually refer you to a counselor and give you 2-5 free sessions and then, your health insurance benefits usually have a 30 sessions per calendar year that are covered...if your employer does have this program, make sure that they refer you to a counselor that is under your benefit's umbrella...

Mine is going thru the same thing..part of me thinks it's what is going on at home..he has heard fights but we rarely do that, even now, we just dont talk at all, but what he has heard I know affected him. Part of me thinks it 's the age, as well.. he's 6. He's jealous of me trying to split time between him and his 2 year old brother who requires more attention. I was given a list of child psych to help. I have not done anything about it since we are STILL in the same house. I don't know what the answer is but I think it's society today, our problems at home, and the age in general. Good luck..thinking of you. Let me know what helps.

I think you and your wife have to agree to not argue in front of the children. I mean ever. No snide comments or anything. You both need to be on the same page with her punishments (timeouts or whatever you choose) and you can probably have this fixed in a week or so.

Your daughter is testing both of you. When my ex was a stbx I wouldn't talk to him much at all. I finally figured out my 17 year old at the time was asking me for money and also his father. He ending up getting close to $100.00 a week until we started to tell each other what we were doing in regards to our dependent children.

My therapist told me this was perfectly normal. Your daughter might be acting like this to find out if you or your wife will leave her too. Good luck to you.

I am taking my youngest to counseling today, the divorce affected him the worst, very disrespectful. Ever since he has moved in with me full time, he has gotten better about it, but we have gotten in some real knock down drag out arguments at times.... He is so angry. It gets worse when he goes over to his Mothers, she has only had him twice since I got him full time, but like yesterday, when I got him back from his 2 month late b-day party at his Mom's house, he was back to being Mr. Negativity again, fighting with everything I had to say......

We will see what this counselor does for him, the last one did not even talk to him, and all the doctor wanted to do was throw medication at him, I did not want a zombie as a son. He needs to just learn to talk things out... learn to curb that anger, and be able to function without being mad at the world.

I wish you luck my friend. You are right it is all about the kids now.

If I were to get my daughter into some kind of counseling, what type of counselor should she see? Is it a child psychologist?

YES! I had an appointment to meet with one today for my children. That would be the best thing. When divorce occurs it completely turns children's worlds upside down. They dont feel safe and they act out. My 4 yr old has been acting out and hit me the other day when i told her no. My 7 yr old stuffs his feelings and is passive aggressive. They need help dealing with their feelings and security and trust...you name it.

Also I would like to asy that individual counseling would probably be more effective. Children get scared to open up in front of their parents. They will have to develop trust in their therapist before they will open up. The therapist will show them appropriate ways to express their feelings and how to communicate.

I talked to my son's pediatrician at the last check-up. He suggested a counselor/therapist for my youngest.

Also, when I mentioned to him that my son was acting out at home & getting really angry alot ... but did fine at school, his Dr. mentioned that it's not only the divorce and arguing. He stated that many kids around his age (6) go through this stage of "testing the waters" at home and seeing exactly how far they can push us.

My oldest did similar things as your daughter. We had him in weekly counseling for 3 years and one book that helped quite a bit was "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene.

If you don't already have her seeing a child therapist, please consider it quickly! You may also want to talk to her pediatrician about her behavior.

Wishing you the best, Rman.

Gocolts, that's a good insight.

Mine are too old to be obvious about it, but earlier, I noticed that every change in situation resulted in some new limit testing. I mean EVERY change, including daily ones (small and easy, but definitely a test) when a parent picks them up at day care, drops them off, the other parent gets home, etc.

I would expect a huge change like this, plus the fact that there are now two homes, would result in major limit testing.

here's another thought I had thinking back to that time...can you get 'one on one' time with her? and maybe her mom could too? That also helped tremendously here. I made a tradition called 'saturday walks' and we walked together, even if it rained or snowed. He would really talk to me, away from everyone else. My husband never wanted to do this, but honestly, it would have helped I think. I did it anyway, and I'm really glad I did. It was free, easy, and helpful. I let him pick which direction we walked. Just a thought.

Sometimes openly defiant kids are craving attention and will take negative attention over NO attention so they act out. If you feed the need for attention, they don't need the defiance.

I really felt like I WAS giving my son attention and I'm sure you do, too, but some kids go through periods of time when they need a LOT of attention and marital problems certainly qualify as one of those times...

I learned that time with all the kids was not the same as time with just him, and he needed that for awhile (he sure doesn't now, lol). I was actually really surprised at how fast one on one time worked. I think I got that idea out of a book!

anyway, best wishes. My heart goes out to all the kids struggling..

I have an art therapist as I had problems verbalizing my feelings. She works with alot of children(don't have to be artists per se)....
She does a "sand tray" therapy which the child can play out what is happening or how she is feeling. I highly recomend it, especially if she is young.
Best of luck((((hugs))))

She is asking you for boundaries. Im learning a lot lately about my kids. today we had a dr appointment that was going really long.
the kdsi were completely out of control. the nI thought of howa teacher would handle a situation like that (im taking classes to become a sub teacher). I sat them all in a chair and got on thier level, then I said. Here are my expectations for our visit to the doctor today. I expect you to sit calmly, I expect you to respect the doctor and keep quiet while he is working, i knwo you can do this and am proud of all three of you. they instantly got calm. My littlest got squggly a few times however every time I would look right at her and say remember my expectations for you. They were so good i took them to the dollar store afte and rewarded thier positive behavor. I also told them how proud i was of them that they were so good. it just takes the right approach, and a lot of patience. She is letting you know throug h her behavor that she is hurting too. things are different for her and she is looking for boundaries. I dont even think she really needs a therapist since she is able to be good at school, and in other situations. Think about the show supernanny, its all in the parental delivery ;)

I'm doing the same thing for my son. He starts counseling soon in the school since they are now offering it. No matter what you do divorce is hard on the little ones. My ex and me never fought in front of our son. He notice I was sad and no matter how hard I tried to keep calm and I would on occasion break down and cry. I think the shock of me braking down stress the poor kid more so I tried to hide it. I'm not prefect and he's a smart cookie like most kids are. My son's has angry issues with his Dad since he feels that he abandonment him and his mom. I think counseling would be a good thing for anyone dealing with a divorce. Just to have an outside option without the guilty of hurting someone feelings.

My older two children are doing the same type of things. We are going to a family counselor. She is excellent with the kids. She really works well for us. If you have an EAP program, use it! If you don't call your insurance carrier and inquire about a family therapist. The older two are 11 and 7 and they both have been much better with fewer outburts of anger since they started counseling. The kids always suffer the most in a divorce and if they don't have a neutral party to listen to them without all the hurt and anger and frustration of the relationship they don't know how to express themselves. I also think HC's idea of spending more one on one time is a great way of helping them communicate with you better. Hugs and good luck!