Wow Rman, it's funny you posted this, this has been on my mind for the last few weeks...my heart aches for my 5 year old....she seems to be going through the same thing, she can be soo disrespectful to me at times (I do the best I can but I feel guilty because I know she's hurting), mean to her little sister...I'm thinking about getting her into counseling, her teachers have said nothing but positive things, so I know it's issues she feels about this divorce.

Yes I'm going through the same, and once again my heart aches for our kids.... :(
sorry not too much advice, lots of love, hugs, and I think so therapy would probably do some good.

She's not out of control..she's completely IN control! Obviously she knows this behavior is really unacceptable (as she doesn't engage in it at school or outside your home).

Sounds like she's begging for some help dealing with her home/family life. Could be due to the simple change of dynamics that divorce brings to a family.

Most school systems have a "social worker" or other individual that can help children deal with divorce, or you could seek a therapist/counselor from the outside to see her.

some times there has to be a scare factor put in.

I can kind of understand. Me and my husband are fighting more and more. He stays so calm and doesn't want to fight but I lose control and the cussing and throwing things start. I too feel so guilty. I never used to curse in front of the kids but when I'm angry I do now. I have a 13 year old and a 4 year old. My 13 year old basically plays at our neighbors house all the time probably to avoid us. My 4 year old asked me one day why I say "FUCK". Now I know I really have to be careful. I try not to curse anymore. It takes a lot of work but if we can cut that part out and try to control our tempers maybe our kids will let go of the defiance and pick up on better behaviors.

Yes..it's all too common I guess. My 10 year old has seen how his father treats me, and now he is mimicking his dad. It hurts so bad. It's not always, but it's there.

My oldest was defiant when things were really bad between me and STBX many years ago....actually stbx wasn't treating his depression and was very angry and yelled at our son a lot. Other than removing the severe depression with medicine (which helped a LOT)...what I have found that helps him the very most isn't discipline. He doesn't respond to it--he takes it as a challenge. What helps him the most is time spent with him. Really listening to him when he speaks, and any other way I can think of to show him love. It is as if he needs motivation to behave and that motivation comes from a love payout. I have no idea if this makes sense, but it is what worked here, when I was at my wits end with him....and very concerned about his future.

I should add that older children generally have friends whose parents are also divorced so they don't feel like the home situation is all the unusual. Younger children seem to have more difficulty as they don't understand what divorce is or even know that some of their playmates/classmates live in the same situation.

Great responses...thank you. If I were to get my daughter into some kind of counseling, what type of counselor should she see? Is it a child psychologist?

Anyone who deals with child behavior problems. See if your school system will refer.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a child psych. Just someone who has experience working with kids.

My daughter's counselor has her master's in social work. She's been working with families and children for 20 years. She's helped my kids a lot.

So just look around, and ask people if they've worked significantly with young children and divorce. If not, keep looking.

Mine have handled it pretty well for the most part, but I see some definite changes in them and their attitude towards not only loved ones but other things as well. Mine seem to scoff at the idea of responsibility and the oldest has been very defiantly rude to some people she shouldn't be.

She said all along the kids will be fine, they'll make it through this okay, it won't have that big of an effect on them. Well, they WILL make it through, because they are strong and they will be fine, because they have good parents but this HAS had a MAJOR effect on them. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool. I know the two people who caused this only care so far as it pertains to their future with them, but I have to deal with it every day.

Good one nj I like that one .I havent had any real problems with my kids yet. YET So im interested to

We went through that with our children when we were at the brink of the divorce. It affected my daughter the most. We went to family counseling. My daughter did not like what she was hearing and left home at 17....worst weeks of my life. Things got better and she is almost graduating from College and she is AMAZING but....divorce and the strife that it causes does take a toll on the children no matter how old. Please do consider family counseling...together and you all will learn certain truths, rules and unity even if it ends the marriage but, it will help bridge the gap that is occurring. The children are always the victims of this emotional warfare between of divorce, dissolution and such....

Do you think that family counseling would be more effective than individual counseling? What is the difference, as I have never been to counseling. Perhaps that is my biggest downfall.

it looks like both sides can benefit. Family counseling and individual counseling because each needs to deal with the changes and impact separately.