(((hugs)))) My stbx turned 2 of our 3 kids against me. He has told all kinds of lies, defaulted properties, told his parents and friends all kinds of lies to get back at me for leaving. I left with very little and no family to turn to....no friends either.
I actually slept in the car for a few months before I finally left him. I let him have the better house. I let him have all the household goods and the money in the account. It was worth my sanity to just leave. I had two of the three kids with me and started with nothing....nada....zip. My own business was going thru a hardship and I had $50 a week for groceries and electric and gas,garbage,etc.
Somehow I made it through.....I am still standing.
I've come a long way and am finally stable becuz I took control. I planned and saved. I persevered(sp) and sacraficed.....made lots of mistakes along the way.
If I can do it.....anyone can. The hard times build charactor and strength.
As soon as I get through this bitchy stage......I will be back with a vengance!
Be kind to yourself and hang on cuz it will get better.

Deb is right. You are letting him and what he says about you control you. You need to dig yourself out of this pit and breathe! You are doing the right things - it takes time!

Lynne

You need to realize that this is standard operating procedure for cheaters. The classic "she's crazy, that's why I was forced to find someone else" comes straight from the Cheater's Handbook (chapter one I do believe).

My ex did the same thing. But here was the problem: I took the high road. Didn't call his friends and family, let him do all sorts of mean things and did not retaliate, etc. He and the skank ow even tried to set me up so they could call the cops and say I was acting crazy and get me arrested. I didn't fall for it.

You can't control what he does or says any more than I could my ex. By keeping my mouth shut and walking the high road, I was soon vindicated. His family got to know the lying skank and saw the nasty lies and deceit their son was capable of. They still hold me in high regard. I also used the law to my advantage.

Take the high road and eventually his lies will be discovered. Face it, if he will lie to you, he will lie to everyone and eventually they will see him for who he really is.

Hugs! I know it's difficult.

Unfortunately I do care about what he says about me to others...I did not invite this affair he did. How does anyone think I would react..have an effin party! I have always thought of his family as tight as my own, so it's very difficult to know they look at me like some kind of kook or his friends thinking I'm the crazy psycho from hell. Why wouldn't he think I would check stuff...the trust issue. I'm not doing that but I'm sure he tells people that. He said in that email he will leave the house or marriage for HIM and no other reason. NO...he will leave the house for my sanity and I will leave the marriage for ME cuz he's a coward.

At this point, it's important to recognize that your checking his texts and emails is causing you more anguish than it is helping you. It's just making you crazy.

You have to stop. For your own sanity. Everything you need to know about this situation, you already know. The rest is peanuts compared to what you already know. (What matters more? The fact that he had an affair or the fact that he's telling people you're losing your mind? Only one of those things is worth divorcing over.)

For your own sake, you need to let go. He can lie, he can cheat, he can tell the whole world you're nuts. You know differently. You can prove him different by not acting consistent with how he's suggesting you are. Don't check up on him. Don't be frantic to set the record straight when you know he's lying about something.

You're in a palce right now where you have to realize you can only control what you have control over. You don't have control over what your ex says or does. So be it. The only thing you have control over is how you react to him. Don't react to him any more. Fuck him. Move on.

Sweetie, Frank is right...... You have to quit falling into this trap he is setting up!

Do not check his e-mails or texts..... they are not really an issue for you and get to the lawyer, file and let the courts handle it! Stop driving yourself crazy!

I know...I don't really want to torture myself but I guess I wish there was this crumb that he didn't call or respond to her. I am doing it to myself but mostly I look to see what he continues to do to the kids. I really want him to file since it will be less on my pocketbook but I know that will never happen. He said in the email that he will leave the marriage and house for HIM....no leave it for me and my sanity..f-tard.

Here's the point:

Who cares why he's leaving? The point is, he needs to leave.

Don't concern yourself with the reasons why he's telling himself and others why he's leaving. It doesn't matter. He can believe what he wants to make himself feel better. Fat people tell themselves they're not fat, they're just big-boned. Short people say they're not short, they're just average. Your H can believe whatever he wants. At the end of the day, he's still a douchebag.

Yes he is Frank..yes he is!

what a fucker. Like he really needs to put you through more shit. I really think Frank is right that you can't control his actions so give up on that... I know it's hard, because I am doing it too.. BIG HUGS.

If you believe the marriage is over, it might be empowering for you to do the filing. My wife made it clear she wanted out, but since she dragged her feet on this whole process anyway and was never honest with me to begin with, I didn't want to leave that up to her.

I can only speak for myself, but when I filed and I got her served with papers, there was an extra spring in my step; like I finally had control over something.

Take care and keep in touch!

And by the way: He is an asshole for not leaving. If he wants out of the marriage, he should get out of the house.

And that goes for my STBX wife too (Hi Mrs. DAB70 if you're reading this!)......

I do like hurtin's advice about taking the high road. I was thinking if you spoke to your friends, or a mutual friend, at least someone would know the story. But I think hurtin might have a better thought on this.

As to his family, blood is thicker than water, most times. My stbx's family never spoke to me again after stbx cut them off in 2004. They reached out to him...never me. When he left for China, they never contacted me. When they learned of the divorce....nope, never contacted me.

I knew them for almost 30 years, and they just cut me off. We had a good relationship, were friends, etc etc. But still....they would rather have a relationship with him. And that's ok. They're f*cking crazy, which is why I never called them after 2004.

And if you don't need any more info on him, then don't check his emails, texts, etc. It is crazy making, truly. You're better off just concentrating on you and your kids.

OF COURSE they are trying to make you look like the bad person. Cheaters ALWAYS want the spouse who wants to hold on to the marriage to end up looking crazy or bad, that way they don't have to feel so guilty. My X wife and her douchebag OM constantly talked sh*t on his STBX wife and went out of their way to try and make it look like their affair was "justifiable" because of her. When in reality, it was HIS fault for not having the balls to stand up to her and my X-wife was just as manipulative as his wife was through ANY of this. When the two of us decided to get tough and stand up for ourselves, all the sudden we were the "bad" spouses trying to "ruin their future happiness."

Well, I hope that happiness is treating you well. He still hasn't signed the f*cking divorce papers that he was too stupid to file himself and she's now divorced and living apart from us.

Don't waste any more time trying to win over his friends. They are going to take his side most likely no matter what the truth is and quite frankly, do you NEED or WANT people like that as friends? Someone who would view a cowardly idiot like him and his slut as "good people."

llmt--My husband drugged me repeatedly (I thought I was losing my mind as I couldn't prove it), sexually assaulted me and got 2 Dui's during our marriage. Yet many friends and family (including my own family) have taken his side as he is making me out to be the bad person because I refuse to take him back. What helps me is telling myself they are just as sick as he is, and I also try to pray for them. I am absolutely NOT a religious person, but it works for me. I also keep telling myself to be the better person, and do the right thing. Hope this helps, but I know exactly what you are feeling, that sense of being let down AGAIN and the disppointment in others. hugs, Tina