Well one thing is for certain: I suck at being single. Oh where to start. 

As I have gone througb many times before, I was with my stbx for nearly 20 years and married for 15. Many good times many bad and now things between us are to the point of no return ( at least in her opinion). Before I met her I had another girlfriend who loved me with all of her heart and I loved her as well. We were each others first love, first kiss, first everything. We were also both very young and I decided that I wanted to give single life a whirl. I have regretted that decision, to a degree ,ever since. Any regretts I have are wiped away due to the fact that I have my children because of that decision. That being said I have thought about her alot over the years and wondered what couldve been. Fast forward 20 years, and we have reconnected through facebook. We have messaged each other a lot over the past couple of weeks. Turns out we are both single with kids.  There is still a spark there that I never felt with my stbx.  She has even hung on to all of the old cards and notes that I sent her when we were dating. I just cant shake the feeling that we really should be together. Fairy tale ending ready to be written except:   the fact that we live 700 miles apart and are both anchored to our current locations because of kids and exes. 

Secene 2:

My stbx and I have been talking about getting pictures taken of the boys. Her cousin is a professional photographer and is in town for the weekend. So we are going to have her do a photo shoot with the boys. To keep with the theme that we have preached to the boys that we are always going to be a family no matter what, we are going to be taking a "family photo" with my stbx and I with all of the boys. This of course has been yet another trigger and has pointed out to me quite painfully how far I am from being ok with losing her. I have tried to focus on the negatives about her and all of the things she has done and put me through but it still hurts like hell. I am not close to being over her and I realize that regardless of how many  I try to tell myself otherwise. 

Scene 3:

I have a date this week.  She is a young lady that I met on a dating site. We have been chatting for a few days and have a lot in common.  She even said yes despite my invitation being the clunkiest most awkward thing ever. She is the first woman I have asked on a date in 20 years so I was quite rusty. 

So to summerize where I am right now:

I am still in love with my stbx and my former girlfriend of 20 years ago. I feel like my former girlfriend and I are soulmates, meant to be, made for each other and whatever other corny phrase comes to mind.  I also know that other than maybe two to three times a year I would never see her in person. So here I am trying to move on from two lost loves by possibly starting new relationship with someone who may or may not like me. Time will tell. On one hand I feel like a loser who's just using her as medicine for my pain.  On the other hand we do seem to have a lot in common and who knows what we could become. But I wonder that if we do form a serious relationship will I still always think of my former gf, whom in all likelyhood I will seldom see in person. And through all of this if my stbx wanted to try and work things out I would jump all over it. 

What a freaking mess I am. Any advice is welcomed, no matter how blunt.