i come from a past of being cheated on, lied to, and manipulated by the men i chose to have in my life. i was raped at 17, my virginity stolen, and had reckless, unsafe relationships with people after that. i was used by two different guys to cheat on their girlfriends, that i didn't know about, and was also played out of $300 by one of those men.
then finally, in august, i met an amazing guy. i felt i could be myself around him from the very first time i met him. we just clicked, and he was so interesting and fun to talk to and be around. he offered adventure and excitement. best of all, he didn't force me into having sex on the first date, which was something i had grown to see as normal by then. on the third date, we had sex, on my own terms for once, because it just felt right. that same day, he asked me to be his girlfriend. i was really nervous, because it was happening so fast and it seemed like he was trying to rush it. but i said yes, for fear of losing the best guy i had ever come across. and that was that.

a month into our relationship was when it should have ended for good. he lived about half an hour away from me, and we took turns driving to see each other each weekend. i had finally gotten hired after a year of searching for a job, and i randomly got called in to fill out paperwork on one of the days that he was driving to see me. he was already on his way, but i didn't have to come in until later that evening, so i figured i could just tell him that today we wouldn't be able to hang out for as long as usual. he didn't respond well to that at all. we were sitting at a park bench in silence, when all of a sudden he just said, "all right, well, lets get in the car." i didn't know what he had planned, but nowhere in my mind did i even fathom that he had bad intentions. we got in the car and he rolled up the windows, so that nobody would be able to hear the sounds i would inevitably make. then he told me to lay my head in his lap and he proceeded to violently and angrily choke me with both hands. i couldn't breathe, and i tried to scream for him to stop but i could feel the sides of my throat touching each other when i tried to speak. i tried hitting his arm and kicking the window but nothing would make him stop. it was a nightmare, and it sent me right back to that moment when i was raped -- helpless and nothing i could do to stop it. he was so angry at me over such a small thing.
after it was over, and he allowed me to sob in his car for an hour, i asked him to take me home. i was traumatized to the point where i had to go back to my old rape counselor for advice on how to deal with this now abusive relationship. she finally convinced me to break up with him and cut it off. but when i did, he guilt tripped me and told me things that made me seriously second guess my decision. he brought up how bad guys have treated me in the past, and how all the guys i know now just want me for sex, but that he's different. he told me how boring all the other guys would be, and how hard it would be for me to find another person that i could be myself around. and he was completely right. and i couldn't shake the things that he told me. i actually took the breakup that i initiated even worse than he did. i kept trying to talk to him, to remain friends at the very least. but he knew i craved affection, and so he kept that from me, saying if we kept talking it would be like we were dating again, and "obviously i didn't want that from him."

we saw each other a few more times after that, and those times were interesting. one seemed really good, like we really bonded. and then one time, he spat in my face during sex, out of anger again, which made me feel like he only saw me as an object. i decided right then and there that it would be the last time i ever saw him.

however, a week later he called me, saying that his mom had kicked him out of their house and that he was homeless. when we were together, he always told me how he cut off all his relatives and lost contact with all his friends from high school. i was literally the only other person in his life besides his mom and siblings, and now he lost them too. he was almost crying on the phone, something he told me many times before that he thought he couldn't do anymore. i caved, and made it my personal mission to help him get through this.

that alone was a complete rollercoaster ride, especially when his car engine blew out completely and he also got fired in the same day. in a way, it seemed like karma for what he had done to me. but he was at such a low point that i felt so bad for him and it started to stress me out as well. i got my family involved to see if they could help, and my grandparents offered to rent him a room, which he did. my mom absolutely loved him, saying he seemed like such a "nice and gentle young man". i had to bite my tongue so hard.
he lived with my grandparents for awhile, eventually getting a new job and renting his mom's second car. but my grandma was recently diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer, and so she told him that once she starts chemo, she doesn't want him living with them anymore.

so he was homeless again. my mom said he could always come over to our place to shower, charge his phone, and even stay for dinner if he wanted. we saw each other pretty much everyday. my brothers started to see him as this cool, older guy, and he would always go to the park with them and play basketball. we would go on amazing dates together, and he would act so cute towards me. he would buy me small gifts, even though he should have been saving money, because of the whole homeless thing.
i would of course buy him things too, a lot more than he did, but that wasn't really an issue. i would buy him food most of the times we hung out, i bought him expensive work boots for his new job, and i also bought him car shades when he asked for them. at one point he even asked me to pay his phone bill, and that was when i started to get pretty wary of how much money i was spending on him. we got in a fight over that, and he eventually just said "screw it" and that he would pay for it by himself. we got in fights over a lot of little things, and it always started with him getting irrationally angry. the majority of the time, it takes two people to fight, but i'm not exaggerating when i say that these fights could have been avoided, but he just made it a much bigger deal than it needed to be.

we fought more and more, and money got tighter and tighter. i was terrified of being used again, but i wanted so badly to make it work. this past weekend i was extremely stressed, because i had a speech due today in my public speaking class. i planned on using the entire weekend to prepare for it, but got called in for two 8 hour shifts at work.
yesterday night i had work, and when i got off my boyfriend was waiting in his car next to mine. i saw his car and bought him candy, and then he said he was hungry so we went to get something to eat. of course, he made me pay for it. i was really stressed in general, but the past several times we've hung out has been coming out of my wallet, and none out of his. of course, he is homeless and i don't blame him for wanting to save money. however, it's just a bit concerning that he waited for me to get out of work, just so i could buy him food. once we got the food, he asked if he could come over the next day (today) to shower and charge his phone. i said no, i had to prepare for my speech finally.
after that, he ate his food, said thank you, and just left... without even hugging or kissing me goodbye.

i felt like my concerns had come true, and that i had been used for my money all over again. but i couldn't stress about it, i had a speech to prepare for.
i stayed off of my phone all day today, just working on my huge speech. after my public speaking class was over, and i finally had that giant weight lifted off my chest, i checked my phone... only to find a text from him, saying that "stuff isn't going the way it's supposed to between us, so it's over." i was completely blindsided and panicked, trying to call him five times and then texting him on two different apps to call me. i sent a snapchat video where i talked about how i felt and asking what i did wrong.

he finally called and basically said that, last night, it just seemed like my willingness to help him was getting lower, and that i didn't have as much "enthusiasm" about helping him as i usually do. i tried to explain that, yeah, i'm stressed about my school assignment and stressed about how much money i've been spending lately. but i still did it because i obviously care about him. he then said that it just seems like i'm giving up on him, and that it makes him angry, because "if i'm not going to support him during the bad times, why should i be able to stick around for the good times?"
so apparently this entire past month of me helping him out, being there for him, buying him all these things, and providing emotional and moral support... apparently that all doesn't matter anymore, because i wasn't 1000% happy about buying him food one night.

i keep going from being extremely sad and sobbing uncontrollably about this, to feeling bittersweet because.. yeah, i lost someone i had good memories with, but i also kind of dodged a bullet as well.
i'm going to return his hoodie to him tomorrow. and then that'll be it. i just don't really know what to make of this whole situation. logically, i know i didn't do anything wrong (or anything out of the ordinary for a normal human being), and that he is the one with the distorted expectations. but i still just can't help but feel so deeply hurt by this. after everything he put me through and everything i have done for him, this is what makes me undeserving of his company. i don't know how to move on.