I would move on maybe thats harsh but life is to short to be in a marriage with no love.

OK if it was due to a past traumatic event - as someone who was molested and struggles with physical intimacy let me say while it is very difficult for the partner it is equally if not more difficult for the one who just 'can't' do it---I mean it sounds so simple, relax, enjoy it---but you can't! The fear starts as soon as you think "Oh no...this is heading toward sex!" - a movie, a candle lite dinner, a long hug - and you start to get the feeling deep down that you can't seem to control and you would do anything...ANYTHING...to escape that moment. You will bargain, lie, rationalize any behavior to avoid having to do THAT. Because is some ways if you do that again your partner is your abuser and you are letting them do it again!!! I know that is not logical but on an emotional level that is what is happening.

Therapy can help but the reality is it may never get to point the a survivor can enjoy sex on a regular basis...it may be hit and miss at best.

It is NOT about love.

Line up some pussy on the side. That's what I'm gonna do...fuck her.

Who called it?

Who called it?

LOL!

Thanks for all your replies. She is not menopausal. She has been through that already. She turns 62 this month. She was raped years ago, before she met me, but that was 40 years ago and, she told me she had never really liked sex. It was something she just did because if she didn't she wouldn't have any boyfriends. I met her when she was 24. I show her more affection than she shows me and I always have. I never get mad, never raise my voice to her. I do not believe she is having an affair. It's been 15 years like this. Some of you have stated that you had sex 4 r 5 times a year. We have had it 4 or 5 times in 15 years. I have tried to talk to her about my needs but, she says, that men my age shouldn't want sex anyway. I have tried everything I know. She is a good grandmother, a good person but, she is more like a room-mate than a wife. As time passes, this bothers me more and more. I really don't understand it. She ways you can have sex and not love and, that's true but, in my opinion, when you love someone, why wouldn't you want to hold them, caress, them, etc. I just don't get it, but, she says I am a man and men just don't get things like that.

I had Biker post the last reply for me because my computer was down. I called him and had him write this reply. We know each other and he is a ex-biker friend .

He's a good man.

If she was raped years ago, doesn't matter if it was centuries ago, this could very well be a big factor in her not wanting to be sexually intimate. I was sexually molested as a child; hard therapy work helped me work out my own crap and wounding.
Has your wife gone for counselling about her past trauma? Would she be willing?

So sorry to hear about what you are going through. Like many others have said, I too was denied sex from my ex for over a year...our last year together. The year before wasn't getting much either. Didn't know he was cheating and a porn addict.

No matter what the reason(s), it is so detrimental to one's self esteem. I hope you think about counseling to help you decide what to do. Life is very short........

PS - The advice of "getting it on the side" will be hopefully ignored> That would not help in anyway whatsoever.

Agrees with PeaceHarmony

I was 10 when it happened to me...when I was raped...and I did not start to deal with it, I mean REALLY deal with it, until I was 45...years don't matter for something like that...

Everyone is different and your sex drive is so deeply enmeshed in your psyche it's may be hard to find the reason for the person themselves. No point in trying to figure it out for her. You'll ten to one be wrong.
She doesn't consider it a problem? Wow. She must be very sure of you!
As for you. You can't make her want to change her mind. It would be fair of you to take a good look at yourself and find out if you are not making it worse (by pushing her to it, pleading, or skipping the foreplay all together etc.) If you're not doing it, you have clearly communicated what you want from the relationshipand offered support if she needed it and she is not open to any suggestions, it's up to you to decide. Do you see yourself living like this for another 15 years? Will you be tempted to cheat on her?

Thanks Biker for posting for me and thanks for the replies.

She has never had counseling. She will never go to counseling. She thinks Psychiatrists and therapists are perverts who get their jollies off listening to everyone elses problems.

Someone commented or asked about my actions toward her. I am a very affectionate man. I also provide for her a nice home, she controls all the money, she can buy whatever she wants, clothes, Kathy van Zealand purses, flip flops, jewelry, whatever. I don't care, just as long as the bills are paid. I ask her numerous times a day if she loves me, I hug her and give her a kiss, etc. this is just so difficult for me. It seems so one sided. She says she` prefers to sleep alone because of her constant tossing and turning. She sleeps in a queen size bed, I sleep in a twin size. Thanks again for all your help and comments,

You have a very unbalanced relationship with you wife there sidecar. Seems like a lot of give on your part and not so much on hers. If she is still having issues regarding being molested when she was younger thne she needs to find a healthy way of dealing with it because the imbalance in your relationship is NOT healthy.

Coming from someone who's marriage was destroyed by a sexual abuse victim who refused to own her behaviors, my opinion is that she owes it to you to figure out wtf is going on. If she's not ready, for whatever reason, to engage in your relationship in a healthy way, she's not doing either of you a favor. She's only hurting herself, and SHE's the one exacerbating her abuse by not dealing with it.

Have compassion and love for her situation, and support her however much she needs, but hold her accountable for her behaviors. That's the best thing you can do for her. Not in a judgmental way, but let her know your feelings matter too.

Certainly don't pressure her to have sex, but in no uncertain terms let her know that you feel hurt, rejected, and unloved, and a sexless marriage is unacceptable to you.
She very well may need space alone to figure everything out and start the healing process.

"Allies in Healing" is a book that helped me a lot, and may give you some perspective, and guidance.



If this is as good as it gets, right now, with no chance of getting better, would you stay?

Mine's excuse for sleeping separately was that I snored. True, but she didn't sleep any better when I was in the other room.

Justification and rationalization is the drug of choice for abuse victims in denial.