You must understand that this is on her due to some past traumatic event, or perhaps it's resentment of something that might happen in your marriage, or it could be low hormonal levels, or....

In the mean time, it is a situation where the other partner feels rejected, frustrated, useless....don't own that. If she doesn't want to go to counseling, you go for you. If the marriage is important to her, she will join you in her own pace.

Without much history, it is hard to give you a more direct opinion/advice/nagging/encouragment.

I wish you the best and please do go to counseling with her or without her. Rejection/neglect can play a mean game on one's head.

my first impulse is to say

HOLY CRAP!

I could not cope with that. You are a very strong person! I would go insane.

But we have different drives, histories etc... just like Z has already said.

It all depends on how important the sex is to you. I would personally need to know why and would steer her back from the tangent till I got answers, but I'm also in the middle of a divorce, so don't take advice from me about how to keep a marriage together.

If she really isn't interested (and some people are kinda asexual that way) then you are facing some hard choices. Cope with your needs not met, find some sort of middle ground where she maybe does some things 'just to keep you happy', or leave her and find someone that is interested.
Give me history (like Z said) and I may be able to give you better answers.

I couldn't deal with that either...not that much "lack of interest". My ex was not big on sex and swore I wanted it a hundred times more than the average person but now I wonder if that is because he was getting it somewhere else. I didn't see a problem with once a day, he was ok with once a week. But this is extreme and I guess what you do depends on how important it is to you.

Find the root cause and then, make a decision.

My ex didn't touch me for the last two years of our marriage. I will never be in a relationship that lacks intimacy ever again. He admitted that he used sex as a way to punish me....BUT...EACH situation is different.

Not to hijack the thread but once a day is good.

Twice a day on holidays.

Three times on Sunday.

I can't help but be curious when a man posts about lack of sex if they spend time giving non-sexual physical affection.
Not at all meaning to blame, I am just truthfully curious.
I went through a span when my ex punished me by withholding sex, so I do understand.

This is kind of funny, when stbx asked for divorce but wanted to be boy friend for next 10-15 years and then get married.

When I asked so what kind of relationship is envision for us to have these 10-15 years (just wanted to know how is brain works), he said, we will meet in neutral places, we can for dinner, shows or play tenis, but not being intimate. I said how come we have been married for many years and being intimate, how can we suddenly not being intimate for 10-15 years is totally unrealistic, well there are ways to satisfy yourself. How crazy this is??

Every healthy relationship requires intimate relationship, many marries break because of lack of that. I never help that to punish him ever. But I know I don't want a relatioship with my STBX who is dying to be EX HUSBAND, then no intimacy for 10-15 years. Are you kidding. SO he wants divorce than have it somewhere else...

Who are we kidding....

sidecar - my own reaction is that this is not much of a marriage. I don't know what your wife's problem is, but her lack of interest in sex is truly disturbing. Maybe she's hitting an early menopause or has some organic issue. I don't see how you put up with this so long.

Hope you can make a decision on whether to stay or go.

Lynne

I read this and had to cry for a minute or two before I replied.

My Husband was also not interested in sex. As in N-E-V-E-R. I had years to experiment with solutions, but never came acroos one that worked. We had sex four to six times a year, and I always felt like I had to cajole and it never felt like an intimate experience when he finally gave in. It was awkward and weird ~ the last thing you want to feel when you're with your spouse!

The toll that it takes on your self esteem is brutal. Ironically, it wasn't the reason we separated, but it is a big reason that we're staying apart. I want a man that's passionate about me.

I feel your pain.

Internet counseling works as well, PM me for a link.

I was right there with you dude.. Maybe 4 or 5 times a year, but still enough to feel the rejection and lack of intimacy.

Lack of sex sucks, for sure (no pun intended). But the real problem is lack of intimacy. If she was affectionate in other areas, you still slept in the same bed, etc. that would be different. This will destroy your marriage.

Does she make you feel guilty for wanting sex more than once a year? If so, she's projecting her own crap on you, and you don't deserve that. It's okay to sexually want your wife. IT'S OKAY TO WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE. More than once a month lol. There are many women, a bunch on this board, who will tell you they left their spouses for not having enough sex, and were having it much more than you.

It's not okay that she doesn't want sex. If it's medical, or psychological, whatever, it's not okay. If my wife refused to acknowledge she had cancer, or a third arm, or oozing puss squirting from her eyes, that's a problem she needs to address, for my sake as much as hers.

You have a hard choice to make. If you come to the conclusion that for whatever reason she's unable to have sex, and you can accept the constant rejection and emotional distance that would cause, more power to ya. But I'm willing to bet, cuz I been there, you won't. And you shouldn't. You deserve to be happy just like everyone else. And living in an emotionally disconnected marriage is borderline abusive. Even by doing nothing, she's still responsible for her behavior.

As far as what may be causing her problems, it sounds like sexual anorexia. Sexual anorexics use control over sex like those with eating disorders control food. There are hundreds of reasons for the need for control; anxiety, PTSD, OCD, etc. But the numero uno cause is sexual trauma. I hope I'm not projecting my own crap, but I'm willing to bet there's an 80% chance she was sexually abused at some point and has shut it out. Only by making it harder to not deal with it will she be forced to do some inner searching.

Good luck.

For years my H didn't want sex either.. and it drove me mad.. so I had to leave the room and sleep in another room... (He didn't want to cuddle, wanted his space blah blah)... once therapy started the s#$% hit the fan... turned out he was avoiding intimacy b/c he was resentful ... doing porn ... I was lucky if we made love 2 or 3 X a yr.... That was not what caused our present separation but it certainly was a microcosm of a bigger problem.

I was in a similar boat. My ex just didn't want it. And, it had nothing to do with an earlier trauma. She was raised "Hyper" religious. She was a virgin on the wedding night, and everything... She didn't indulge in passionate kissing... miss polly proper.

I was concerned about this as we dated and were engaged. It felt like a red flag... and in hind sight was. Anyway, long and short... once we married, she felt self conscious, etc...

Also, she started to use sex as a manipulation tool. Ie. if you don't do this, or don't do that then no... and even if I dotted every "i" and crossed every "t"... nuttin...

I think our peak years had 10-15 times. Our lowest year had none. And, more than 1/2 of the 15 years had less than 6 times a year.

It was hard for me to accept her frigidness... Even harder when at the fertility specialist she told him we were having sex 3 times+ a week... (I wondered w/who... where am I for that...)

Anyway... the last year of our marriage... was minimal, but more than usual... (almost once a month...)

From what I understand during her affair, she did start to have sex on a regular basis (like almost nightly)...

anyway...

sorry dude... this sucks...

I've come to the conclusion that sex is important to me, not only for the act, but the love and intimacy that it entails.
My next Mrs. Dave17 is going to need to be a bit of a freak!

and she needs to have huge tracks of land.
(geeky Monty Python reference)

But on topic. If she is honestly not will to go to counseling and even just discuss this with you, it's a red flag. An issue that affects you, and your happiness she should (in a healthy marriage) be willing to talk about at the very least.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
Do you think she has 'checked out' of the marriage? This can be a big sign of that.
Does she know how important this is to you? Have you made it clear enough to her? I know that sometimes the big issues get lost in the 'noise' of marriage communication.
I feel for you, I really do... and I hope you can find a solution.

What Z said in the first paragraph of reply #1. Could be a past traumatic event she never sought counseling for or isn't over, could be resentment towards you (if she says she loves you and acts that way, this is likely not it), or could be low hormone levels, which she could see a dr. for..

I am also wondering if she is on anti-depressants or the Pill, both of which can kill libido. Why are you sleeping in separate bedrooms, though?

Also, is it possible she is having an affair? I hate to even suggest that, but that is sometimes the reason people lose interest in sex with their spouse.

In any event, 4-5 times in 15 years is very much beyond the low end of normal. Sorry she doesn't want to seek counseling.