Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Only a few days ago I was happy. I thought *we* were happy. We were planning and saving money for our 10th anniversary next year, even inviting other people to join us on the trip (to Walt Disney World which was where we'd gone on our honeymoon). I had no clue that all of that was just not true...the only unusual thing was that he'd started exercising the few weeks right before but he'd always been into and out of things that caught his interest. I was happy, he was not. We got home from work and he asked me to sit down, then told me he wanted a divorce. I wish he'd literally stabbed me in heart so I could have died on the spot, it would have been kinder and hurt a lot less.
I spent the next two hours screaming and crying incoherently, trying to make sense of...anything. My entire world had just been shattered into bloody pieces and he seemed so....cool and distant, barely even looking at me, emotionless. He wouldn't say why, only that he wasn't in love with me anymore, that he'd been feeling that way for years. Best emmy for acting, and you fooled everyone. When pressed over and over he finally said there was someone else he had fallen for but that they hadn't done anything, not even kissed. We both work with her, and she apparently went home that same night to tell her boyfriend she wanted to break up.
When I said I wished we'd been in a car accident on the way home so I would never have had to hear that and just died in happy ignorance he called a friend of mine over. Once she got there he packed and just left without a word. He'd already arranged to stay with a mutual friend.
I only found out later that I was in fact the *6th* person to be told that he wanted a divorce which just further devastated me. I've spent a lot of time since then trying to understand, a lot of time crying. I've had friends freaking out and trying to convince me not to do anything drastic but just to hang on, keep breathing, keep talking to them.
And I'm trying, I really am. I don't want to...overburden my friends with my grief. I don't want to obsess over it too much with them, I don't want to see the pity in their eyes and have them start to turn away because I can't stop talking about it.
Because I do still *need* to talk about it. It's the most awful thing that's ever happened to me. And that includes my mom killing herself a few years ago, not that that wasn't devastating because it was and I'm still working through that. Mom had always been depressed though for years so while it was still horrid to go through it wasn't entirely a surprise either.
I just feel...like I can't breathe. Nothing makes sense any more. I don't know how to...trust anything, anyone. Not even myself. Maybe especially myself.
I spent the next two hours screaming and crying incoherently, trying to make sense of...anything. My entire world had just been shattered into bloody pieces and he seemed so....cool and distant, barely even looking at me, emotionless. He wouldn't say why, only that he wasn't in love with me anymore, that he'd been feeling that way for years. Best emmy for acting, and you fooled everyone. When pressed over and over he finally said there was someone else he had fallen for but that they hadn't done anything, not even kissed. We both work with her, and she apparently went home that same night to tell her boyfriend she wanted to break up.
When I said I wished we'd been in a car accident on the way home so I would never have had to hear that and just died in happy ignorance he called a friend of mine over. Once she got there he packed and just left without a word. He'd already arranged to stay with a mutual friend.
I only found out later that I was in fact the *6th* person to be told that he wanted a divorce which just further devastated me. I've spent a lot of time since then trying to understand, a lot of time crying. I've had friends freaking out and trying to convince me not to do anything drastic but just to hang on, keep breathing, keep talking to them.
And I'm trying, I really am. I don't want to...overburden my friends with my grief. I don't want to obsess over it too much with them, I don't want to see the pity in their eyes and have them start to turn away because I can't stop talking about it.
Because I do still *need* to talk about it. It's the most awful thing that's ever happened to me. And that includes my mom killing herself a few years ago, not that that wasn't devastating because it was and I'm still working through that. Mom had always been depressed though for years so while it was still horrid to go through it wasn't entirely a surprise either.
I just feel...like I can't breathe. Nothing makes sense any more. I don't know how to...trust anything, anyone. Not even myself. Maybe especially myself.
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Stop-Anxiety-and-Obsessive-Thoughts-Deepak-Chopra/2
I've also drove my friends and my mother nuts blaming myself and talking about it - but they understand. Thats what they are there for - and when you feel better, they will be there for you as always.
If you feel you can't handle it anymore, go to the emergency ward, they can help you with medication and therapy. You can also call and find out what hospitals in your area offer Intensive Outpatient Treatments. Even if you don't want to hurt yourself, and feel like you are just suffering beyond belief emotionally that you feel like you're going to explode, do it.
And with that i'm sending you an enormous hug, because you need it and I can empathize how much this much hurt you.
Get into see a therapist, it helps to have someone put things in perspective. I also recommend this book to everyone, it is called Runaway Husband, I highly recommend it is shares a lot of stories very similar to ours. Keeping a journal can sometimes help get your thoughts out and on paper, I look back at those early journals and remember the pain, but can also see the growth, it is great!
Hang in there, remember that even if it doesn't feel like it, it does get better. It takes time and you must go through it to get over it, but you will get through it stronger and better than before.
If you two have been saving for a 10 year anniversary at Disney World and to take others with you, there may be a considerable amount saved up. You want to alert the divorce attorney to that. If there are joint accounts, you want the attorney to know and get the instructions on you getting your share of the money out of there. Your husband doesn't direct you from now on.
The woman at work should probably work elsewhere because the three of you shouldn't be working together and it's a bad combination. STAY AWAY FROM HER AND HIM. The two of them should at least have that much sense. Make sure you tell your attorney that the other woman also works with you two. By the way, it shows your husband apparently gets involved with women he works with (you and now this new one). He may have a history of this that didn't pan out with other women and you're not aware of it. Keep your ears open for gossip regarding him as sometimes there may be some basis to it. And there may be gossip around already involving this new woman and him. Co-workers usually pick up this stuff faster than the wife.
Then get in touch with a therapist. And no more talking about you dying. Your husband will use it against you to make you sound unstable, and you don't want to run around telling others or friends that either because they'll worry you are unstable and you could suddenly end up committed for a 72 hour evaluation in a psych ward and regret you were talking to friends or your husband about dying and didn't really mean it. Yes, you can end up there. So stop talking that way.
Your Mom isn't here now and she passed on and won't help you in this. You can't think about her now. You must focus on putting your feet into motion to get a divorce lawyer and do what he tells you to, and then get a therapist and get into therapy.
Take care and many hugs.
It was...hard, almost like talking to a stranger and as if I was a stranger myself. But then, I guess that's true. He turned out to be not who I had thought he was, and I feel like I barely know who I am anymore.
There was no yelling, no shouting, no anger on either side. Just...quietness. Choked regret. Whispers of pain and loss, woven among the starker words of how to begin to divide what little we have. Stillborn attempts at jokes, as we each wanted to say or do something to make it...not okay, because I can't be that, not now, maybe not ever...but at least not so horribly awkward and painful.
He told me I was an amazing person and that while he loved me, he wasn't in love with me. And that he didn't feel like he could do anything else other than ask for a divorce. He admitted that he handled things badly by not talking about what he was feeling back when it might have been early enough that we might have had a chance to work on things, to just maybe save the relationship. He sounded sincere but....I also thought he loved me when apparently he didn't anymore, so...what do I know about judging him or anyone accurately?
There are no children at least, for which I'm very grateful. I can't begin to imagine how much more that would complicate and magnify everything. My heart goes out to everyone that has had to bear that extra burden, and to all of the poor children caught in the middle.
Am I in a good place? No, I don't think so. I don't feel quite so...overwhelmed and paralyzed which I guess probably counts as progress. I'm at least not in such a very dark place, that much I can at least feel about myself. I smiled a few times at work, nothing that went any deeper than lip-deep but still...the smile was at least there, if only very briefly and dimly.
As we stood before he left, he asked hesitantly if I needed a hug and I was already replying yes before he could finish the words. We hugged a long time, both of us crying, before we broke apart and he left again. I'm alone with just me now and too many sad thoughts and I wishes.
I was lucky enough to line up a room mate finally for next month, so I'm trying to get started with cleaning and separating possessions which is hard....too many things that have memories attached to them.
Do you keep things for now or toss them right away? I can see both sides, I guess, wanting to hold on to the good memories or not wanting to be burdened down by the past. I don't know. Maybe it falls under the idea of not making huge changes while you're still too emotional about things.
I'm just catching up with this thread and I must say, when I read your reply ( #9 ), I couldn't help but think how beautifully and poignantly you expressed your feelings. I could feel your sadness and I hurt for you. Big hugs.
Regarding your earlier post.....
"He admitted that he handled things badly by not talking about what he was feeling back when it might have been early enough that we might have had a chance to work on things, to just maybe save the relationship. He sounded sincere but....I also thought he loved me when apparently he didn't anymore, so...what do I know about judging him or anyone accurately? "
Yes, I guess he doesn't know how to love. A love relationship requires communication. Seriously, the LEAST a spouse could do is tell you when they feel so bad about something....that they are actually contemplating leaving.
I suspect however, that he is simply re-writing the marital history to justify his actions. It's much easier for him to accept that it was a NON-communicated YOUR FAULT, rather than his doing.
How long before the sadness leaves my eyes? How long before there's not that echo of...pain in my words, even if I manage to keep the sound of it from others sometimes, I still hear it. I do think I'm getting better at...I don't know, not hiding it exactly but at least not letting it bleed out all the time. I don't want to let it control me completely. I don't want to live like that.
I think that part of what makes it hard to understand his refusal to talk about what was bothering him is because it had always felt like we *did* talk. If we were annoyed or frustrated about something, we waited until we weren't in the middle of the situation and then brought it up, talked it out. Or if we were short tempered about something we were always so good about assuring the other that we weren't annoyed with them, but with this other thing going on. It felt like we communicated all the time. So it was just so...unbelievable to suddenly have this thing huge enough for him to want a divorce come out of what felt like nowhere. Ugh.Such a disillusioning, rude awakening....